Question? Advice? Feedback?

[Asonokirk V 2.0]

Some years ago I recovered from a serious drug problem. I spent probably 15 years of my life pursuing drugs/using drugs/and eventually stealing for drugs. It took a few years after I was arrested and was in and out of jail a few times before the lesson took.

I finally understood reality and how, why and what for, to live it. It is something non-addicts take for granted, but I was self-destructive by inclination and didn't grasp the concept what I was doing was not in my, or anyone else's, best interests.

Long story short, I learned how to live.

Now, given my experience I thought I could help a friend who is an addict who has not learned what I have.

He lives in a trailer with his mom, is 48 years old, has an ex-wife and grown son who he never sees. Does not have a job, smokes pot and drinks continually. He refuses to give up pot to get a job, and his mother tolerates this to a point.

Any ideas? He just won't listen to me, and his mom is more or less his enabler.

[Trazalca]

People take things for different reasons.
Sometimes it's just for the buzz, content to do nothing more than that.
They don't care about their lives, truly believing nothing will come of it.
Sometimes it's out of boredom with nothing else better to do.
They're not hurting anyone, so why should they care but doing
whatever feels good to them. It's an addiction after all.
Other times, it's to bury something inside themselves.
Something they desperately want to forget.
Maybe something shameful. Painful. A deep regret
their self-esteem would never allow admittance in public,
let alone to anyone they know personally.
Different reasons to go down the same road.
Sometimes it's simple. Or it can be a lot more complex.
But to know the truth, patience is key.
However, that doesn't always work when you have someone
you care about that may wind up killing themselves at any given moment.
From my own personal POV, it's something to pray about.
I have a brother in law that's an alcoholic, and the family has
tried everything, including rehab and jail.
He's keeping something to himself he won't confess yet.
And my feeling is, until he does, he will die.
I have no answers.
But I will say that, the moment you give up on someone,
you help give license for that somebody to give up on himself.
So don't give up. Keep trying to help.
The road to recovery was a long hard one for you.
It will be no different for him.

[Asonokirk V 2.0]

Good words, Traz, good words.

[kah]

Unfortunately, from both my own experience, and of many of my friends, there's not a lot you can do, besides be his friend. He's got a long way to go before he hits "rock bottom". You've probably heard that before, but it really is the defining moment for an addict. Your friend still has a place to live, food on the table, and apparently, money for drugs, so I would have to say that his defining moment is a long way off. Sadly, the only thing you can do is watch his life go down the shitter, until he decides he's had enough. An addict has to make the decision that they're tired of being stoned, and hungry, and cold, before any steps can be taken to start rectifying the situation. And that is the time you need to be there, because when an addict decides to clean up his/her life, that is when they seem to have the least friends. Everyone goes AWOL, either because they can't handle the mess, or they don't want to lose their smoking/drinking/shooting partner. Addicts like to hang with other addicts. It makes them feel better about themselves when no one is doing anything greater than they are. Being the sober friend, driving your friend to rehab, AA meetings, pulling his head out of the toilet, and taking his soiled clothes to the laundromat, is a lot more than most people can handle.

My only advice at this point, is to tell your friend that you care, and you want better for him. The rest is going to be a waiting game. If his mother is his crutch, then maybe you need to help get him out of that house. Give him a reason to earn the rent, and spend money on something other than drugs and alcohol. I am NOT saying move him in with you. I'm just saying, maybe bring him the classifieds, folded open to the ads for cheap apartments.

Have patience, my friend. He's got 48 years built into his current lifestyle. It's going to take a long time to break away from it, if he ever comes to the realization that he is wasting his life. He may never get there, and as his friend, you need to accept that. Or, you need to stop being his friend, if you can't. It is not up to you to change his life. It is up to him.

[Asonokirk V 2.0]

I'm at that "I know exactly what he's thinking and where he's at" stage, coupled with the knowledge of why that kind of thinking and behavior is pointless and stupid. If he wasn't a good guy, with a good heart, I wouldn't care, but he is. I'll just lead by example and be there if he needs me.

[kah]

I'm at that "I know exactly what he's thinking and where he's at" stage, coupled with the knowledge of why that kind of thinking and behavior is pointless and stupid. If he wasn't a good guy, with a good heart, I wouldn't care, but he is. I'll just lead by example and be there if he needs me.

That's the best thing you can do. Just be who you are- someone who beat the disease. Seeing what you've done with your life may just help him realize that he wants more out of his. I wish you the best of luck.

[fastcar]

Just tell Ricky Williams to put the pipe down!



Seriously, I've dealt with addictive personalities. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever. It's never going to be enough until they say it is. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes collateral damage to get the message across.

Addicts can do everything to cut themselves off from people, but inadvertently they still tend to hurt people around them. You, obviously, had that moment of clarity. It stuck. You made the choice. This person has not. They will not until they have nothing left to lose. It sucks that it may come to that point.

I learned a hard lesson that way. I tried to take the addict out of the situation, gave them all the support they needed, kept them away from the vice, and it didn't matter. They still went down that path. They find a way. You can't hide the liquor from an alcoholic. They have to be able to walk into a bar and not take that drink.

I lost the first love of my life that way. I guess she's better now, but the path of destruction it took to get there was massive and there are some scars that will never fade away.