When Magical Girls Go Wrong, Part 1 (Mania.com)
By:His Lordship Chaos
Part I: The Contractual Obligatory Mascot Bit
It was just another beautiful day in Tokyo. And I was happily walking down the street, minding my own business. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I had just realized that for some strange reason, oncoming traffic was headed straight for me. After flinging my way out of the path of an irately honking Honda, I found myself dazed and lying in a curbside patch of periwinkle flowers.
Yet that didn't faze me; at the risk of you readers drawing inaccurate conclusions about my coordination, this was not the first time I had mistaken the road for the sidewalk. But we're not going to mention last week's moped incident right now. So I sat there, blinking in surprise and pondering to myself many different things.
Such as...as...why this frighteningly kawaii gerbil was perched on my shoulder and smiling at me. Now the gerbil unto itself wasn't that scary. But the pink tutu it was wearing was definitely causing my eyebrow to twitch.
Gerbil: ^-^ "Hi! I'm Epsilon van Suisei no Tamagoyaki, the sixteenth!! But you can call me Bob."
Chaos: [nodding as if understanding] "Ooooookaaaay...."
At first I thought I was having a traumatizing flashback to when my Pokemon goldfish died when I was a child. We had cremated the Pokemon and then flushed its ashes down the toilet; a burial at sea, if you will. Now when confronted by a talking tutu-clad rodent, I did what any sensible person would have done.
I punted that little furball's butt straight across the Ginza Ward.
Gerbil: "This wasn't the reaction I was expectiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!"
Happy with myself for having overcome yet another adversity, I set off back down the sidewalk--and was immediately slapped with a lawsuit by SPCAM (Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Anime Mascots). And then it suddenly began to rain. I pulled out my umbrella, but a random bolt of lightening struck it and turned me into a smoldering li'l otaku.
Completely omitting that "giant robot running amok and stepping on me" incident, I made it home...soaked, stampeded on, and finding myself fined for punting that gerbil. Needless to say, I was not in a good mood.
Fortunately, who should show up on my bed covers (and thus become an outlet to let me vent my frustrations) but that talking, tutu-clad gerbil! Well...actually this time he had on a business suit and carried a really small attaché case.
[Cue the rapid dialogue mode segment!]
Chaos: [grrrr!] "YOU!!"
Gerbil: [hmph!] "You certainly have a strange way of showing your appreciation to me."
Chaos: "Appreciation?! With the distance you got when I punted you, you should be in Cephiro by now! And furthermore, I...I...I can't believe I'm arguing with something that spends most of its time in a hamster wheel."
Gerbil: [taking out a miniature business card] "Here. This will prove my credentials to you."
Chaos: [reading the card] "'Tamagoyaki's Agency of Love and Justice. Producer of upstanding magical girls since...Creamy Mami'?! What is this?!"
Gerbil: "Look, Chaos--can I call you Chaos?"
Chaos: [groan!] "Whatever. I doubt this column's censors would let me getting away with calling you the names I'm thinking of right now."
Gerbil: "Look, the Earth is in danger and we need your help. According to our Magical Girl Instrumentality Project, you are the 1st Girl we're looking for to protect this planet."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "You're a talent scout?"
Gerbil: "No, I'm the frighteningly kawaii talking mascot who's contractually obligated to accompany you on all your adventures. It's the law."
Chaos: --;; [massaging his forehead] "I swear I'm getting punished for all those 'Chibiusa is a big, fat Yamhead' jokes I ever made. Waaaait a minute! You said I'm a candidate for being a magical girl?"
Gerbil: "No, I said you *are* a magical girl."
Snapping out of rapid dialogue mode for a moment, I blinked a few times in stunned surprise, gawking at the snappily dressed rodent. Now perhaps others would have jumped at the chance to become a magical girl and wear cute little skirts...provided they were not of the male gender, such as I was. Needless to say, a guy being asked to be a Magical Girl would indeed have it's little...problems. Fan service requests would plummet, to be sure.
Chaos: o.O "I'm a what?"
Gerbil: [sigh!] "Yare yare, how many times must I go over this? Most of the ones we select are a little clueless, but never anything like this. As I said before, Magical Girl Instrumentality has shown you are the 1st Girl."
Chaos: [ripping off his shirt] "Oh yeah? Does a magical girl have chest hair?!"
Gerbil: "I see no visible hair on your chest at all."
[Cue the facevault!]
Chaos: [argh!] "I. AM. A. GUY!!!!!"
Gerbil: o.O;;; "No kidding."
Chaos: [irate li'l Super-deformed mode] "YES!! I am male twenty fours a day, seven days a week! And on holidays and long weekends too!"
Gerbil: [consulting his notes] "Magical Girl Instrumentality never said anything about this."
And so for the next few hours I tried to reason with my gerbil for a mascot. Unfortunately, agents of love and justice are surprisingly hard to come by these days. Everyone's out to merchandise their faces on products (such as Sailor Moon tissues or Nurse Angel Ririka Inter- Continental Ballistic Missiles), and a genuine magical girl was near extinct.
Hence the Magical Girl Instrumentality Project.
And just my luck, I got selected to be the next generation of Magical Girl. Yes, I too weep for the future. I could have gotten to pilot a big mobile suit and blown things up, but nooooo! And the gerbil was quite insistent that I fulfill my chosen duties of love and justice.
And so I found myself in a bit of a quandary. I could don a magical girl's outfit complete with pleated skirt, ribbons and bows going everywhere, and lots of flashy accessories. That, or get into some incredibly tight bodysuit with a mask that allows for no facial expressions (yet apparently something I can talk through with relative ease) and make many strange and nonsensical Power Ranger arm gestures in an effort to scare away some guy in a rubber monster suit.
As you can imagine, I went with the pleated skirt.
In all honesty, I'd just be impressed if no one recognized me in such an outfit. After all, I have incredibly long and noticeable turquoise- blue hair (which is natural, I'll have you know; it runs in the family) which I have crafted into distinguishable spikes sticking out at least 2 feet in every direction. And it's really silky smooth, because I use at least two conditioners when I shower every morning...but that's not important right now.
Suddenly I realized the ultimate secret to how my identity as a Magical Girl would remain a secret despite my obvious physical appearance: how would you react if you saw a guy dressed as a heroine of love and justice?
Exactly! You'd look away and keep chanting, "I saw nothing."
So that marks my first traumatizing encounter--
Gerbil: [ahem!] "Magical girls never supposed to be sarcastic. They're to be bubbly, vivacious and likable young ladies. It's in the Handbook--and I suggest you study it."
Chaos: "Ha! What are you going to do, furball? Nibble on my shoelaces if I don't cooperate?"
[Cue Tamagoyaki the gerbil pulling out an enormous Particle Cannon!]
Chaos: o.O;; "My...what a shiny gun barrel you have."
Gerbil: ^-^ "We mascots have been renegotiating our contract. This is one of the new bonuses we get."
[Cue the eyecatch!]
Next time on When Magical Girls Go Wrong: how to identify the poor schmuck who's going to get some aspect of their pure & innocent personality sucked out of them by a stupidly-dressed youma.