SPORTS NIGHT
© 2002 Buena Vista Home Entertainment

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December 30 January 5: New Year's Resolutions

Got plans for New Year's Eve?

You do?

Well, aren't you superior?

I'll probably be spending the evening watching my SPORTS NIGHT DVDs and trying to decide whether my New Year's resolution should be trying to eat healthier or trying to get a life so next New Year's Eve I'm not spending it watching my SPORTS NIGHT DVDs and debating my New Year's resolutions.

Actually, I've got a whole list of New Year's resolutions. Wanna hear them? Well, too bad. Here's an abbreviated list:

• 
  
  Stop holding my breath waiting for a HOMICIDE DVD. It will be released when it's released. Holding my breath won't change anything.


• 
  
  Be extra nice to my FARSCAPE fan friends, because I know they are extra sensitive right now.
  


• 
  
  Beg everyone I know to watch ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE.


• 
  
  Cut back on making fun of my sister's fascination with SURVIVOR to three times a day.


• 
  
  End government-funded search for JAG fans under 50.


• 
  
  End government-funded search to find the people who voted for Nikki over Tamyra on AMERICAN IDOL.


• 
  
  Stop crying about the cancellation of THE TICK.


• 
  
  Begin crying about cancellation of FIREFLY.


• 
  
  No more yelling at the TV during AMAZING RACE. The contestants can't hear me.


• 
  
  Limit SIMPSONS references to one per minute.

Yeah, so anyway, let me know what you think? E-mail it to me at RedSonia@cinescape.com.

Now, let me break down the week for you. Oh, and as always, check your local listings.

Monday, December 30

The Sci Fi

Richard Dean Anderson leads the cast of STARGATE: SG-1 as Colonel Jack O'Neill

© 2002 USA Networks

A traveling psychologist comes to town and gets everybody in touch with their emotions in this repeat of EVERWOOD (WB, 9 p.m.). I find it best to ignore my emotions. They always seem to want Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream.

The crew finds a body in a shark in tonight's repeat of CSI: MIAMI at 10 p.m. Oh no! Land shark!

Monk investigates a murder at a beachfront resort in this repeat of MONK (ABC, 10 p.m.).

TUESDAY, December 31

Trek Alert! TNN is airing STAR TREK II through STAR TREK V all day long.

Andy and Jessica are forced to take a sensitivity training class in this repeat of ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.).

Fox is airing JOHN DOE tonight at 9 p.m. Unfortunately, it's a repeat. Sorry folks.

UPN is airing the final two episodes of last season's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER starting at 8 p.m.

SEX!!! The History Channel is airing THE HISTORY OF SEX all day long. I guess the folks at the History Channel are assuming that if you are at home watching TV on New Year's Eve then you probably don't know anything about sex. That hurts my feelings.

Lorelei goes out on a date with the most boring man on earth in this repeat of GILMORE GIRLS (WB, 8 p.m.). Hey, I've been there sister.

Clark has

SPORTS NIGHT

© 2002 Buena Vista Home Entertainment

The Sci Fi Channel has a TWILIGHT ZONE marathon tonight for all you, er, people who don't like to go out on New Year's Eve and, ummm, get your groove on.

Happy New Year! The Cartoon Network has got THE ADULT SWIM NEW YEAR'S EVE BASH at 11 p.m. I'm sure it is way, way, way better than anything Dick Clark is hosting.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1

Hung over? Well, maybe the BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER marathon on FX is just what you need 'cause it certainly isn't the 7^TH HEAVEN marathon on ABC Family.

Bernie gets Jordan to steal Bryanna's doll in this repeat of BERNIE MAC (Fox, 8 p.m.)

Dreq tries to help out his ex-girlfriend in this repeat of FASTLANE (Fox, 9 p.m.).

An automated repair vessel steals information from the Enterprise's data banks in this repeat of ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.).

The ladies go after a villain who is targeting police officers in this repeat of BIRDS OF PREY (WB, 9 p.m.).

When a telephone linesman is struck by lightning, he receives mysterious, extraordinary powers in this repeat of THE TWILIGHT ZONE (UPN, 9 p.m.).

Don't forget to check out tonight's all-new SOUTH PARK (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.).

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2

Whatever happened to Ferris Bueller when he grew up? Check it out when Fox airs ELECTION at 8 p.m.

J.D. and Elliot become sex buddies in tonight's all-new SCRUBS (NBC, 8:30 p.m.).

There are back-to-back reruns of CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION starting at 8 p.m.

Jack and his team investigate the disappearance of a VP of an investment-banking firm who vanished at a San Diego airport and left behind two empty suitcases in this repeat of WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, 10 p.m.). Maybe the airport lost him instead of losing his luggage.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 3

Sci Fi has

Ricardo Montalban's Khan Noonien Singh from STAR TREK II - THE WRATH OF KHAN

© Paramount

Co-ed shower alert! FX has got STARSHIP TROOPERS at 7:30 p.m. Of course, it's on FX which means it's probably edited out. Sorry folks.

I have discovered the next POWERPUFF GIRLS and it is FAIRLY ODDPARENTS on Nickelodeon at 9 p.m.

Sarah and Angela use their knowledge of the future to attempt to stop a murder of a young girl in tonight's ODYSSEY 5 (Showtime, 10 p.m.).

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4

Go! Go! Go! IFC has got RUN LOLA RUN at 7 p.m.

I don't care what everybody says, GOSFORD PARK (Starz, 8 p.m.) sucks!

Speaking of things that suck, NBC is airing one of the worst movies I've ever seen in a theater - TWISTER at 8:30 p.m. Consider yourself warned.

The Cartoon Network has got SAMURAI JACK and JUSTICE LEAGUE, starting at 9 p.m.

There's two hours of THE SHIELD starting at 10 p.m. on FX.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5

Cloning might reunite Fry and his dog, but not if Bender can help it in this repeat of FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.).

Peggy and Dale open a combo book and gun store in tonight's all-new KING OF THE HILL (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). Ahhh, two great tastes that taste great together books and guns.

The Simpsons are going to Orlando in tonight's all-new THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.). They'll probably discover a boy band while they're there.

UPN is giving you a second chance to check out Wednesday's ENTERPRISE at 8 p.m.

The sisters battle a demon who hunts down and mummifies witches in tonight's CHARMED (WB, 8 p.m.).

The sixth and final season of the prison drama OZ begins tonight at 9 p.m. on HBO.

Sydney and Dixon search for a kidnapped Marshall in tonight's all-new ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.).

Francis poses nude for an art class in tonight's all-new MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 9 p.m.).

It was bound to happen sometime. Yep, Conan O'Brien guest stars in tonight's all-new ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE (Fox, 9:30 p.m.).

Don't forget to check out tonight's all-new BOOMTOWN (NBC, 10 p.m.). One of the best shows on network TV.

The Cartoon Network's ADULT SWIM begins at 10 p.m.

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.