Greetings Cinescapers! I can't tell you how happy I am this week, for I have been listening to nothing but Lotte Lenya! Why just the other day I went out for a stroll and was almost hit by a bus. The driver had been honking his horn wildly while I danced in the busy intersection to Lenya's glorious rendition of "Green Up Time." Then after swerving into a batch of pedestrian joggers in order to spare my life, the driver let loose on me with a barrage of swear words that would have had me in tears if I hadn't been listening to Lotte's glorious rendition of the "Saga of Jenny." When the police came and handcuffed me I would have fallen on their mercy had not Lotte's rendition of "Lonely House" been cascading into my ears from my Audiophase disc-man. When in the bowels of my prison cell, my roommate decided to explore the bowels of... well, never mind, let's just say OZ knows a thing or two about prison. When that was happening I would have become a shattered man, had not I been listening to Lotte singing "So What?"
Yes, God love Lotte Lenya - she's more than just an actress best known as a Bond villain, she is Kurt Weill's widow and a mean singer. Do yourself a favor and pick up LENYA SINGS WEILL: THE AMERICAN THEATRE SONGS and LOTTE LENYA SINGS KURT WEILL'S DIE SIEBEN TODSUNDEN & BERLIN THEATRE SONGS. (I swear there's a humdinger version of "Moritat vom Mackie Messer" on that puppy and who can't sing along to "Faulheit," "Stolz," "Zorn," "Vollerei," "Unzucht," "Habsucht," and of course, "Neid"?) Heck, why not go for broke and get the Telefunken re-issue of DIE DREIGROSCHENOPER! You've never lived till you've heard Lenya sing an abridged version of "Seerauberjenny." Plus the disc features Curt Bois singing the all time favorite "Guck doch nicht immer nach dem Tangogeiger hin."
Well, enough about Lotte Lenya. TV looks pretty grim this week with all the re-runs. So why not go outside and enjoy some of this wonderful summer weather?!
I, on the other hand, will be calling my video store, which delivers, because I'll have none of that exercise crap.
(Have anything you'd like to vent? I'm lonely, so please send it to me at email@example.com.)
MONDAY, MAY 26
STARGATE SG-1 (7 pm, SCI-FI) 1) A planet about to be mined is protected by a Spirit. No, not the animated horse. 2) When a weather device is being returned the team uncovers a secret government plan to convince people that it'll rain on all three-day weekends 3) O'Neill gains the knowledge of the creators of Stargate, uses it to open palmistry booth. 4) Team sucked into black hole. [Insert crude joke here.] (Repeats)
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) Spongebob, always quick to drop a Beatles reference, "gets by with a little help from my friends." Why he would trust my friends is beyond me; they hate him. (Spongebob, oh dear Spongebob, why don't you ever listen?) (Repeat)
THE HORSE WHISPERER (8 pm, ABC) Lord wishes it would have spoken up, cause this film is
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) In a special "should we feel bad" episode of CSI: MIAMI, a burglar/rapist is found murdered and sexually assaulted in his home. Episode title, "Forced Entry," reads like a bad joke. (Repeat)
TUESDAY, MAY 27
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (8 pm, UPN) Sunnydale High reopens, but the series doesn't. (Repeat)
DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO (8 pm, FOX) Is this what we can expect when 24 isn't on? Burn in hell Fox.
YOUNG GUNS (8 pm, AMC) Really American Movie Classics, YOUNG GUNS?! How exactly does that enter "classic" status? Change your name to American Movie Crap, or rethink your programming.
SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Clark has to save his telepathic friend from a doctor who wants a lot of spoons bent. (Repeat)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN)
FUNNY FLUBS & SCREW-UPS XII (8 pm, CBS) Mark your calendars, for today the laughter dies.
FAME (8 pm, ABC) Another reality show focused around competing talent, but this one is different! This one features teen favorite Debbie Allen! Nobody's more hardcore then Debbie Allen! "Debbie Allen will live forever/Debbie Allen learned how to fly!"
THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1) Guy avoids other guy's plight, suffers ironic audience satisfying consequence. 2) Guy brings fantasy women to life, won't teach millions of net surfers secret. (Repeat)
THURSDAY, MAY 29
STUPID BEHAVIOR CAUGHT ON TAPE (8 pm, FOX) Next week I'll be featured in a clip showing me watching the premier episode of this show.
ALIEN RESURRECTION (8 pm, ABC) I spent the whole film wondering when they'd resurrect Winona Ryder. If only somebody would have thrown her into Saks Fifth Avenue.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9:30 pm, CBS) A dominatrix is connected to two murdered escorts. No, not literally. (Repeat)
GROUNDHOG DAY (8 pm, TBS) I'd watch this if I were not exhibiting exceptionally stupid behavior by watching something else.
FRIDAY, MAY 30
YOU GOT TO SEE THIS! (5:30, FSNY) Well if you say so... PASS!
BASSMASTERS CLASSIC YEARBOOK (5:30 pm, ESPN) If you watch only one episode of BASSMASTERS all year, make it this one - highlighting 1995. Features a rare "catch and keep" moment.
THEY LIVE (6:05 pm, AMC) Now this, this is an American Movie Classic. John Carpenter at his near best, and Rowdy Roddy Piper at his... well, who the hell knows, but he's good here.
LOST & FOUND (8 pm, FOX) David Spade vehicle, avoid at all costs.
SATURDAY, MAY 31
SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (8 pm, WB)
HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS (8 pm, AMC) This is on AMC too damn much. How much of a classic can it be if it doesn't use Roman numerals in the title?
MARTHA INC.: THE STORY OF MARTHA STEWART (9 pm, NBC) With Cybill Shepherd in the lead, film promises to be as boring as the woman who inspired it. Now if you don't mind I'm off to finish my macramé spice holders.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1
FUTURAMA (7 pm, FOX) When attempting to get honey from Space Bees, the gang get Space Dead. (Repeat)
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, Fox) Homer and Lisa take over the nuclear power plant, millions killed. (Repeat)
EVIL NEVER DIES (8 pm, TBS) Apparently Evil is a man who murdered a policeman's wife. As bad as that may be, at least we know it can be localized.
LARRY KING WEEKEND (CNN, 9 pm) This weekend, Larry roams nude through the streets of L.A. wearing nothing but a paper bag on his head. Naw, just kidding, he's got socks on as well. (Repeat)
Well goodnight and God bless. Till next time try and be good Cinescapers, watch all the television you can, listen to your mother, wash behind your ears and if you have a free moment drop a line to firstname.lastname@example.org.
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.