Keith Richards certainly blows. (Mania.com)

By:Jarrod Sarafin
Date: Saturday, April 07, 2007

Sorry, Maniacs. The title above is as accurate a description for this week’s craziness as I could find. After reading this column or the news at all this week, you’ll certainly agree with it. Keith Richards certainly does blow…as a son.  

I realize that in any given week, there’s great material out there but this week has been a whopper for any person interested in celebrity whack-world behavior... After all, celebrities have a patent on the “Look at the idiotic things I’m doing or saying now!” crowd. Politicians come in a close second. This week had some stuff which had me chuckling more then the average norm. 

Scott Stapp and Kid Rock Sex Tape? Martin Sheen trespassing? CBS admitting to having network writers with no imagination? Thoughts about drinking Barry Manilow? Keith Richards being, well, Keith Richards? Mettalica being forbidden in Sweden?  

Ah, yes, this week had its fair share of chucklicious moments.

 
 
 

Martin Sheen served citations for trespassing… 

This struck me as odd. Sheen who played President Bartlett (West Wing) for the last few years was issued a citation for trespassing on government property over the weekend. Authorities cited a group of 39 activists, including former West Wing commander in chief Martin Sheen on Sunday for trespassing onto the Nevada Test Site as part of rally for U.S. nuclear disarmament. 

The demonstrators were taken into custody after they breached the "Do Not Cross" line painted on the road at the entrance to the facility, located about 70 miles northwest of Las Vegas along U.S. 95 in the town of Mercury. They were held in a chainlink pen and released following the conclusion of the protest. 

The activists had congregated there after federal officials announced plans to detonate 700 tons of conventional explosives on June 23 to study the impact of bunker-busting bombs. Sheen & Co. said they were not concerned not only about the environmental impact of  the underground blasts—which, they claim could potentially release into the air radioactive material in the ground from previous nuclear testing—but also that such studies could lead to the deployment of tactical nuclear weapons. 

Sheen also led a march in Hollywood a few weeks back to mark the 4 year anniversary of the Iraqi War. 

I wonder what President Bartlett would do in this situation?  
 

Have a taste of my Barry Manilow Wine, Dear? 

Come on! If that isn’t the greatest way to get hop in the sack with a potential hot date, what is?!? 

A new line of Manilow-branded wines are up for sale on his personal store website, manilow.com. His brands come available in five tasting flavors which will sooth your soul quicker then…..a Manilow song? Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon and Zinfandel--Manilow wine retails for between $20 to $25 dollars a bottle. 

The Manilow store also sells several flavors of herbal tea, including Strawberry Kiwi and Mango Rose Green teas.

Other products inspired by the muzak master include an array of apparel, bobblehead dolls, license plate frames and even a pillowcase featuring an image of a pajama-clad Manilow.

He writes the songs, he sells the merchandise. 

Manilow's most recent album, Greatest Hits of the Sixties, debuted at second place when it was released in October His preceding album, Greatest Hits of the Fifties, earlier last year hit number 1. 

I’m still eagerly awaiting Manilow’s Greatest Hits of the Eighteen Fifty Four.  

What?  

It was a good year! 
 

Scott Stapp(Creed) and Kid Rock’s Sex Tape Suit ending 

Okay, let’s back that train up a bit. 

“Scott Stapp and Kid Rock’s Sex tape suit? Say what? 

On Friday the former Creed lead man settled his invasion-of-privacy lawsuit against adult film company World Wide Red Light District, which he had accused of unlawfully selling downloads of a taped romp involving Stapp, Kid Rock and four groupies.   

While Stapp's attorney, William Sayegh, refused to disclose just how much money his client will receive, only saying that the litigation was resolved "in Scott Stapp's favor." 

Meanwhile, as part of the agreement, Red Light has agreed to halt any further distribution of the X-rated footage.   

The porn flick purveyors admitted that they did not own the rights to the tape, Sayegh said. The deal means "a private matter remains private," he added.    

Yeah. No Shit. How about we keep all sex tapes regarding Scott Stapp private as a general rule of thumb? 
 

James Brown may have “Felt Good” a little too much for some. 

The U.S. Supreme Court declined Monday to review the sexual-harassment lawsuit filed by a former publicist of James Brown who claims the late entertainer raped her at gunpoint in 1988 while she was working for him. 

Jacque Hollander petitioned the high court in November to take up her cause after a federal appeals court upheld a judge's decision to dismiss the suit in 2005. The initial dismissal verdict said she had waited too long to sue. The statute of limitations on a case such as Hollander's is two years, meaning she would have had to file back in 1990. Hollander filed instead in 2005. 

Hollander was seeking $106 million in damages from Brown, who died Dec. 25 at age 73. This closed the book on a history of violent run-ins with several of the women in his life and opened up a whole other can of legal wrangling for the survivors of his estate. 

At the same time, his later year romantic partner, Tomi Rae Hynie, sued in February for 50 percent of Brown's estate after she and her five-year-old son, James Brown Jr., were left out of the singer's will.  

On the other side of the coin, Brown's six grown children who were mentioned in the will tried to get Brown's longtime attorney and two other trustees removed as executors of their father's estate, claiming there was a conflict of interest that was preventing the men from impartially carrying out their duties. 

Ahh. I wonder if they “Feel Good”.  
 

Country Singer has arrest warrant issued for shooting. 

I’m not much of a Country Music enthusiast so this doesn’t connect with me but it may with you! Give me Creedence, Rolling Stones (we shall discuss them in a bit) and the Doors instead. Still, I’ve been to the town in central Texas and I’ve drank in the bar mentioned in this little story so I’ll put it up. 

Authorities in central Texas have issued an arrest warrant for the country singer Billy Joe Shaver for allegedly shooting a man who approached him in a bar parking lot. Shaver, who shot( get it? Haha I know!) to fame in the '70s with the hits "Georgia on a Fast Train" and "Old Chunk of Coal," was drinking at Papa Joe's Texas Saloon in Lorena, a town 80 miles north of Austin, when the incident occurred at approximately 8:30 p.m. on Saturday night. 

The unidentified victim was wounded in the cheek and treated at a nearby hospital. He is said to be responsive and talking to doctors. 

No word on what precipitated the gunplay. Police are continuing to investigate the matter.

Reps for the 67-year-old singer-songwriter's label, Music World Entertainment, issued a statement supporting Shaver—and plugging his new CD. 

Plugging his new CD? 

He turning to Rap? I can see it now.  

What’s that old song? “I fought the law…and the law won.” 
 

Keith Richards (Rolling Stones & General Freak) snorts his daddy? 

You’d probably have to be living under a rock not to hear this one already this week. The mainstream media has picked up on it because just about everyone has to agree it’s one of the strangest news bytes in a very long time. With all the strange shit that goes on in this world we call Earth, this one takes the cake, the icing and the mind inducing brownies. 

The Rolling Stones rocker has gone on public record saying he took a snort of good ole daddy after he was cremated in 2002.  

Yes, that’s really nice of him.  

The 63-year-old guitarist/freak of nature confessed to the British music magazine NME after being asked about some of the odd material that has made their way up his nose over the years. 

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," Richards said. "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow." 
 

The magazine then asked him what his father may think about being snorted by his 63 year old son.  

"My dad wouldn't have cared, he didn't give a s--t," the younger Richards said. 

Still, the age old question appears when coming across a story like this. What question, you ask? Well, was it good?  

“It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive," Keith Richards said. 

Jeez, are you sure? No seriously, it’s an honest question. 

To expand on this, he then goes in detail what was his worse drug binge and guess what, it’s not snorting dear old dad. 

“It was when someone put strychnine in my dope," he said. "It was in Switzerland. I was totally comatose, but I was totally awake. I could listen to everyone, and they were like, 'He's dead, he's dead!', waving their fingers and pushing me about, and I was thinking, 'I'm totally not dead!' " 

Jeez Multiplied By Two, are you sure? 

Richards also had this to say about the British music scene. 

“Everyone's a load of crap." 

Hah! 

Richards will be playing a dad himself as Jack Sparrow’s old man in the upcoming 3rd installment of Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End. It’s set to be in theaters everywhere on May 23. 

It should be noted that some people are trying to pass this “I snorted my father” stuff off as a April Fool’s Joke after it gained national news. 

Rightttttt.  

I have to say after reading this craziness, I’m reaffirmed the dude is perfect for being Jack Sparrow’s daddy dearest.  

No word yet if Jack’s going to snort him up by the end. 
 

CSI gets their inspiration from Britney Spears? 

A character inspired by the recently struggling misfit known as Spears will appear in an upcoming episode of CSI: Miami about an actor who's killed during a stay in rehab. It won't be the Spears character getting the postmortem workup, but while at the facility to investigate the victim's death, the forensics team comes across a starlet who has shaved her head.    

Law & Order did the same exact thing last September when a starlet named Sky Sweet. The character whose mothering skills come into question when she's spotted driving with the child on her lap and pictures surface showing her snorting coke while pregnant.    

Adding to the Spears like inspiration scenario is the actress' marriage to a wannabe rapper, who is eventually arrested for gunning down a cop during a botched robbery.   

It should be added that a wannabe rapper known as the real life Kevin Federline also appeared in a earlier CSI episode playing a foul mouthed gang banger brought into questioning for a string of beatings.

In other words, the guy wasn’t really stretching his “acting” experience with that part.  

Don’t you just love it when network writers freely admit to being inspired by someone like Spears?  
 

Mettalica is not a “proper name” says Sweden! 

Oh yes, dear reader, you heard me correctly. 

The Swedish tax board has rejected a couple's attempt to register their infant daughter's name, saying the child's appellation, Metallica, is too closely related to the word "metal."   

"Not all of the associations generated by the name are flattering," the Swedish National Tax Board wrote in its ruling, opposing the findings of the Göteborg County Administrative Court, which approved the name on Mar. 13.   

"It feels really mean," Metallica's mother, Karolina Tomaro, told the Swedish newspaper. "I don't understand their reasoning at all. She's six months old and is already able to say her name. We can't just change it now."   

Nor can they travel to neighboring Germany to meet up with the baby’s grandparents since by Swedish rule of thumbs (or index fingers), the child must have a name before being permitted to cross the border. 

"We had to cancel trips at Christmas and Easter," Karolina Tomaro said. "Now we have booked a trip for the summer. Maybe we'll have to cancel that too."   

The case will now be ruled upon by their Administrative Court of Appeals. It should also be noted that Goteborg County already has approved a previous Swedish resident with the name of Mettalica.  

Hey, there’s a few Luke Skywalkers out there. Why can’t there be a Mettalica Tomaro!?  

The Swedish National Tax Board are totally “Unforgiven”.  

I know, that was a stretch, Jarrod. 
 

Girls Gone Wild Hornball is wanted by the Law. 

This guy has been on the hit list of the law for a long time now so it’s not exactly a shocking story to go with here. 

Girls Gone Wild mastermind Joe Francis remained in the wild Thursday, refusing a federal judge's order to surrender to U.S. marshals. 

Francis failed to turn himself in by the noon deadline set by Florida-based U.S. District Judge Richard Smoak, according to a court clerk. The justice had ordered Francis incarcerated for contempt of court, following an obscenity-laced tirade during settlement talks in a federal lawsuit. 

Francis' camp says he has no intention of turning himself in. Ronn Torossian, a spokesman for his client’s Mantra Films, called Smoak's order an example of "judges gone wild." 

Francis was sued in 2003 by seven underage girls who claim they were wrongfully exploited in Girls Gone Wild videos, a claim Torossian compared to "extortion."

Per the Panama City News Herald, the 34-year-old soft-porn provider earned the judge's wrath by unleashing a string of expletives and threats at the plaintiffs' lawyers as both sides were about to enter into two days of mediation on Mar. 21. In Smoak's view, Francis' tirade flouted the court's mandate to negotiate in good faith. 

Francis pleaded guilty in December to federal criminal charges of failing to monitor the ages of the women in his videos following a 2003 shoot that included two 17-year-olds baring their breasts. He was sentenced to community service and ordered to personally pay $1.6 million in fines and publicly acknowledge wrongdoing. Mantra was fined an additional $2.1 million. He and his business empire copped a guilty plea to similar offenses in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles in January. 

Francis still faces state felony counts in Pensacola, Florida, for allegedly using underage performers in his DVDs, charges that could land him up to 40 years in prison if convicted. 

The dude has a lot of people gunning for him if you count up every parent who had their drunken daughter flashing the TV camera in a Girls Gone Wild video at one time or another. 
 
 

That’s going to do it for this weekend’s edition of Superficial Slobber. Stay tuned next week when perhaps Keith Richards finds something else to snort up that nostril of his!