The Super-Deformed Rant!! (Mania.com)
By:His Lordship Chaos
[Cue an SD Chaos-chan marching across the webpage!]
SD Chaos-chan: ^-^ "Ohayo!! Welcome to Anime on DVD's special super-deformed ranting feature!"
SD Dark Schneider-chan: [walking into the rant] "Yo! I could use a mocchachino here! And a croissant too!"
SD Chaos-chan: [sweatdrop!] "What are you doing here?"
SD Dark Schneider-chan: "You mean this isn't another installment of 'Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard?'"
SD Chaos-chan: "No."
SD Dark Schneider-chan: [grrrr!] "GUNS N' RO!!!!"
SD Chaos-chan: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
And with that, let the ranting begin!
Yes, his lordship Chaos returns from his latest mental vacation only to prove that while the cat's away, the dog still chases cars. Or something poetically inspiring like that.
Anyhoo, today we're here to talk about what it means to be Super-Deformed. No...that's not describing my psychological condition right now. I'm super-deranged. And I'll thank all of you to stay out of my psychosis. I pay my shrink a good $70 an hour so I can cause his eyebrows to twitch right off his head.
So let us today cross-examine what it means to be a Super-Deformed (SD) character in Anime. In short...you are short. When one manages to reach into their inner lunatic and converse with them over a cup of steaming tea, then one can revert into SD mode.
The most observable result is the fact that you shrink like a wool sweater in hot laundry. And yet your head tends to stay around the same size. So before when you were this ominous, towering character, you've now been reduced to the height of a dwarf who is lucky to come up to someone's kneecap. But don't worry! You can still be dangerous as you nip at everyone's heels like that overly annoying obligatory mascot the (magical) girl next door owns.
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ [with razor!] "Wohohohohohooo!!!"
Pretty Sammy: [chasing after the gerbil] "How dare you shave my cabbit bald, you hardsuit-clad rodent! In the name of love and justice, I shall punish you!"
Tamagoyaki: [piiiiidaa!] "You gotta catch me first!"
Chaos: [sigh!] "I give up!"
Moving right along, lest we go nowhere fast (which is possible since by it's very definition nowhere is *actually* somewhere--but I'm ranting again!), your speed is also inversely proportional to your size.
SD Chaos-chan: o.O [frantic SD mode!] "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
SD Dark Schneider-chan: [chasing after Chaos] "Come back here and accept your demise peacefully!"
SD Chaos-chan: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
SD Dark Schneider-chan: [gasp!] "How can someone whose legs are so small move so damned fast?!"
Of course, you must drink lots of caffeine to achieve Mach 3. Yes, when you're in SD mode you can outlap everything in the Japan Self-Defense Force's inventory. And since you're coming close to breaking the speed of light barrier, gravity no longer applies to the one who is SD. Come to think of it, none of the laws of physics do. When one is SD, it's akin to being a hyperactive bouncing rubber ball, leaving Chris Beveridge to lovingly ask while maintaining the website, "just how did this guy manage to get treadmarks on the ceiling of this rant?!"
Yes, you can ricochet all over everything--but just remember that with your accelerated speed, you can also run through things...such as solid cement walls.
SD Chaos-chan: @.@ "Itaiiii...."
SD Dark Schneider-chan: [shaking his head] "Twit."
And it may hurt.
Odds are you'll only feel it later on after you've reverted out from SD mode. Perhaps I should also note here that when one does become akin to said rubber ball, other characters who are annoyed with your antics have very little compunctions to fire you across the nearest ocean. But don't worry! So long as you live in Tokyo, that there Tokyo Tower will act as a magnet and have you boomeranging back to your point of origin in no time.
However, once again physics will be a mute point...and you'll probably wind up smacking into the tower, and having it bend backwards like a car antenna. In which case you're going to be once again flung for a round trip over the country. But we're not going through the woods and over the hills to grandma's house; after all, grandma is just a tiny prune and not a Super-Deformed one.
[Cue the obligatory magical girl "love & justice" spiel segment!]
Sailor Moon: "The elders are people we should respect, not compare to sun-dried fruit! For such a remark, I shall punish you! Right Luna? Luna?"
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Too late."
Sailor Moon: o.O "You shaved the word 'Omelette' into my cat?! Okay, that's it! In the name of the moon, I shall punish you!"
Sailor Moon: [grrrr!] "Why you little--!!"
Chaos: [pointing the camera away from the ensuing melee] "This isn't appropriate for children to read!"
Important safety tip here for those of you who go SD: when you've shrunk down to "pint-sized," you become extremely kawaii (cute). As a result, many times cute high school girls will fawn all over you, exclaiming how adorable you look. Kinda like an Anime plushie doll. Now normally this potential form of fanservice is nothing to complain about. However, there are those who speak from previous SD experience:
SD Chaos-chan: --;; [in a cute dress] "First comes the fawning. And then before you realize you've been trapped, they've got you dressed up in a skirt because you look 'oh so kawaii in it, ne? Ne? Ne?'"
SD Dark Schneider-chan: [not even bothering to stifle his laugh] "Geez, you haven't even transformed into a magical cross-dresser this time."
SD Chaos-chan: "I can't believe I have to be subjected to this humiliation! This thing doesn't even match my earrings!"
[SD Dark Schneider-chan facevaults!]
Sailor Moon: [still chasing after Tamagoyaki] "I said get back here, you demonic gerbil!"
Tamagoyaki: "Mwah hah ha hah hah ha!! You have to catch me first, fuku-girl!"
And as you must have noticed by now, Super-Deformity is not merely a physical thing either. As the 'D' in SD implies, your personality is quite warped too. The degree of how psychotic you become is again inversely proportional to your size. All rules of maturity are thrown right out the window like the author's own last personal shred of sanity.
SD Chaos-chan: "Sanity? Our author has that?"
SD Dark Schneider-chan: "At least that's what he tells Mr. Sock Puppet."
And so we thus conclude this Super-Deformed Ranting Feature on all that is small yet absolutely warped beyond all possible full-sized recognition. Tune in next week, when you'll hear an SD Chaos-chan say:
SD Chaos-chan: [run away! Run away!] "I can't take you anywhere, can I?!"
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Nope."
SD Dark Schneider-chan: [he's...bald?] "YOU FREAKS ARE SO DEAD FOR SHAVING MY HAIR OFF!! HALLOWE'EN!!!"
SD Chaos-chan: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! TASUKETEEEEEEEEEE!!!"