Based on Actual Television Shows
Greetings Cinescapers! Last week's list of the "worst" television shows as voted by Cinescape readers produced the usual amount of grumbling and discontent such dubious lists are wont to create. No surprise there, so let's move on.
This week I was delighted to learn that come September 7th COLUMBO: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON will be released by MCA on DVD. The only thing I find more exciting then the prospect of owning several episodes of COLUMBO is owning several episodes of MAGNUM, P.I.. Extrordinarily, that is another dream that will come true too as MAGNUM, P.I.: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON is being released on the same day.
Before we get to this weeks re-runs and old movies I have a question: are Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal the same person?
Let me know at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.
MONDAY, JUNE 7
AMERICAN PIE 2 (8 pm, FOX) Why
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) Spongebob loses his confidence in his ability to absorb liquids and starts to think of himself as Spongerock Squarepants. Many tears follow. (Repeat)
5 DAYS TO MIDNIGHT (9 pm, SCIFI) A man (Timothy Hutton) receives a briefcase from the future saying he will be killed in five days, so he decides the best course of action is to watch all the shows stored on his Tivo. (Mini-series premiere.)
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) When a body disappears on the way to the medical examiner, all eyes turn to the necrophiliac. (Repeat)
TUESDAY, JUNE 8
CASPER MEETS WENDY (8 pm, DISN) Clash of the titans.
SUMMERLAND (8 pm, WB) Lori Loughlin is reunited with her SECRET ADMIRER co-star and former husband C. Thomas Howell. (Hey wasn't he voted one of the most "promising new actors of 1986" in JOHN WILLIS'S SCREEN WORLD? Man, what a crazy year that must have been.)
5 DAYS TO MIDNIGHT (9 pm, SCIFI) In part two of four, the man with only five days to solve his own murder decides that if he can hold his breath for ninety seconds then he will solve his own murder; if not then it's OK to eat the salmon that's been sitting out since the night before.
THE SHIELD (10 pm, FX) When Claudette's conscience gets in the way of her career she decides amorality is the wise choice.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 9
PSYCHO/VERTIGO/NORTH BY NORTHWEST (8 pm, TCM) Triple bill of Hitchcock classics.
BLAZING SADDLES (8 pm, FAM) Mel Brook's outrageous R-rated 70s flick finally makes is way to the family channel.
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) 1) Archer
5 DAYS TO MURDER (9 pm, SCIFI) Part 3 of 4. After writing goodbye letters to all his friends, the guy with five days to prevent his own murder is distracted by a LAW & ORDER marathon on USA, figuring "how long could it last?" Death starts to move in for the kill.
THURSDAY, JUNE 10
JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) When Adam asks a fellow classmate to a concert, Joan asks God to turn him into a pillar of salt. (Repeat)
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) When a model goes missing for several days, she is promptly replaced by an emaciated adolescent boy. (Repeat)
5 DAYS TO MIDNIGHT (9 pm, SCIFI) Part 4 of 4. The guy with five days to solve his own murder is A) Murdered but for the good of the greater whole; B) Lives; C) Murdered but in an insidiously ironic way; D) Timothy Hutton.
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) When an attorney (Jerry O'Connell) goes missing, Malone suspects that O'Connell may be a paranoid schizophrenic, but everybody else knows he's the fat kid from STAND BY ME. (Repeat)
FRIDAY, JUNE 11
JAWS (8 pm, BRAVO) A great white terrorizes an island community, causing an uproar and an increase in sales of rubber shark toys.
THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN (8 pm, AMC) Some lady refuses to reveal that she is an epileptic and as a result almost causes the death of the human race.
SHE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON/THREE GODFATHERS/STAGECOACH (8 pm, TCM) Three John Ford/John Wayne collaborations that are worth a watch or six.
STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) 1) An
SATURDAY, JUNE 12
THE GREAT ESCAPE (8 pm, HISTORY) Fanciful take on a true story about allied soldiers attempting to escape from a Nazi prison; great fun for action film fans.
THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE (8 pm, AMC) Tough guy John Wayne kills a local thug, but allows the credit to fall on Jimmy Stewart's shoulders.
SPELLBOUND (8 pm, TCM) An Amnesiac poses as a famous psychiatrist. B-grade Hitchcock film features a spectacular Dali designed dream sequence.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30, NBC) Lindsay Lohan hosts and Usher provides the tunes. (Repeat)
SUNDAY, JUNE 13
CHARMED (8 pm, WB) Some future chick takes Chris' powers. (Repeat)
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Homer and Marge have a secret rendezvous. (Repeat)
THE BLUES BROTHERS (8 pm, AMC) Two petty criminals are sent by God to save an orphanage.
I MARRIED A WITCH (10:30 pm, TCM) A witch enchants a candidate for governor. Featuring Veronica Lake and directed by Rene Clair.
And so the curtain falls on the play of Wasteland.
Until next week I bit you good luck and lots of riches.
Got nothing to say, then send nothing to Tvwasteland@cinescape.com.
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column. Absolutely no harm was done to Timothy Hutton during the making of this column.