How to get your neko-jin purring like a kitten (Mania.com)

By:His Lordship Chaos
Date: -

[Cue the Super-deformed versions of Dark Schnieder & His lordship Chaos suddenly popping up and taking over the column!]



SD Chaos-chan: ^-^ "Ohayo! And welcome to yet another installment of 'Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard,' the obligatory information bit that has everyone saying--"



SD Dark Schnieder-chan: "Where's my Arshes Nei fanservice scene?!"



SD Chaos-chan: --;; "Um...we seem to be experiencing technical difficulties with our uber exploder wizard. Please stand by."



SD Dark Schnieder-chan: "I'm only standing here so I can get that obligatory bath house and nekkid flash segment."



SD Chaos-chan: [sweatdrop!] "What makes you think that'll happen?"



SD Dark Schnieder-chan: "Pioneer is producing this particular rant for our author."



SD Chaos-chan: ^-^ "Hotcha! Think they can throw Misato into the bath house scene too?"



SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [shrug] "I don't see why not."



Both: ^-^ "Cue the onsen scene!"



[Cue the contractual obligatory Pioneer hotsprings segment, featuring none other than Dominion's Ana & Una Puma, Escaflowne's Merle & twins Naria and Eriya, the cute & cat-brained android NukuNuku, Battle Athlete's Tanya and Ranma Saotome...who's currently stuck in Catfist mode!!]



SD Chaos-chan: o.O "That's our bevy of Anime beauties for the obligatory bath house scene?"



SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [sweatdrop!] "I...I don't know. I was expecting something more Gainax bouncy, and less...."



SD Chaos-chan: "Furry?"



SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [nodding] "Furry, yes. Of course, I hold you responsible for my lack of Arshes Nei amidst all these Anime catgirls, Chaos."



SD Chaos-chan: "Hai hai. You hold me responsible for--(o.O) WHAT?!"



SD Dark Schnieder-chan: "GUNS N' RO!!!"



SD Chaos-chan: [frantic li'l otaku] "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"



And with Pioneer's obligatory onsen scene out of the way, let us get down to some seriously witty yet absolutely mindless ranting. Indeed, before you can say "Stop the rant, I want to get off!" we're here to talk about one of Anime's token phenomena: Neko-jins.



Translation: catgirls.



A friend of mine, who goes by the pseudonym of Nightbreak, recently made a remark to me about the allure of the neko-jin. "Catgirls make many otaku drool," he wrote. I naturally saw a rant in this that could be unleashed upon the unsuspecting public, so when Nightbreak wasn't looking, I whacked him on the back of the head with a Wifflebat, stuffed him into a generic-brand potato sack and airmailed him to the nearest parallel dimension...being Cephiro.



Mokona: ^-^ "PUU!!!"



Nightbreak: --;; "You shall pay for this, Chaos. Yes, you will."



Anyhoo, the presence of Anime catgirls is something that cannot be ignored. Call them the "pet" characters of Anime, if you dare allow me to get away with such an atrocious pun. They may not show up in every series, yet when a neko-jin is around, their presence is made more than well-known. Yes indeed, catgirl got your tongue.



In Escaflowne, you get the annoying Merle...a catgirl who has yet to grow up into looking like the nubile and very sexy cat twins Neria and Eriya. In all honesty, I wouldn't have a problem if Merle choked while hacking up a hairball. Give me the twins any day. ^^



Just make sure they're declawed first.



Speaking of twins, we certainly cannot miss the most notorious catgirls ever: the Puma twins of Dominion Tank Police fame. Ana and Una Puma, those lovely beauties, not only spend most of their time wearing just that long if not silky mane of hair, but also enjoy kicking back with their very large and unlimited ammo-stocked weapons.



Now I've done some research and have noted that there is only one type of person who actually dislikes the Puma sisters. And they are--!



Tora: [sucking in a shoelace] "BUUUUURRRRPPP!!"



SD Chaos-chan: o.O "Um...correction. Now it appears that no one dislikes the Puma sisters."



Ushio: "Aw, man! Tora, what have I told you about eating the opposition?"



Tora: "Hmph! I'm a carnivorous tiger demon. I'm not gonna sit by while someone disses my Neko-babes. Besides...he could have used a little more mustard."



Ushio: [pulling out his demon spear] "Okay, that's it! Bad demonic kitty-cat! Back to your netherworld litter box! You can resume your ranting anytime, Chaos. Chaos?"



[Ushio looks around, only to discover that SD Chaos-chan has mysteriously vanished from the rant. He slowly turns to Tora, who now has a most innocent smile and bulging chipmunk cheeks.]



Tora: [mph!] "What fanboy?"



Moving right along with our list, in both the Battle Athletes OVAs and TV series we see the nimble and fanged Tanya spending most her time either bouncing off the walls and ceiling, or looking for meals. All this is done in her wonderfully torn-apart uniform. Not that I'm objecting to this idea of her attire.



It is interesting to note how catgirls tend to wear either next to nothing (this usually constituting as whatever shreds of an actual uniform they were supposed to wear), or nothing at all. The verdict is still out on just how much their fur is considered as actual clothing--although in neko fashion trends, stripes are definitely in.



We can also see neko-jins invading the mecha world too. NukuNuku, the android with a kitty brain, spends a lot of her time chasing mice around her papa's lab, or else proving that catgirls always land on their feet. I'm guessing that the best birthday present for her would be a very big ball of coat hanger wire.



Even the realm of all that is hentai has its own catgirl for a mascot: Pink. Of course...she became a catgirl after putting on a pair of cursed panties. But we're not going to go there right now! After all, this rant is rated G (onsen scene not counting).



Neko-hybrids are not uncommon either. There are two examples of this seen in Ranma 1/2. You've got Shampoo, who's subject to the Jusenkyo curse of turning into a cat when doused in cold water. And then there's Ranma himself...herself...whatever, who has such a deathly fear of cats that the only way poor Ranma can cope is by having his/her mind snap, leaving Ranma to believe that he/she is a cat.



Already in the few examples of neko-jin that I have given (and I'm sure I've left out a few other prolific catgirls), we can see a number of reasons why otaku love them so much. I mean, who doesn't like a stunningly attractive Anime babe with long ears, cute fangs, a twitching tail, and a flexible & nimble, scantily-clad body?



Granted I'm not too fond of the hairball hacking, but I think we can work around that. After all, there's no real need for catgirls to have nine lives. Most of them are indestructible. In fact, most guys would volunteer to be used as a scratching post just to be near a neko-jin.



Yet how does the average otaku manage to trap a catgirl? Well, there are a variety of options. First, you can try catnip. Barring that, remote-controlled mice could help. And when all else fails, just let loose with the automatic can opener and a tin of tuna fish.



Just a warning though: catgirls tend to exhibit the traits of real felines. The tongue-bath thing is something I remain a little wary of.



They also have habits of scratching apart you or your furniture...or both. And naturally, when the catgirl shows up at your place, she will never listen to you. If anything, you'll become the pet and have to pamper her every whim and desire. Although in the case of the Puma sisters, that's not necessarily a bad thing.



So when all is "Niyao!"ed and done, here's just one small problem with owning catgirls:



Inu Yasha: [chasing after NukuNuku] "Yip yip yip!!"



NukuNuku: "Waaah! NukuNuku doesn't like all this running on an empty stomach!"



--;; Sigh! Dog demons.



This is His lordship Chaos, reminding you that you can never have too many catgirls, so don't bother having your neko-jins spayed or neutered. And there you have it: the many illustrious ways to skin a catgirl, as brought to you by myself, Dark Schnieder, and Pikachu.



Pikachu: ^-^ "Pika...Pikachu!"



o.O What the? Okay, who let this Pokemon into my rant?! SECURITY!!



[Cue an SD Dark Schnieder-chan on a zambonie machine!]



SD Dark Schnieder-chan: ^^ "I love my job."



Pikachu: [looking up] "Pika?



*SQUISH!!!*



[End!]