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The Coolest Sentient Cars

Coolest Sentient Cars
© Mania/Robert Trate

 What the hell is it about talking cars that we love so much? The automotive industry has its enthusiasts, and people often refer to their vehicles in affectionate – almost familial – terms, but for the vehicles to talk back… that’s something else entirely. Pixar’s Cars franchise has put anthropomorphic vehicles back in the pop culture spotlight, but they’re hardly alone. Here is a list of the best-known sentient vehicles, along with their non-factory options and respective attitude towards human beings. They join the ranks of Lightning McQueen, Tow Mater and the rest of the Radiator Springs gang.

7. Johnny Cab (Total Recall)

Johnny Cab is the quasi-intelligent taxi that bedevils Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall. It’s comparatively dim as talking cars go, with a limited list of either/or choices its users can make and an annoying voice designed solely to infuriate any occupants.

Options Package: Minimal. Any alterations you make to the basic model are basically impromptu, as Schwarzenegger eventually demonstrates.

Attitude: Ostensibly benevolent, but its supremely irritating persona suggests a hidden agenda to drive humans mad and pave the way for the machine empire.

6. The Green Goblin Truck (Maximum Overdrive)

The Green Goblin Truck acts as the de facto leader of the vehicular revolt in Stephen King’s inadvertently goofy Maximum Overdrive. As bad as the film is, the “Goblinmobile” actually cuts a fairly menacing figure, as it traps a group of hapless customers inside a truck stop in an effort to wipe them out. Pity it didn’t account for the cache of military-grade weapons in the basement…

Options Package: None, but it doesn’t need them. As an 18-wheeler, it can pretty much run down any problem it confronts.

Attitude: Definitely in the “destroy all humans” camp, and it clearly holds ambitions towards running things when the meat puppets are all roadkill. Again, it just didn’t factor on the great equalizer: copious amounts of judiciously applied gunpowder.

5. Benny the Cab (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)

Benny is Roger’s de facto wheelman, providing timely getaways delivered with a thick helping of Brooklyn attitude. When it comes to navigating the streets of LA, there’s no one better; just check your shorts for skid marks after the ride is over.

Options Package: Copious undefined extras, including extendable wheels and instant reverse gear capacities. This comes on top of the fact that he’s a Toon, and thus basically indestructible.

Attitude: Very benevolent, though slightly surly. He seems to take a freeform approach to traffic laws, which may inadvertently threaten nearby pedestrians. His timely rescues, coupled with a healthy disregard for authority, give him a pass on his driving skills.

4. Rubber (Rubber)

Okay, this isn’t strictly a vehicle – just a tire that comes to life in the desert – but it has full mobility and certainly can think for itself. It exists more as a metaphysical concept that an actual object: an embodiment of the absurdist notion that anything can happen in the movies. And as the people who cross its path can attest, it definitely cuts an unforgettable figure.

Options: Severely stripped down, but with one notable tweak: it can blow up people’s heads with its mind. Bucket seats kind of lose their luster after that.

Attitude: Hates humans, but only in a very immediate way.  If the Goblinmobile is a brutal dictator, Rubber is more of a serial killer: killing people retail rather than wholesale.

3. KITT (Kinght Rider)

The Knight Industries Two Thousand was built to fight crime: basically a sentient computer with four-wheel drive. Its human creators were smart to place it in an easily containable form – ensuring that it works for good instead of taking over every mainframe in the universe – but then sabotage themselves by pairing it with David Hasselhoff. (On the other hand, check out the evil goatee the Hoff sports in the clip above.) Despite the handicap, KITT keeps the lid on the bad guys with the help of the Amazing Indestructible Celebrity at the wheel.

Options: Almost too many to count. Turbo boosts, temperature resistant sides,  infrared scanners, ejector seats, independent driving, and the ability to carry on a sparkling conversations with the Algonquin Round Table at the drop of a hat.

Attitude: Friendly, helpful and unflappable, even in the face of destruction. In our geekiest moments, we all secretly hope to have a car like KITT in the driveway.

2. Herbie (The Love Bug)

Disney’s ubiquitous “Love Bug” has survived multiple hideous sequels (including one with Lindsey Lohan) and still retains every inch of its voice-free charm. It has the heart of a competitor and loyalty of a pit bull, and the ability to outrun any other racer on the road.

Options: Quite a few, mostly magical in nature. Besides ungodly speed, Herbie can move independently of human guidance and continue driving even after he’s literally cut in two.

Attitude: Decidedly pro-human. They don’t call him the Love Bug for nothing.

1. Christine (Christine)