Dec. 10 Dec. 16: Christmas Special Alert!

CINESCAPE's TV columnist explains why she hates the dreaded beast known as the "Network TV Christmas Special"

By Sonia Mansfield     December 10, 2001

Yeah, so I've been thinking about network Christmas specials a lot lately.

Well, I haven't been thinking about them as much as that Spike and Buffy love scene from a couple of weeks ago, but still, I've been thinking about them.

Network holiday specials are truly awful. They feel forced, and certainly don't put me in the Christmas spirit. Do network execs actually think that watching groups like 'N Sync massacre classic Christmas carols is festive? They probably do. I mean, these are the same people who think I want to watch UC: UNDERCOVER.

So anyway, I was thinking that it could be worse. There are worse holiday specials out there than the ones currently gracing our screen. Here are a few holiday specials I don't want to see:

FEAR FACTOR: A VERY FEARFUL CHRISTMAS Contestants dress up as Santa and participate in such holiday-themed events as keeping your head in a glass box filled with red- and green-colored scorpions, millipedes, and tarantulas, reindeer boxing and touring the factory where eggnog is made.

WHEN ELVES ATTACK I wouldn't be surprised if Fox executives are considering this one right now. "It's perfect. We could air it right after the North Pole edition of Cops."

"Naughty or nice: Women who like to have sex with women who dressed up as men dressed as Santa on the next JERRY SPRINGER."

SANTA: AFTER DARK Not for the kiddies. This one's for the grown-ups. "Santa's got a present for you..." [Insert porn music here.]

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER: THE E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY The story of a reindeer who had everything and lost it all. Suffering from performance anxiety, Rudolph turned to coke to keep his nose red and starting dating Pamela Anderson but she left him for Tommy Lee... again. He hit rock bottom after being passed over for a high-profile spot on BLUE'S CLUES to teach reindeer games. Rudolph slipped further into his depression, but put his faith in God and is now working on his comeback album.

There you go.

Yeah, so let me break down the week for you. And, as always, check your local listings. You never know when some network exec will preempt something for a holiday special.

Monday, December 10

It's a case of daddy doesn't know best, when Angel learns how difficult it is to be a father - especially when the whole demon underworld wants to kill your kid in tonight's ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.).

Prepare yourself for LORD OF THE RINGS by watching PASSAGE TO MIDDLE-EARTH on the Sci-Fi Channel at 9 p.m.

Tuesday, December 11

Tonight we

get a special rebroadcast of "Hush," the BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.) episode in which a group of demons called The Gentlemen steal the voices of everyone in Sunnydale. I think this is one of the best BUFFY episodes ever.

Clark learns that Luthercorp has been working on experiments with kryptonite in tonight's SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.).

In order to save the world, Liz must push Max away from her and into the arms of another woman in tonight's ROSWELL (UPN, 9 p.m.). That happened to me with my last boyfriend, but it wasn't so much to save the world as my sanity.

It's 4 a.m. to 5 a.m. in tonight's 24 on Fox. York finds his daughter at the hospital; Jack's daughter is still missing. Also, Mason prevents Jack from questioning the cop killer.

Wednesday, December 12

The crew encounters an Earth-like planet that is haunted in tonight's ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.). Anyone else think that the Enterprise is turning into a space-traveling Mystery Machine? The ghosts on the planet would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for the meddling Federation officers.

Nick and Kate take on the Boogeyman in tonight's SPECIAL UNIT 2 (UPN, 9 p.m.). Next week, it's the Candyman.

A female cop (Kathy Bates) has got the hots for Hank in tonight's KING OF THE HILL (Fox, 8 p.m.).

You know that hot chick who played Faith on BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER? Well, she's in that movie BRING IT ON (STARZ!, 8 p.m.) and she's pretty hot in that too. And she plays a cheerleader.

Thursday, December 13

Peter decides to take a job as a fisherman in tonight's FAMILY GUY (Fox, 8 p.m.). I'm sure hilarity ensues.

Arthur's old girlfriend wants to get back together, which really excites the Tick because, since they are a duo, he thinks they will both get to go out with her in tonight's THE TICK (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). I had no idea the Tick was so kinky.

A rich exec is found dead in an elevator and Grissom suspects foul play in tonight's CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 10 p.m.). Doesn't Grissom always suspect foul play?

The girls try to stop some warlocks who are enslaving the world's muses in tonight's CHARMED (WB, 9 p.m.). I was wondering why I was having such a hard time writing this column. My muse is missing.

Find out what's in the box and watch SEVEN tonight at 8 p.m. on STARZ!

Friday, December 14

A mother

hires Logan to find her missing son in tonight's DARK ANGEL (Fox, 8 p.m.). I'm going to go out on a limb and say that somehow the missing kid ties into Max and Manticore. Just a guess.

He's a mean one. Check out the original and far superior version of HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS tonight on the WB at 8 p.m.

Fox is repeating the 4 a.m. to 5 a.m. hour of 24 just in case you missed it on Tuesday.

Check out Kevin Bacon in HOLLOW MAN tonight on HBO at 8 p.m. It's no FOOTLOOSE but some people seemed to like it.

Whackos everywhere! Plagues and madness! Yep, 12 MONKEYS is on ENCORE at 8 p.m.

Saturday, December 15

Buffy takes on the master, while Xander and Angel rush to her help in tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings).

And after Buffy there's GENE RODDENBERRY'S ANDROMEDA (syndicated, check local listings).

Feel like a western? TBS has got THE QUICK AND THE DEAD at 6:50 p.m. I love the part where Gene Hackman says "I own this town. If you live to see another day it's because I allow it. I decide who lives and who dies." It reminds me of my dad.

After that you can watch Arnold Schwarzenegger's career begin to unravel by checking out THE LAST ACTION HERO at 8:50 p.m. on TBS.

Sunday, December 16

So, we got a new episode of FUTURAMA last week and now we're already getting reruns. It's not fair, dammit. Tonight's is the one in which the Professor is the key to stopping a robot-and-machine revolt against humans led by the evil Mom (Fox, 7 p.m.).

Bobby gets Jimmy Carter to work on a peace treaty between Hank and his father in tonight's KING OF THE HILL (Fox, 7:30 p.m.).

Strapped for funds, the church turns to Mr. Burns for help, which he then promptly turns into a business on tonight's THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.). Don't these people ever learn? You can't rely on Mr. Burns for anything... except comedy gold.

Lois threatens

to cancel Christmas if the boys can't behave in tonight's MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). Hmmm, I'm going to try that this year. Canceling Christmas, ay? That's a good way to save money.

A teenage boy's skull collapses after performing a silly stunt, but the cause of death is determined to be flies, which appear to have eaten the boy from the inside out in tonight's THE X-FILES on Fox at 9 p.m. Didn't I see that same thing on JACKASS?

Sydney's cover gets blown and she ends up facing Sloane in tonight's ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.). If you are not watching this show, you're a damn idiot. It just gets better and better.

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.