A CHRISTMAS STORY
© 1999 Warner Home Video

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Dec. 24 Dec. 30: Happy Holidays from TV Land!

Everywhere I look another TV or movie critics has written a Best-of or Worst-of list. If you are thinking that I am better than that, well, you are horribly wrong. I'm all for coppin' out and writing a year-end wrap up type of thing.

So here you go: My top six favorite TV moments this year. Why six? Because I'm a rebel, dammit:

6. Steve Martin hosting the Academy Awards. I just loved it when Martin starting mocking Russell Crowe and Crowe looked like he was going to unleash hell on him.

5. When FRIENDS starting beating SURVIVOR in the ratings. Sure, I'm not a big fan of FRIENDS, but I like to think more people watch it than some stupid-ass reality show.

4. "17 People" The episode of THE WEST WING that reminds me of how cool it is. It balances Toby grilling the President about his MS, Josh and Donna arguing over the date of their "anniversary" and the staff working on jokes for the annual correspondents dinner. Network television at its finest.

3. Some stupid kid setting himself on fire and then blaming it on MTV's JACKASS. The fact that parent groups and politicians listened to a complete moron that doesn't even know better than to not light himself on fire makes

Amber Benson and Alyson Hannigan doing a duet in "Once More With Feeling"

© 2001 UPN

2. Every episode of THE TICK that I've seen so far.

1. "Once More With Feeling" The all-singing, all-dancing episode of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Like I really wasn't going to pick it as the best episode of the year. I still can't get those damn songs out of my head.

So anyway, let me break down the week for you. And, as always, check your local listings.

Monday, December 24

Hey, hey, hey. It's the FAT ALBERT CHRISTMAS SPECIAL on UPN at 8 p.m.

I can't put my arms down! TNT has got A CHRISTMAS STORY marathon, which starts at 5:40 today and runs all through Christmas day.

Usually, FX has got two hours of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER at 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. Well, I guess because it's Christmas Eve and all, BUFFY is airing at 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. So, when you tune in at your same Buffy time and same Buffy channel, don't be alarmed when ALLY McBEAL is on instead. Just wait two hours.

If all this Christmas stuff is too much for you, then you might want to check out 1996's version of DOCTOR WHO on the Sci-Fi Channel. Are you sure? It's got Eric Roberts.

Tuesday, December 25

Merry Christmas!

Lisa Simpson meets Richard Gere in "She of Little Faith."

© 2001 Fox

At 9:30 p.m. Fox re-airs the Dec. 16 episode of MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE too. This is the one in which Lois threatens to cancel Christmas if the boys don't behave themselves for 24 hours.

It's Buffy vs. Dracula in this rerun of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.). This episode is way better than that crappy movie that came out a couple of years ago with Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves. Not exactly a great feat I know, but still...

A kid gets a case of kryptonite-induced hypothermia and has to feed off of other people's body heat to survive in tonight's rerun of SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.).

NBC has got POLTERGIST at 9 p.m. Ummm, yeah, that just screams Christmas doesn't it?

Wednesday, December 26

The crew explores a mysterious human colony in tonight's ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.).

Check out the conclusion to the great trilogy. Fooled you! It's just SCREAM 3 on Showtime at 8 p.m.

Sorry, no SPECIAL UNIT 2 tonight. UPN is airing IRON CHEF USA: HOLIDAY SHOWDOWN. Well, I guess they have a lot in common in that no one will watch either of them.

Thursday, December 27

A man who was disruptive to passengers aboard a commercial flight to Las Vegas dies on the plane and Grissom discovers evidence that the troubled man may have been murdered in tonight's rerun of CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 10 p.m.). Well, that's what he gets for being disruptive.

I swear we just saw this one. Phoebe and Piper discover they have a half-sister who looks suspiciously like Rose McGowan in tonight's rerun of CHARMED (WB, 9 p.m.).

He's the ghost with the most. Check out BEETLEJUICE on Comedy Central at 8 p.m.

Any movie with Benicio Del Toro is worth checking out, even THE WAY OF THE GUN on Showtime at 8 p.m. Well, maybe not that one with Alicia Silverstone. I heard that one was kinda stinky.

Friday, December 28

Anyone else

A CHRISTMAS STORY

© 1999 Warner Home Video

No DARK ANGEL tonight folks. Instead, Fox is airing the family-friendly Tom Hanks' comedy BIG at 8 p.m.

AMC has got DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORROR, a 1965 horror flick starring Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee and Donald Sutherland. Funny, I have a DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORROR in my life too. It's called my ex-boyfriend's place.

Watch out! It's a bomb! USA has got CUTTHROAT ISLAND at 9 p.m.

You know what's really scary about BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2 (Showtime, 8 p.m.)? Someone in Hollywood thought it was a good idea to make it. Yikes! I hear they're planning another sequel: LOOK WHO'S SCARY NOW: BLAIR WITCH 3. Well, that's just what I've heard.

Saturday, December 29

Two teens are building the perfect woman and for some reason they want to use Cordelia for spare parts in tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings).

Trance goes missing just as an onboard traitor puts the Andromeda at risk for being attacked by an alien race preying upon cargo ships in tonight's GENE RODDENBERRY'S ANDROMEDA (syndicated, check local listings).

Does Barry Manilow realize that you raid his wardrobe? THE BREAKFAST CLUB at 7 p.m. on TNT.

Check out the movie that spawned, well, some sequels and many, many Halloween costumes: HELLRAISER on Sci-Fi at 8 p.m.

The USA Network has got STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY at 9 p.m. Sorry, that's not the one with the whales.

Sunday, December 30

Fry goes searching for his old good luck charm in tonight's rerun of FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.). Hey, what's with the reruns already? The new season just started.

A cop has got a hankerin' for Hank in tonight's rerun of KING OF THE HILL on Fox at 7:30 p.m.

Skinner, Groundskeeper Willie and several students are stranded in the school by a killer storm in tonight's rerun of THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.). By the way... Willie? An under-appreciated comedic gem, if you ask me.

Malcolm starts hanging out with high school kids while working on a production of A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM in tonight's rerun of MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.).

20 cult members and two FBI agents kick the bucket. Sounds like a case for THE X-FILES (Fox, 9 p.m.).

There's some serious chick-on-chick action in tonight's rerun of ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.) when Sydney runs into Russian spy Anna. Sorry boys, they just fight.

See the movie that spawned a TV series that nobody watches: USA has got STARGATE at 7:30 p.m.

Sci-Fi has got GODZILLA VS. MEGALON at 8 p.m. Yeah, the special effects are lame and the story is kinda silly, but it's still better than that completely awful one that came out a couple of years ago.

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.