Feb. 25 March 3: The Return of Duchovny

By: Sonia Mansfield
Date: Monday, February 25, 2002

Never say never again.

David Duchovny will reprise his role as Fox Mulder in the two-hour series finale of THE X-FILES on May 19.

Wow, that almost makes me want to watch the show again. Almost.

X-FILES creator Chris Carter promises to wrap up the whole mythology storyline that has been the driving force behind the show for the past nine years. But, in typical X-FILES fashion the details are being kept under such tight wraps that not even the Lone Gunmen could find out what's going to happen.

I don't even remember what the mythology stuff is anymore. It used to involve the possibility of alien life on Earth and a government cover-up. Something already solved in the TV show ALF, if you ask me. Now the mythology plot involves Enron, the ice skating scandal and a dog mauling trial, I think.

Oh people, I only tease THE X-FILES because I love it. The same way I used to hit boys that I like. What am I saying "used to," I still do.

And, speaking of other shows I like to make fun, UPN has signed a deal to bring back WOLF LAKE, which CBS cancelled after only five episodes. Of course, this news came shortly after UPN announced it would be repeating episodes of CBS's THE AMAZING RACE 2 (which I think should be called THE AMAZING RACE TOO, but maybe it's just me that thinks that's funny).

All of this proves my theory that UPN is this close to becoming CBS's little bitch. The network should just change its name to CBS2 (in the grand tradition of CSPAN2) and get it over with.

So, as always, remember to check your local listings. Honestly, I can't do everything for you people.

Monday, February 25

Wesley uncovers

more facts about that prophecy he discovered in which Angel will kill his son in tonight's all-new ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.). Why would Angel kill his son? I mean, I know it's tough to potty train a kid, but come on.

Check out Jonathan Demme's work before he was Mr. Winning Oscars: Watch MARRIED TO THE MOB on Bravo at 8 p.m.

ROMEO MUST DIE (HBO, 8 p.m.). Ummm, well, that seems kinda harsh.

Sexy witches alert! Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman star in PRACTICAL MAGIC (ABC, 9 p.m.).

TUESDAY, February 26

Don't you hate it when your ex-boyfriend comes back to town and tells you he's got some news for you? Well then you know how Buffy feels in tonight's all-new BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.). It seems Riley has come back to Sunnydale. Spike will just love that.

Find out if Julia Louis-Dreyfus can defy the SEINFELD curse that destroyed Jason Alexander and Michael Richards by checking out WATCHING ELLIE (NBC, 8:30 p.m.). I saw the first two episodes. It's pretty good. Interestingly enough the sitcom unfolds in real time, so think of it as a wacky fun 24).

Lex's mansion is burglarized by some thieves who can walk through walls in tonight's all-new SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.). If you could walk through walls would you really waste your time with a little breaking and entering? Fort Knox here I come. Well, after I spend some time rolling around in George Clooney's bed.

Isabel gets hurt, which puts Jesse this close to finding out what she really is in tonight's all-new ROSWELL (UPN, 9 p.m.).

It's noon to 1 p.m. in tonight's all-new 24 (Fox, 9 p.m.), and Teri and Kim are forced to deviate from Jack's plan. Oh well, the family reunion didn't last for long.

Watch James Lipton sing the praises of NIGHT SHIFT when actor-director Ron Howard appears on INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO (Bravo, 10 p.m.).

Wednesday, February 27

The Grammy Awards are on tonight (CBS, 8 p.m.). I only mention it because the super hilarious (and my secret lover) Jon Stewart is hosting.

The crew

of the Enterprise bump into a Vulcan sect that actually has emotions in tonight's all-new ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.). I bet T'Pol gets in on some of that action.

UPN has got a bonus episode of ENTERPRISE for you at 9 p.m., but it's a rerun. It's the one in which Archer invites a bunch of stargazers on the ship to witness a stellar event, not realizing that a Suliban agent is among the guests. Duh.

If you're not watching Denis Leary's THE JOB (ABC, 9:30 p.m.), then you are missing one of the best shows on TV. Tonight's episode involves everyone in the station trying to out each other, but of course, none of them are actually gay. Hilarity ensues. I guarantee it.

But they'll never take our freeeeddddoooommmmm!!! That's all I remember from BRAVEHEART (USA, 8 p.m.). Damn this stupid short attention span. Hey. BRAVEHEART is on tonight. Remember that line "But they'll never take our freedom," oh wait, did I already say that? Damn, this stupid short attention span.

Watch James Lipton tell Will Smith that WILD, WILD WEST was "a really bold choice" when he appears on INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO (Bravo, 10 p.m.).

ThURSDAY, February 28

SURVIVOR 4 begins tonight (CBS, 8 p.m.). (If you're into that sort of thing).

Peter gets a visit from the Grim Reaper in the first of two episodes of THE FAMILY GUY (Fox, 8 p.m. and 8:30 p.m.). Then, Peter gets struck by lightning while playing golf. Shouldn't these episodes be reversed?

Fox is airing KING OF THE HILL tonight at 9 p.m. and I'll tell you what, it's the funniest one I've ever seen. No joke. Bobby takes a women's self-defense course and then proceeds to kick the school bullies in the crotch while yelling "That's my purse!" It's pure comedy gold.

Hey, this is weird. Fox is actually airing an episode of FUTURAMA tonight at 9:30 p.m. Is it my birthday or something? Of course, it's a rerun, but I'll take FUTURAMA anyway I can get it. Tonight's episode is the one in which Amy and Fry start knockin' da space boots.

Grissom and the gang investigate the death of a very unpopular amateur hockey player in tonight's all-new CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 9 p.m.).

FRIDAY, MARCH 1

BATMAN FOREVER (UPN, 8 P.M.)? Well, that seemed a little presumptuous, didn't it?

Turner believes an outside influence was involved in the apparent mass suicide inside a cult town cut off from the world in tonight's STRANGE WORLD (Sci Fi, 8 p.m.).

Tucker, Grace and Wes are assigned to find a swamp monster that's terrorizing a sleepy Long Island town, and learn the beast is in the thrall of an emotionally disturbed master in tonight's THE CHRONICLE (Sci Fi, 9 p.m.).

Fugitives Xev, Kai and Stan are nabbed by a corrupt FBI agent in tonight's LEXX (Sci Fi, 10 p.m.).

It's time to settle the debate once and for all. It's Sigourney Weaver vs. Linda Hamilton in tonight's CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH on MTV at 10 p.m.

Starz! has got the truly awful END OF DAYS at 10 p.m. It almost meant End of Career for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

SATURDAY, MARCH 2

Buffy is horrified when her mom starts dating John Ritter in tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings). Hey, who wouldn't be?

Beka leads the crew on a hike across a strange planet to locate a legendary time-altering device in hopes of restoring the Commonwealth in tonight's GENE RODDENBERRY'S ANDROMEDA (syndicated, check local listings).

Time for some Bond, James Bond - ABC has got DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER at 8 p.m. That might be true, but you know what else is forever? Herpes. Hey, that's just what I heard.

Sci Fi is all about He-Man tonight with MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE at 8 p.m. You know what? It's not as good as the cartoon.

Funniest movie ever alert! THE NAKED GUN in on Comedy Central at 8 p.m. 'Nuff said.

SUNDAY, MARCH 3

SIX FEET

UNDER starts its second season tonight at 9 p.m. Trust me, this show is yet another reason to pay the extra bucks to get HBO.

Showtime kicks off a new series tonight called JEREMIAH at 8 p.m. starring 90210 refugee Luke Perry and ex-Cosby kid Malcolm-Jamal Warner as a couple of dudes hanging out in a post apocalyptic world.

Kif tries to impress Amy's parents by going after those who rustled away their livestock on Mars in tonight's FUTURAMA at 7 p.m. on Fox. Geez, my old boyfriends wouldn't even have dinner with my folks.

Jeff Goldblum plays a conman who offers Peggy an at-home doctorate course, which she finances with the Hills' retirement fund in tonight's KING OF THE HILL at 7:30 p.m. on Fox.

Watch ladies! Mr. Burns is on the prowl in tonight's THE SIMPSONS at 8 p.m. on Fox.

The arrival of Francis' new bride on Hal's birthday sparks a fray that drives the younger siblings out - and into a posh hotel in tonight's MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE at 8:30 p.m. on Fox.

The spacecraft Scully once investigated in Africa figures into tonight's episode of THE X-FILES (Fox, 9 p.m.). The countdown to Mulder's return begins.

Sydney must break into her boss' vault to steal some valuable info for the CIA, but like everything she does, it won't be easy in tonight's ALIAS at 9 p.m. on ABC.

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.