Here's a little tip from me to you: All holiday TV movies follow the same formula so don't bother watching them.
They all go like this: Joe Blow just doesn't know the true meaning of Christmas. Joe is always too busy working to spend time with his family or something traumatic happened to him so many years ago and he's hardened his heart against the holidays.
Then, Joe Blow meets: A) a kid; B) an adorable animal; C) a member of the opposite sex; D) all of the above, plus a loved one kicks the bucket, teaching Joe Blow the true meaning of Christmas. The end.
Don't believe me? Then check out any of the craptastic pieces of @#&! CBS is airing on Sunday nights.
Yeah, so, NBC has got former President George Bush describing the classic film IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE for the blind on Christmas Eve.
Like it's not bad enough that they are blind but now they are supposed to sit through Bush Sr. droning on and on. After 30 minutes they will wish they were deaf too.
Do you think that NBC execs purposefully booked someone with an annoying voice for this gig? What, was Fran Drescher busy? Couldn't they get someone with a cool voice like James Earl Jones or Barry White? Come on. Where's your freakin' Christmas spirit NBC?
Also on NBC, AMERICA'S GREATEST CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS on December 15. Wow, is NBC hard up for holiday specials or what? Coming in January: AMERICA'S WORST NEW YEAR'S DAY HANGOVERS, featuring Whitney Houston, Andy Dick, Robert Downey, Jr. and me.
Yeah, so anyway, let me know what you think? E-mail it to me at RedSonia@cinescape.com.
Now, let me break down the week for you. Oh, and as always, check your local listings.
Monday, December 16
Here's an unrated gem: AMC has got ENEMY MINE at 7 p.m.
The Cartoon Lisa Simpson meets Richard Gere in "She of Little Faith." © 2001 FoxNetwork has got HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS at 9 p.m. It's the cool animated one, not the horrific live action one.
There's an outbreak of STDs in town in this repeat of EVERWOOD (WB, 9 p.m.). Oh my, I hope they didn't catch it from that OUTBREAK monkey.
The crew investigates the death of a man who appears to be burned from the inside out in tonight's all-new CSI: MIAMI at 10 p.m. That happened to a friend of mine. She drank too much Sunny Delight.
TUESDAY, December 17
Giles returns to Sunnydale with three slayers-in-training in tonight's all-new BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.). You think they have to wear a paper hat that says "Trainee" on them?
Rory's Harvard application arrives and a slew of pop culture references ensue in this repeat of GILMORE GIRLS (WB, 8 p.m.).
Andy gets blackmailed by Jessica's nephews after they discover a steamy homemade movie of his in tonight's all-new ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). I don't know whether to laugh or get turned on or both.
A teen who is locked in his parent's basement by day sneaks out at night to give love letters to Lana in this repeat of SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.) once again proving my theory that there are no other teenage girls in Smallville except Lana and Chloe.
A rebellious teen moves to a gated community with her family and faces brainwashing in this repeat of THE TWILIGHT ZONE (UPN, 9 p.m.).
It's 3 p.m. to 4 p.m. and Tony hears a confession from Bob Warner in tonight's all-new 24 (Fox, 9 p.m.).
MTV has got f@#%in' THE OSBOURNES at 10:30 p.m.
WEDNESDAY, December 18
Hey, remember when Bernie played in that celebrity golf tournament with Matt Damon and Lucy Lawless? Yep, BERNIE MAC (Fox, 8 p.m.) is a repeat.
A deadly radioactive storm threatens the crew in tonight's ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.).
Van and Deaq get involved in a gunrunning case that involves another undercover cop who's fallen in love with one of the bad guys in this repeat of FASTLANE (Fox, 9 p.m.).
Helena learns that Reese's daddy is a mobster in tonight's BIRDS OF PREY (WB, 9 p.m.).
To help overcome his severe writer's block, a graphic novelist wills his dream woman to life, but the lines between reality and fantasy quickly begin to blur in tonight's THE TWILIGHT ZONE (UPN, 9 p.m.). Ummm, yeah, I already saw this when it was called COOL WORLD, and I didn't like it then either.
Don't forget to check out an all-new SOUTH PARK at 10 p.m. on Comedy Central.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19
Cinemax has Universal's DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS © 2001 Universalgot STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE at 6:15 p.m. I love that they called it STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE, instead of STAR TREK: THE MOVIE or LOOK WHO'S TREKKIN' NOW.
Elliot attends to a penniless teen who doesn't realize she's eight months pregnant in last year's holiday-themed episode of SCRUBS (NBC, 8:30 p.m.).
BBC America has got back-to-back episodes of MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS, starting at 9:40 p.m.
Unfortunately, there's no CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION or WITHOUT A TRACE tonight, so CBS can bring us three-hours (that's right, three hours!!!) of SURVIVOR: THAILAND the most boring SURVIVOR installment ever and that's really saying something, since I think they all suck.
FRIDAY, December 20
Here's your chance to check out the original FIREFLY pilot, written and directed by Joss Whedon, at 8 p.m. on Fox.
CBS is offering up a repeat of CSI: MIAMI at 10 p.m. instead of airing a new episode of my latest addiction, ROBBERY HOMICIDE DIVISION. Damn you, CBS!!! Damn you!!!
Showtime has got ODYSSEY 5 followed by JEREMIAH, starting at 10 p.m.
Watch James Lipton keep a straight face while asking the brilliant Philip Seymour Hoffman about his role as a zombie in MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK on INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO at 10 p.m. on Bravo.
SATURDAY, December 21
Hey, hey, hey, it's A FAT ALBERT CHRISTMAS at 8 p.m. on NBC.
That movie JOY RIDE is on HBO at 8 p.m., but just so you know, it has nothing to do with that Roxette song.
The Sci Fi Channel is airing Eddie Murphy's VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN at 8:30 p.m. Consider yourself warned.
The Cartoon Network has got SAMURAI JACK and JUSTICE LEAGUE, starting at 9 p.m.
SUNDAY, December 22
Dr. Zoidberg celebrates Freedom Day by eating the Earth flag, and an angry mob compels him to take refuge in his planet's embassy in tonight's FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.). What's the big deal?
UPN is giving you a second chance to check out Wednesday's ENTERPRISE at 8 p.m.
Lisa becomes The original Grinch © 2001 Warner Home Videoa Buddhist after commercial placements take over the church in this repeat of THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.).
Bobby gets Jimmy Carter to broker peace between Hank and his dad in this repeat of KING OF THE HILL (Fox, 8:30 p.m.).
Malcolm is stuck in the kids' ward of a hospital with what may be appendicitis in tonight's repeat of MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 9 p.m.).
Andy tries to help Wendy with her singing career with disastrous results in tonight's hilarious, all-new ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE (Fox, 9:30 p.m.). You worthless dogs! Bow your heads at the greatness that is ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE.
Irina surrenders to the CIA in this repeat of ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.).
Don't forget to check out tonight's all-new BOOMTOWN (NBC, 10 p.m.). One of the best shows on network TV.
The Cartoon Network's ADULT SWIM begins at 10 p.m.
Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.
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