STARGATE ATLANTIS
© Sci-Fi Channel
Death Watch '05
By: David Michael WhartonDate: Monday, April 11, 2005
I was originally going to sing the praises of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA this week, but that was before this Creeping Lovecraftian Death Cold set up shop in my head and turned my respiratory system into an industrial-grade snot factory. And so, as I lay here feeling like warmed-over death, it only seems fair that we check into the health of the assorted shows we know and love (or curse and despise, as the case may be). This past week saw several exciting developments, so let's run down the list.
24
Network: Fox
Status: Undetermined
It hasn't been made official, but given the solid ratings this season, it's fairly certain that Jack Bauer will be having at least one more really bad day. Of course, since this year they've had approximately three-dozen disasters break out, I have to wonder what will be left to trouble Mr. Bauer. Perhaps locust swarms? Either way, the fact that LOST uber-scribe David Fury will be leaving the island in favor of becoming a co-exec producer on this show gives me hope.
THE 4400
Network: USA
Status: Returns this summer for a second season.
I missed this X-FILES-meets-RISING STARS series when it aired last year, but the DVD of the first season currently sits on my shelf awaiting a gap in my viewing schedule. After solid ratings for USA, it's no surprise that we'll be seeing more of the Abductees. (Is that what they're calling them? Again, didn't see the show...)
ALIAS
Network: ABC
Status: Renewed for 2005-2006
ABC's renewal of their spy drama for a fifth season spurs mixed feelings in me. On the one hand, it's had some dynamite high points during its run, but the last two years have been less than stellar. In particular, this season has all but wasted the uninterrupted airing schedule. Having the season run straight through would have worked wonders for some of the show's more Byzantine mythology, but instead showrunner J.J. Abrams has all but abandoned the show's most interesting characteristics in favor of some ill-conceived attempt to recapture past glories. Sure, the intricate storylines and cliffhangers of previous seasons may have rewarded loyal viewers at the expense of newbies, but it looks like the Faustian trade-off for gaining viewers is that a great show has been watered down to mediocre melodrama. Who knows, maybe the impending return of a certain someone in the season finale will get this show's lethargic juices flowing again.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Network: Fox
Status: Undetermined
My fingers are crossed and my voodoo dolls stand at the ready.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Network: Sci-Fi Channel
Status: Returning this summer for a second season.
That has to be one of the fastest renewals and returns for a second season on record. But it's well deserved. I don't think we've seen as ambitious an SF drama since the heyday of BABYLON 5, and so far, it hasn't stumbled as egregiously as that show occasionally did (coughcoughGrey17isMissingcough), especially in its first season. Sure, we're only one season in, but until David Warner shows up looking for the Holy Grail, BSG is hitting nothing but home runs.
BOSTON LEGAL
Network: ABC
Status: Renewed for 2005-2006
It's sort of a good news/bad news situation. The show went on hiatus to make room for GREY'S ANATOMY, which then became a ratings hit. So now ANATOMY gets to keep the timeslot and BOSTON will hold its remaining eps back until next fall, making for an extended season, supposedly. Then again, we should probably take that with a grain of salt: some of us still remember the KAREN SISCO fiasco. Godspeed, Mr. Shatner.
CARNIVALE
Network: HBO
Status: Undetermined
See ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, above.
CHARMED
Network: WB
Status: Undetermined
Beats me, man. Obviously somebody's watching this thing. I've never actually met any of them, but they must exist. If you or someone you know has verifiable proof of the existence of CHARMED fans, email me. This could be up there with finally dragging Nessie out of Loch Ness or finding a Yeti snared in your rabbit hutch.
THE DEAD ZONE
Network: USA
Status: Returning this summer
I'm about three seasons behind, but always glad to see this solid show keep on trucking. So, has he shot Sean Patrick Flanery yet?
DEADWOOD
Network: HBO
Status: Renewed for 2005-2006
Otherwise known as "The HBO period drama that gets all the respect." Maybe CARNIVALE should have thrown in a few more "c%&$suckers" to shake things up.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Network: ABC
Status: Do you even have to ask?
Of course it's coming back. Do you think ABC suddenly decided they didn't like printing money? Still, it's got enough of a dark sense of humor (not to mention high MILF-quotient) to make it enjoyable for the guys out there whose wives make them sit through EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION beforehand.
HOUSE
Network: Fox
Status: Renewed for 2005-2006
It's suffers from House being far and away more interesting than the rest of the cast, is often formulaic as hell, but I'm glad to see that my favorite acerbic doc with the lethal bedside manner will be returning next fall to solve some more improbably complicated medical dilemmas.
LOST
Network: ABC
Status: Renewed for 2005-2006
No surprise there. Although, if the plot development increases at the same ratio as CARNIVALE did from first to second season, expect them to open the hatch, kill the French woman, tame the jungle monster, and discover the true nature of the island, all before the end of the season premiere's teaser.
MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE
Network: Fox
Status: Renewed for 2005-2006
The kids are approaching their early 30s, a lot of people probably don't even know this show is still on, but it there it is.
MEDIUM
Network: NBC
Status: Renewed for 2005-2006
Hell, I could have predicted that.
NUMBERS
Network: CBS
Status: Undetermined
NUMBERS is a lot like HOUSE, in that both are fairly formulaic but do what they do in a fun, engaging manner. Granted, nobody on this show is nearly as much fun as Dr. House, but it's a pleasant distraction should you be stuck at home on a Friday night. And you can learn about math, assuming you understand anything beyond the first syllable of Charlie's mathematical exegesis of the week!
THE SIMPSONS
Network: Fox
Status: Undetermined
Yeah, yeah, undetermined...but seriously. This show won't die till Groening decides to kill it.
SMALLVILLE
Network: WB
Status: Undetermined
The upcoming SUPERMAN film may throw some doubt onto the possibility of another season, even though that very thought has been poo-poo'd to death by both showrunners and WB officials. Then again, I'm not sure I'd want to see a fifth season, given the nonsense with Witchy Lana that has eaten up much of this year. If they do come back, hopefully they'll realize that Lana is the least interesting part of the show, always has been. And also, here's a tip: Kristen Kreuk's acting range does not include "menacing."
STARGATE ATLANTIS
Network: Sci-Fi
Status: Returning this summer
I've never watched it, but good news for all you ATLANTIS fans out there. Sci-Fi seems eager to ride the STARGATE brand name as far as it will carry them.
STARGATE SG-1
Network: Sci-Fi
Status: Returning this summer
This one I have watched on occasion, so I wish it nothing but good tidings as it enters it seventy-third season. (Man, Richard Dean Anderson is aging remarkably!)
STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE
Network: UPN
Status: Dead as a doornail
Old news by now, but still depressing. The show displayed an exciting vitality this year under the skilled hands of Manny Coto and writers like Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens. Unfortunately, their efforts proved to be like trying to plug a hull breach with Bubble Yum: tasty while it lasts, but ultimately futile. Sadly, it appears that until someone can secure an exorcist powerful enough to cast Rick Berman out of this once-shining franchise, all we have to look forward to is more of the same, if even that. And now Paramount is planning to go ahead with yet another feature film, this one set even earlier in TREK continuity and featuring none of the characters from any previous series. At the rate they're going, a few years from now we'll have a new TREK series set in the 1960s. But hey, at least then the characters in the show would be able to watch good TREK.
VERONICA MARS
Network: UPN
Status: Renewed for 2005-2006!
I honestly can't believe it, but insiders are telling TV Guide that my Emergency Back-up Wife Kristen Bell will be returning for a sophomore year. (And once my actual wife reads that, there's a good chance she'll be switching over to her Emergency Back-up Husband, so Ben Browder better clear his schedule.) At any rate, that almost makes up for UPN becoming home to the Britney Spears reality show. Almost.
All in all, it's been a pretty good year for genre television. Skimming back over all this, I see a lot more renewals than cancellations, and most of the undetermineds have a good shot at a return engagement. And any year where we get a second season of BSG only a few months after the first one wraps up, it's a good time to be a genre fan. Shout for joy or weep bitter tears at tvwasteland@cinescape.com. Or just say, "Howdy." Keep your head and hands inside the television, folks...
MONDAY, APRIL 11
BULLETPROOF MONK (6:15 PM CST, Showtime) You know, if I were a superpowered monk charged with protecting a powerful scroll from Nazis and I needed a little back-up, I know my first choice would be Stifler from AMERICAN PIE.
24 (8 PM CST, Fox) A pair of unlucky campers get caught up in Jack's bad day when they retrieve something from the wreckage of Air Force One. Meanwhile, one of the engines gets sucked through a wormhole, creating a tangent universe that must be destroyed by a sullen adolescent and a talking six-foot rabbit.
CSI: MIAMI (9 PM CST, CBS) "Sex & Taxes." Two IRS agents are killed in the same day, which probably won't seem like nearly enough for some folks come April 15.
STARSHIP TROOPERS (10:30 PM CST, Showtime) Bugs, Mr. Rico! Zillions of 'em!
TUESDAY, APRIL 12
FRANK HERBERT'S 'DUNE' (6 PM CST, Sci-Fi) As part of their Miniseries Month, Sci-Fi's replaying their three-part take on Herbert's classic.
HOUSE (8 PM CST, Fox) "Role Model." A senator and potential presidential candidate doesn't take the news well when he's told he has AIDS. As opposed to aides, which he already knew about.
SCRUBS (8 PM CST, NBC) "My Big Move." Cox's advice to a teenage girl goes awry. And if we can't entrust our children to Dr. Cox, then we are all surely doomed.
VERONICA MARS (8 PM CST, UPN) "Weapons of Class Destruction." Veronica learns of a series of bomb threats against the school. Many thanks to UPN for making like LOGAN'S RUN and renewing!
THE OFFICE (8:30 PM CST, NBC) "The Alliance." Dwight wants to pool his efforts with Jim to combat downsizing. This is the fourth episode of the American version to air, tying with last year's execrable American-ized COUPLING. Barring a cancellation this week, it looks like THE OFFICE will at least have a slightly happier fate.
BLIND JUSTICE (9 PM CST, ABC) "Seoul Man." Detective Dunbar dons red tights, kicks Stilt-Man in the crotch.
THE SHIELD (9 PM CST, FX) "Tar Baby." Vic and Shane track a black-tar heroin ring, while Dutch and Claudette look into the death of an elderly woman shot in her own home.
HISTORY OF PORNOGRAPHY (9 PM CST, Trio) Includes a special segment on how you only read it for the articles.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13
SMALLVILLE (7 PM CST, WB) "Onyx." In a very comic book-y twist, an explosion at the Lexcorp plant splits Lex into Good Lex and Evil Lex. No word yet if Evil Lex sports a goatee.
STACKED (7:30 PM CST, Fox) "Pilot." Somewhere out there, there's a Fox development executive who uttered the words, "You know who needs a sitcom? Pamela Anderson." He'll be the first one against the wall when the revolution comes (especially if they cancel ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT). (Series premiere)
REVELATIONS (8 PM CST, NBC) "Pilot." Apocalypse is big business these days, and with that in mind, NBC offers up this attempt to cash in on the LEFT BEHIND crowd. Sarcasm aside, the pilot script wasn't half bad, so it's probably worth a watch if you're in the mood to be distracted from the troubles of the world by a tale of Biblical cataclysm. (Series premiere)
ALIAS (8 PM CST, ABC) "Pandora." Vaughn's still looking for his daddy, Syd's trying to find the man she thought her mom hired to kill her, and Jack is faced with the consequences of his pulling a Spock last week in the reactor core.
JACK & BOBBY (8 PM CST, WB) "Friends with Benefits." The track coach asks Bobby to try out for the team, which I'm sure will go over well with Jack, what with his bum leg and
all.
LAW & ORDER (9 PM CST, NBC) "Tombstone." The original crosses over with TRIAL BY JURY this week, preparing the way for NBC to eventually transition to the "All LAW & ORDER Network" in 2007.
EYES (9 PM CST, ABC) "Wings." So the new show starring Tim Daly now has an episode titled "Wings." Somebody on the writing staff has a sense of humor. Stay tuned for next week's all-new LOST: "Party of Five."
CSI: NY (9 PM CST, CBS) "Crime and Misdemeanor." The body of a woman found in a laundry bag leads back to fancy hotel and a UN trade representative. Metaphorically, I mean...the body wasn't carved up and used like a trail of breadcrumbs or anything. Although I think I just wrote their season finale for them.
THURSDAY, APRIL 14
THE O.C. (7 PM CST, Fox) "The Rager." I wonder who would win in a fight between the BEVERLY HILLS 90210 "kids" and the O.C. kids. I'm not speaking hypothetically, either. Let's break out the edged weapons and set this up as a Pay-Per-View event.
HOUSE OF WAX (7 PM CST, TCM) This original had Vincent Price. The upcoming remake has Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert. Draw your own conclusions.
TRU CALLING (8 PM CST, Fox) "The Last Good Day." It's cats and dogs living together when Jack gets called on to help a doomed soul instead of Tru.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (8 PM CST, CBS) "4 x 4." It's four murders for the price of one, because you can never have enough dead bodies on television.
GINGER SNAPS BACK: THE BEGINNING (8:30 PM CST, Showtime) The third in the girl-power werewolf series travels back in time to a 19th Century Canadian outpost with a lycanthrope problem.
FRIDAY, APRIL 15
JOAN OF ARCADIA (7 PM CST, CBS) "Common Thread." I've heard good things about this show, but I'm still bitter that it survived beyond its first season when WONDERFALLS didn't.
STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE (7 PM CST, UPN) "Bound." An Orion pirate gifts Archer with three slave women, a setup that should provide months of fodder for fanfic writers.
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE INVISIBLE MAN (7 PM CST, TCM) There's these guys named Abbott and Costello, see? And they meet this other guy, what's invisible. Then, two hours later, they meet the Mummy.
LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY (9 PM CST, NBC) "Skeleton." Concluding the crossover with the parent series, Salazar and Fontana investigate a porn magnate. As opposed to a porn magnet, which might make for an interesting episode in itself.
SATURDAY, APRIL 16
INDEPENDENCE DAY (6 PM CST, FX) Supposedly Spielberg wanted to make WAR OF THE WORLDS years ago, but the release of this flick convinced him to hold off. I wonder if he was secretly planning to do a crappy Godzilla movie too?
REEFER MADNESS (7 PM CST, Showtime) Showtime adds a little pizzazz to the camp factor of the infamous anti-dope propaganda film from the 30s...by remaking it as a musical! And both Nightcrawler and Veronica Mars star!
THE BATMAN (7:30 PM CST, Cartoon Network) "Call of the Cobblepot." Bats meets Penguin for the first time. But will it have penguins with rocket-launchers on their backs?
JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED (8 PM CST, Cartoon Network) "The Once and Future Thing: Time, Warped." The League chases Chronos to the future, where Bats meets his future successor, John Stewart meets his offspring, and Hal Jordan makes a brief appearance thanks to a paradox or two. (Repeat)
SUNDAY, APRIL 17
MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (6:30 PM CST, Fox) "Ida's Dance." Lois bakes an outlandish desert, and Malcolm struggles with music appreciation tests.
THE SIMPSONS (7 PM CST, Fox) "Future-Drama." Thanks to Professor Frink, we get a glimpse into the Simpsons' future. Which will most likely contradict all the other glimpses into the Simpons' future we've had over the preceding seasons.
CHARMED (7 PM CST, WB) "Scry Hard." To be followed by "Scry Harder" and "Scry Hard With a Vengeance."
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT (7:30 PM CST, Fox) "The Righteous Brothers." Let's hope this is just the season finale, not the series one. I'm serious about the voodoo dolls, Fox. (Season finale)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (8 PM CST, ABC) "Live Alone & Like It." You know what would really spice up this show? If that creepy family from THE 'BURBS moved in. Man, I love that movie.
DEADWOOD (8 PM CST, HBO) "E.B. Was Left Out." I'm glad this show got renewed again, but come on HBO, pick up CARNIVALE already! Poor Ben Hawkins got his business ripped off by Bruce Willis in that SIN CITY movie, so throw a brother a bone. Er...
This concludes our broadcast.
