A Funny Joke

[Asonokirk V 2.0]

I read this in Time Magazine in the doctor's office today:

"Scientists have discovered a fossil that dates back 350 million years, and is the oldest fossil ever uncovered. It is of a fish that had a neck that could swivel like the neck of a mammal, and is believed to be an example of how life on land emerged from the sea. Disturbingly, it was found in a Red Lobster deep fried seafood platter."

:)

[southpaw]

A man picks up a $5 hooker, takes her home and has sex with her.....the next day he finds that the hooker has given him crabs. The man goes back to the corner where he picked the hooker up to complain, the hooker says "what did you expect for $5....LOBSTER?

[fastcar]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?


















Because 7 8 9!

[Trazalca]

What were Tarzan's last words?





























Who greased the vine!











:o :rolleyes: :dunno:

[Bill_the_Pony]

What Kind of Bees give Milk? :)















:dunno:
























BOO-bees! :D




:rolleyes:

[fastcar]

The following is a question given on a mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will never leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa, (Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian) during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!!!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[kah]

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot".

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you".


Btw- loved yours, fastcar:D

[TrixieB]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender.




The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks
him,


"What's your IQ?"







The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make
conversation
about


global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituallity,
biomimicry,


environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology,
and
sexual


proclivities.






The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides


to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes
back in


for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectlty
prepared
drink


and asks him, "What's your IQ?"







The man responds, "about a 100."





Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR,


baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's
breasts.








Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot
one


more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and
asks,
"What's


your IQ?"







The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."









And the robot says... real slowly,




"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

[fastcar]

Because I work in an office environment and my Mother In Law works in Human Resources, I found this very funny.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human
Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not
really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping
out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was
a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -
fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in
evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both
cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round
of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a
good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook
her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now
you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and
all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and said...
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee."

[omicron]

I usually lurk around Fark and there's always some great comments, but I think I found the best one I've ever seen today.

In a thread talking about boeing and airbus planes, there was this one particularly over-zealous defender of Boeing.

This is what he posted:
I am the Jesus Christ of aviation. I am here to spread the gospel of Boeing...Airbus is Satan of Planes.
Someone responded with what has to be one of the best responses ever.
"Good afternoon and welcome aboard. My name is Captain Pontius, and I'll be your Pilate for today's flight..."
I swear, I almost fell out of my seat. :lol:

Omi

[Minion]

A baby seal walks into a club.

Minion: Hateful Hump

[Jakester]

A guy and a duck walk into a bar.
"Ouch!"
"Quack!"

[Sgt. Awesome]

At work we validate parking, come see a movie get free parking.

So a woman walks up to me and hands me her parking, I validate it. I turn away, she says, "There's one more." Her daughter, about 6 or 7 hands me a second parking pass, I validate it and say, "Arn't you a little young to drive?" The kid takes it back and walks away. Her mom says, "I thought it was funny." My responce, "I guess the joke was a little over her head." (I'm 6'2")

It actually happened, here's a real joke...




A man from the country has just arrived in the city and is looking for something to drink. He walks into a bar located in the first floor of a big building. He goes up to the bartender and orders a drink. A man beside him, who clearly has had three or four to many, says, "Thish 'ere plase! Safihst in th' worlld, I'lls show ya'" The country man is a little confused but follows the drunk into an elevator.


They reach the top of the building. The drunk says, "'ere, I'lls show ya" and procedes to jump off the edge.

8
7
6
5
4

The drunk is sucked into the fourth story window, get back in the elevator, and goes back to the roof. The country man is amazed, but doesn't really believe him. He gets him to try it again from the other side. So the drunk jumps.

8
7
6
5
4

And gets sucked around the building and in through the same window. Now the country man knows it's safe so he decides to try it. He goes up to the edge and jumps.

8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
Splat

The drunk chuckles to himself and heads back to the bar. The bartender notices that the drunk came back alone, looks out the front window and sees the country man plastered to the sidewalk. He turns to the drunk and says

"Superman, you are a mean drunk"

[kah]

A new law was recently passed in Mississippi:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

[kah]

American History

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response, except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted.

[kah]

NOTICE: Classes for men at our local learning center for adults will be starting soon. Sign-up by August 30th.

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays. Step-by-step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow On The Holders? Round table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat Up And Avoiding The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning To Live: Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors!

[Bill_the_Pony]

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?





















:dunno:





















Answer: "I LAVA YOU!"

http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif

[Bill_the_Pony]

http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif


http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif


http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif


http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif

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http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/rofl.gif

[Bill_the_Pony]

http://www.excelsiornews.com/xboard/images/smiles/icon_confused.gif

[rappites]

Once upon a time, a woman asked a man, "Will you marry me?"

The man said "No" and the woman lived happily ever after and went
shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

[rappites]

Circle of Life Reform

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first,
start out dead and get it out of the way; then you wake up
in an old-age-home and feel better every day. You get kicked
out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when
you start working you get a gold watch on your first day. You
work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and
you get ready for high school. You go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities and you
become a baby. Then, you spend your last 9 months floating
peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service
on tap, larger quarter's everyday, and finally you finish off as
an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[neglet]

Purina Diet

I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[KingVoyeur]

Why shouldn't mathematicians drink?


































Cause it's dangerous for them to drink and derive.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[neglet]

What happened to the constipated mathematician?






















He had to work it out with a pencil.

:eek: :eek: :eek:

[rappites]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait. "

At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak ."

[TrixieB]

An Indian walks into a Cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want Coffee."


The waiter says, "Sure, chief. Coming right up. He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee right down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then walks out.


The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee."


The waiter says, "Whoa Tonto! We're still cleaning up the mess from yesterday. What was that all about anyway?"


The Indian smiles and proudly says: "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull. Leave mess for others to clean up. Disappear for rest of day."

[Metuzalem]

Two weasels are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and slurs "I fucked your momma!", silence fills the bar. The other weasel tries to ignore his drunken compadre but he won't let it go, "Didn't you hear me? I said I fucked your momma!", the second weasel turns around and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."

[DarkJedi]

lol I heard that one Metu, but it wasn't weasels....like most funny ones, always interchangable. :D

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

[Metuzalem]

Short and sweet:
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tchhhhhhhhhhhh

[Meathead]

A BAD LAST DAY

Heaven is getting full, so in a desperate bid to curb the increase in souls, God and St. Peter decide that you have to have had a REALLY bad day in order to get into Heaven. Armed with this new rule, St. Peter goes back to the Pearly Gates and sees three men lined up.

St. Peter walks over to the men and explains the new rules and tells the men to relate their stories.

The first man steps up and says:
"I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I snuck out of work early to surprise her at home. When I get to my 25th floor condo, sure enough, she's naked and there's her clothes and some guy's clothes all over the place. Well, I can't find the guy anywhere, until I spot these hands on the balcony, and sure enough it's some naked dude.
"Well, I bash his fingers with a frying pan because I'm so pissed he's cuckholding me and he falls 25 storeys into some bushes and doesn't die. I grab up our fridge and toss it down on him, but I had a heart-attack and I died."

"Wow," says St. Peter, "that day really sucked. OK, you can come in. What's your story?" he asks, turning to the second man.

"Well," the second man says, "I was on my 26th floor balcony doing my yoga exercises naked and I was doing a balance exercise on the railing and I slipped. I managed to catch the 25th floor balcony below me and was trying to pull myself back up, but all of a sudden this crazed ******* runs out on the balcony and bashes my hands with a frying pan.
"Naturally, I let go, but luckily, some bushes broke my fall 25 storeys down. next thin I know, the guy tossed a fridge on me and I died."

"That's almost as bad as the firt guy's day...OK, you can come in." Finally, he turns to the third man and asks, "So, how was your day?"

"You're never going to believe this," the third man says, "But I'm hiding naked in this fridge..."

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TELLING AND DOING

Lining up for the Pearly Gates, a priest realises that the cab driver that ran him over is right in front of him. A little confused by his presence there (after all, the cabbie did kill the priest) the priest waits to see what's going to happen to the cabbie at the Pearly Gates. Much to the priest's shock, the cabbie is presented with the keys to a 24K gold Roll Royce, a 24K 100+ room mansion, and a golden purse that never empties.

"Dang," thought the priest...if he gets all of that and he's only a cabbie, I'm gonna be SET!"

The priest presents himself to St. Peter and is shocked to be presented with a wooden scooter, a wooden house and a purse of wooden nickels. He turns to St. Peter and asks, "Hey, I'm a man of God! How is it that a lowly cabbie gets gold everything and I get this crap?"

"Well," says St. Peter, "while you exhorted your flock to pray, that cabbie made them pray!"


How do Scotsmen go on vacation?
































Switch pubs!

[TrixieB]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after
her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her the
same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On
the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like
a shot". This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to
catch her, but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and
wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has
lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the
door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

[Nostromo]

I don't tell jokes very well. How about a riddle.

Why is a person in love like a welder?

Give it you best shot or tune in tomorrow for the answer. Same Bat time ... Same Bat channel. :D N

[Bark]

I don't tell jokes very well. How about a riddle.

Why is a person in love like a welder?

Give it you best shot or tune in tomorrow for the answer. Same Bat time ... Same Bat channel. :D N

Because they both carry a torch! :D

[Nostromo]

Because they both carry a torch! :D


You rock Bark! Just like Frank Gorshin. :) N

[Bark]

Go ahead and state the obvious . . . one . . . more . . . time! Haha. :D

[Metuzalem]

Shall we go somewhere more controversial?

What's got 6 legs and two heads?







































Nirvana.

[sickness]

Jezus, Met, that one was so sick and crass that I actually laughed!

Sue me! I hadn't heard it in a while.

[sickness]

Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.

He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld , "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[Trazalca]

Just click here ya redneck. (http://nynerd.com/you-might-be-a-redneck-if/) :smirk:

[rappites]

Just click here ya redneck. (http://nynerd.com/you-might-be-a-redneck-if/) :smirk:


What is so funny? I can relate to half of those pictures. :D Especially the twinkie weeding cake. I had one of those for a birthday.

*thinks to self that she is a redneck. I want one of those bathing suits*

[Al-Dog]

I hope that there will not be any Christian rioting. :wink:

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.
When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

[Bark]

Dear Lord.

[KingVoyeur]

It's the same reason Jesus can't eat skittles and M&M's. They keep falling through the holes!