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Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Anime
By His Lordship Chaos
Pan-dimensional mallets are easy to wield despite their ridiculously large size.
There is no such thing as overkill. Period.
Rampant lesbianism needs no excuse. (hey, it's the truth!)
No one ever finds it strange if you can spontaneously change genders. This kind of thing happens more often than you think.
The more maniacal the character, the more freaky the laugh they have. (case in point: Dilandau, Naga, Jinnai)
Parallel worlds are everywhere; you just need the right trans-dimensional portal to find them first.
No matter how many times it gets wasted, no matter how badly it's annihilated beyond belief, even if all that remains is a 100 foot crater in the earth, Tokyo will be able to rebuilt itself into a massive techno-advanced megalopolis in under 20 years.
Everyone you know has a psychic power but you. That, or you're the most powerful one of them all.
The seemingly innocent and ditzy girl next door is no doubt a magical girl who dons some kind of dumb get-up and goes around fighting for love and justice (apparently that's a matter of principle for magical girls).
You can never have too many guns. Likewise, you can never have too many bullets. It's always nice to empty a couple thousand rounds of ammo into something and never have to change a clip! ^-^
If you're under 17, you can pilot the mecha of your choice. In fact, you're obligated to pilot it.
Anything robotic (especially Boomers) will at one time or another go berserk and run amok across the city. This is where unlimited ammo comes in handy.
Naughty tentacles are a fact of life. Deal with it.
All guys falls into 3 categories: they're either fragile and sensitive, lecherous morons, or sassy and smart.
If the situation looks bad, simply jump to an eyecatch. That'll give you more time to think up an ingenious plot device to escape and save the day.
Trained soldiers working for the villains still can't aim. However, if you're an inanimate piece of scenery, you're doomed. I guess some things never change.
Your sword can *never* be too big. Just look at Clamp's characters.
It's not the size of your flying battleship that counts. It's how you use it.
All girls fall into 3 categories: either they're innocent & demure, likeable airheads, or the kind who'll viciously kick your butt on a whim.
The more a girl likes you, the more violent she gets. If she's fallen in love with you, then you're as good as in a body cast.
When it comes to a romantic twist, it's always the guy who finds himself with numerous female contenders to be his girlfriend. The girl, on the other hand, is just being indecisive about 2 guys.
Never be the one with the pure heart; they're always the first to be sacrificed. (thanx to Greenbeans for this one)
No matter who you are, where you are, your son or daughter from the future will inevitably appear.
Being killed never stops you from being a reoccurring character. Hey, sometimes it's the starting point for the plot.
If she's a babe, and she's in battle armour, she can kick your butt no matter how powerful you think you are.
You must have a disgustingly kawaii mascot to accompany your adventures. It's the law. Deal with it. (and might I recommend a good Gumbo recipe I know....)
Hair that sticks out all over your head like an overcaffinated porcupine needs no excuse. Just look at Dragon Ball. But just make sure to use enough gel--otherwise it'll sag.
Never send a man to do the job a 10 year-old boy genius can do just as good, if not better. Maybe it's the Wheaties....
Armageddon is just an episode away. And everybody seems to be involved with the conspiracy no matter who they are.
Idol singers are everywhere. They're even worse than Santa Claus. The largest infestations are in places with a high robot or mecha count.
The villains you're up against are almost always dressed in some of the weirdest clothes. You have to wonder if they dress in such dumb outfits just so that they can implement their plans while the hero's killing themselves on the floor laughing.
As a magical girl, you must always have some really long spiel that includes fighting for love and justice. It also has to be as long as your transformation scene. And don't worry; during both the speech and the transformation, the villain will never even consider attacking you, lest he violate his contract. Guys, if you see a nekkid girl your nose will bleed no matter how hard you try to stop it. The more exposed skin, the larger the fountain spray.
The older you get, the more perverted you are.
Girls, if you're fighting evil forces your boyfriend will wind up getting captured and becoming your enemy. That, or he'll get possessed by a demon. Either or.
Naughty, naughty megalomaniac! Trying to take over the world with outlandishly insane plot devices or mechanical gimmicks never solved anything! Just shoot the hero; it's more effective, but unfortunately usually goes against the whole "Hero/Villain" contract.
Dragu Slave never hurt anyone...that much.
The Tokyo police forces (i.e. AD Police) can't do jack-all no matter how hard they're trained or how well they're equipped. The top-secret special forces units, however, will do the job perfectly and still be home in time to see themselves on the evening news.
No matter where you are, if you're the hero fighting evil, then a television or radio broadcast will suddenly announce a news story that directly affects the plot device you find yourself in today. That, or you'll meet your enemy's latest victim. You'd think the hero would clue in that every new friend they make winds getting attacked.
Don't panic when a kawaii animal mascot starts talking to you. It just means you're about to starting fighting for love and justice while sporting a really lame get-up and making hideously clichéd speeches. Hmm...then again maybe you should panic.
The Gainax Bounce must be in effect for at least one girl in your adventures. This allows for the other women to obsess about their breast size (i.e. Tita's are too small, Naga's are too big).
No, that's not the Eiffel Tower, you moron! We're in Japan, and that's the Tokyo Tower...and for some reason it's the central vortex for deciding the fate of the world no matter what you do. On the plus side, they have a nice gift shop.
As a part of your contract, when you're overexcited, you launch into super deformed mode and dance at wildly high speeds around the room. Remarkably you never seem to hit anything.
Either you're the best cook ever (i.e. Kino Makoto), or you can't cook to save the world (i.e. Tendo Akane). There are no in-betweens. There never were.
Even if they are more than capable of defeating you, the villain will send an obviously inept monster o' the day to attack you. Then they conveniently leave so you can kick the monster o' the day's butt in privacy. And the villains wonder why they've never been able to defeat you?
When you run out of ideas, consult the manga your show was based on. That should give you some options to try out.
If you're charged with the task of protecting the world from utter and absolute destruction, you must react in one of two ways: openly embrace it and ask what weapons you get to use to kick someone's butt with, or else whine and complain and annoy your fellow allies to the point of where they just want to slap you silly with a herring.
If you're a magical girl, your classmates will be absolutely clueless that you're the alter-ego of the heroine they admire--no matter how incredibly obvious your hairstyle is. Are they just blind?!
The average human carries about 5.5 liters of blood inside them. Your token Anime character holds over 16 liters of blood. And for some reason, it can only be splattered all over the place if there are flying body parts to accompany it.
No matter how good a character you are, no matter how great your Anime is, someone out there will write a hideously bad fanfic about you. And it will hurt. A lot.