Based on Actual Television Shows
Greetings Cinescapers! Well ABC has announced its new fall lineup and more then a few readers have noted their concern that ALIAS. I thought it was going under the alias WIFE SWAP, but I was wrong.
However, don't worry ALIAS fans, the show will be returning come January. In the meantime you can curb you ALIAS fix by grabbing the DVD sets and if you're a real junky gelling to DAREDEVIL (ugh), CATCH ME IF YOU CAN and 13 GOING ON 30. (Heck, rent that last one and maybe we'll get 13 GOING ON 32.)
In the epic battle to save humanity Dean Martin crushed Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster. "Ripping its wings off and using its claws as toothpicks," according to one unnamable reader.
I guess this means that Dino is unbeatable, but before we retire his title, how about one more fight!
Dean Martin vs. Jerry Lewis' alter ego Buddy Love.
This one's to the death.
So what do you say? Wadda ya say?
Tell me at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.
The reruns are starting up again, I've listed a few below.
And Aaron Thall has contributed again this week, see if you can find his bit.
MONDAY, MAY 24
GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE 2 (8 pm, DISN) Tarzan satire returns without previous lead. Character transformation is attributed to Dr. Who-like regeneration process, turns out George is a time lord.
THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS (8 pm, NIK) Timmy wishes himself small so he can have an "adventure" with his inanimate doll. (Repeat)
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A porn star is murdered and the evidence points to a sex offender. Makes sense.
LETHAL WEAPON 2 (10 pm TBS) The best in the series and the only one with diplomatic immunity.
TUESDAY, MAY 25
WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (8 pm, AMC) An eccentric candy manufacturer brutally murders rude little children who only wanted to see how candy was made. Turns out it's made of
24 (9 pm, FOX) "12 pm 1 pm" Tony's failed to protect national security so he must die. Season finale!
THE KID (10 pm, TCM) The tramp (Charles Chaplin) adopts an abandoned baby, exploiting, in full, the child's criminal potential.
THE SHIELD (10 pm, FX) Vic's team gets involved in a hostile struggle. This time Ninja's are inexplicably involved.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 26
SCOOBY-DOO AND THE CYBER CHASE (7 pm, TOON) The gang has a TRON like adventure where they're thrust into a video game.
ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE (8 pm, WB) Jim Carrey's first big star vehicle is disarmingly unfunny. A sequel and a cartoon series soon followed with similar stone
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) Archer risks his life to disarm the Xindi superweapon. Since the show's been renewed, who wants to bet he succeeds? Season finale!
PSYCHO (10:15 pm, TCM) According to some unnecessary list, this film has the best cinematic death. Check the local hospital for the least cinematic death.
THURSDAY, MAY 27
JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) God asks Joan to lead the school bully on. Brutal old testament stuff this week. (Repeat)
BOA VS. PYTHON (8 pm, SCIFI) A giant murderous snake meets its match in another giant murderous snake. Next week DUNG BEETLE VS. BEATLE RINGO STARR.
ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST (8 pm, AMC) Intense stylized western from Sergio Leone may be his most brilliant piece of hyper pastiche. But who cares, dig those crazy gun battles man.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A juror is murdered, leaving 11 angry suspects. (Repeat)
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) When a camera is discovered covered in blood the team look for a missing photographer, something they didn't think of doing during the eight-and-a-half months he had been inexplicably missing prior to this. (Repeat)
FRIDAY, MAY 28
REPLI-KATE (8 pm, UPN) A beautiful reporter is cloned, I assume her name is Kate. A new low
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (8 pm, USA) Indiana Jones bumbles through an adventure, constantly being one upped by the bad guy, until heaven itself has to intervene.
SABOTEUR (10 pm, TCM) Devilish anti-American agents cause dullard Robert Cummings to go on the lam, where he winds up wooing Priscilla Lane and saving the world, the western world, well at least the American part.
STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) 1) The Vice President wants control of the Stargate program, but everybody knows Vice Presidents are good for nothing. Instead the VP is given control of cleaning the men's urinals. 2) The Prometheus crew disappears, much to the shock of Maj. Carter. (Repeats)
SATURDAY, MAY 29
INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (8 pm, USA) By the second entry the series already is showing signs of strain, marked, in part, by the inclusion of a juvenile sidekick and a weak female lead.
NAVY SEALS (8 pm, AMC) An American Movie Classic.
DAZED AND CONFUSED (8 pm, OXYGEN) A slice of life comedy involving the exploits of 70s teens during the last day of High School. A favorite of stoners.
INUYASHA (11 pm, Toon)- "Inuyasha must face a fatgardening demon without his powers. Of course, being Inuyasha, his idea of a green thumb is planting a sweet punch to the bulbs..." (-Aaron Thall)
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30, NBC) Ben Affleck hosts and some N.E.R.D.s perform. (Repeat)
SUNDAY, MAY 30
DINOCROC (7 pm, SCIFI) Yep,
INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (8 pm, USA) The Jones saga reaches its nadir when his poppy shows up. Terrible effects close out this limp adventure.
TOMORROW NEVER DIES (9 pm, CBS) Bond returns and this time some crazy tycoon is trying to destroy the world.
And that's a wrap. I guess I don't have to tell you ENTERPRISE fans out there that the show has been renewed, so there's some good news for you.
In the meantime I leave you with this question posed by Aaron Thall: "What is the worst show on TV?"
Do you dare answer?
If you do dare, tell me at Tvwasteland@cinescape.com.