Well, it took a really long time, but I did it. I read the entire internet. [Archive] - Mania Forums - Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror Entertainment

SlamShut

08-06-2006, 07:14 PM

Duh. It was Al Gore's homepage.

After that, the IMDb was created, and the first movie listed on it was "Robojox." Then that movie's forum was created, and the first entry on that board was from "Robojoxfan983." The entry said "This movie sucks."

Next question?

Lavoruis

08-06-2006, 07:27 PM

SlamShut

08-06-2006, 07:29 PM

THAT'S NOT A QUESTION, YOU STUPID FUCKSTICK.

And your screenname sounds like a brand of mouthwash one would find at the dollar store.

Next question?

Lavoruis

08-06-2006, 07:35 PM

THAT'S NOT A QUESTION, YOU STUPID FUCKSTICK.

And your screenname sounds like a brand of mouthwash one would find at the dollar store.

Next question?
You're just jealous:D besides I hope you sleep good
why you ask ?because I having you deported while you are sleeping in carbed.
Yes, I turned you in for having fake green card amigo.:D

Asonokirk V 2.0

08-06-2006, 09:10 PM

And I memorized it.

So I know where everything is, and I know every last fucking thing in the world at this point.

Questions?

How many fingers am I holding up?

:)

Bill_the_Pony

08-06-2006, 09:55 PM

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j10/crackedcrockpot/david2.jpg

Is this the Blue Steel or Magnum stare? :(

Bark

08-07-2006, 04:34 AM

What's the genesis of Box of Mr. T Cereal answering questions?

Bill_the_Pony

08-07-2006, 06:02 AM

http://content.cpxinteractive.com/331/116230/a378c19a14fc62928392ef8c5961e0cf.gif

Does Cinescape really need to feature ads like this? :rolleyes:

Jakester

08-07-2006, 06:28 AM

Were you not paying attention when I called Lavoirus "Mouthwash Man" a few months back?

kah

08-07-2006, 06:37 AM

Will Jake's dreams come true?

Bill_the_Pony

08-07-2006, 07:05 AM

What about Naomi? :(

sickness

08-07-2006, 07:11 AM

Which spells "I moan" backwards.

Bill_the_Pony

08-07-2006, 07:14 AM

What are you moaning about. :)

Al-Dog

08-07-2006, 07:17 AM

Did you see my web page? I hope you liked it.

Anyway,I'm redoing it, so you'll have you’ll have go back and look at it again. :D

neglet

08-07-2006, 07:39 AM

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y116/neglet/hassel.jpg

southpaw

08-07-2006, 07:50 AM

rappites

08-07-2006, 07:53 AM

Is the truth out there?

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:04 AM

How many fingers am I holding up?

:)

Fifteen.

Seriously, man, if you keep mutilating drifters, the cops are eventually going to catch up with you.

And that sex dungeon in your basement isn't a real swift idea, either.

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:16 AM

Is this the Blue Steel or Magnum stare? :(

Neither. The origin of this particular camera-cracking look lies shrouded in the mists of time, in the early 1980s. On the balmy morning of April 17th, 1981, the Hoff was taking a breakfast meeting with Steven Spielberg, who was discussing an upcoming project. "It's a movie about a boy who takes off his shirt and sits in a closet with an alien," said Spielberg. "But not just any alien-- I want this one to look like it's sculpted out of a vegetarian's shit. And it also looks like a turtle's penis."

"Stunning!" cried the Hoff. "I will play this shirtless lad who consorts with a horrifying reptile-penis-dung-gnome in a homoerotic manner!" With this said, he tore open his shirt, and fixed Spielberg with a steely glare.

"Nah," said Spielberg. "You look like a homo. Won't play in the sticks."

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:17 AM

What's the genesis of Box of Mr. T Cereal answering questions?

Booze. And inhaled furniture polish.

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:25 AM

http://content.cpxinteractive.com/331/116230/a378c19a14fc62928392ef8c5961e0cf.gif

Does Cinescape really need to feature ads like this? :rolleyes:

There are plans already underway to feature that advertisement at the top and bottom of every webpage on the internet, and fifty times in between. The internet will be brought to a halt until this question is answered. After that, the next question to be shotgunned at internet surfers until resolution is achieved is: "Dude, just how gay is Lance Bass, anyway? He's like, sooooo gay, right? Seriously, that guy's as gay as an afternoon in Paris. And we don't mean Paris Hilton-- who, by the way, is a cum-gargling road whore, and we're like totally not buying this celibacy-pledge bullshit. But Lance Bass-- who didn't see that coming? By the way, if you actually finished reading this advertisement, you are one seriously vapid motherfucker."

A word of warning: this second ad is even larger than the Brandon Routh one, by necessity.

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:27 AM

Were you not paying attention when I called Lavoirus "Mouthwash Man" a few months back?

Small confession: when reading the internet, I just sort of breezed over most of your posts, Jake. The same dick jokes over and over just kind of get stale, you know? Dress 'em up a little, huh?

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:28 AM

Will Jake's dreams come true?

Jake does not dream, or sleep. For eight hours a night, he merely sits in a chair in a corner, staring at a photograph of Carol Channing, crying.

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:30 AM

What about Naomi? :(

What about her? What, I'm supposed to feel bad about leaving her on the side of the road outside Paducah? The sign was on the back of the fucking car when I pulled up. Ass, gas, or grass-- nobody rides for free.

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:31 AM

Did you see my web page? I hope you liked it.

Anyway,I'm redoing it, so you'll have you’ll have go back and look at it again. :D

Fuck you.

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:32 AM

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y116/neglet/hassel.jpg

Why?

I already answered this question. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, Negs. PAY ATTENTION.

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:36 AM

Is the truth out there?

Yes, but if you think I'm just going to tell it to you, after I had to read like a bazillionty-eleven webpages to find it, then you're ripe for disappointment.

Disappointment.

You know-- that little nagging feeling... like the one I get when people just ape slogans from overhyped television programs in an attempt to be witty and urbane. Fuck that shit. Try coming up with your own material for once.

Wait, I'm sorry-- you're new, aren't you? I guess we're supposed to be nice to people like you. Here, have a snickerdoodle and go sit in the fucking corner while the grownups talk.

Jakester

08-07-2006, 08:55 AM

Sorry, I'll put a little ribbon on my weiner next time you come over for a booty call, okay?

Why were you much nicer to rapps than I expected you to be? Has your impending parentood mellowed you?

Correllary: Picked out a name?

SlamShut

08-07-2006, 08:58 AM

The whole thing huh? Well then what is the worst thing you saw on the internet? The one thing that was so devoid of anything good and wholesome that just seeing it takes a small piece of your soul with it, other than JCREW.COM and DISNEY.COM of course....

I can answer this question, but I'm not sure you want me to.

While dragging my nets across the murky floor of the web, I came across this. Keep in mind, I'm the sort who is unfazed by most of the horrors regularly bandied about by web-readers as "too gross for words." I've watched the Unknown Russian Soldier video while enjoying a plate of sloppy nachos. I've gazed at Tubgirl and wondered who did the grouting on her bathroom tiles. I looked at Lemon Party and moved on, thinking only "those fellas look like they're having fun."

But this... this is something different.

This is something which will make you weep for the soul of humanity itself, rocking yourself to sleep at night whimpering "We are cursed, to the last man, we are lost. There can be no future."

This is the only thing on the internet that made me smash my face into my monitor over and over, seeking the mercy of unconsciousness. This was burned onto the inside of my eyeballs, where it played in a mad loop for days, dragging me to the edge of sanity, and hurling me off the precipice in a cackling parody of Apollinaire himself.

[--> This way, madness lies. <--] (http://tinyurl.com/rfxmt)

Trazalca

08-07-2006, 08:59 AM

Will there ever be a website that offers SMELL-O-VISION,
so we can all enjoy the delicious smell of apples?

Trazalca

08-07-2006, 09:02 AM

I can answer this question, but I'm not sure you want me to.

While dragging my nets across the murky floor of the web, I came across this. Keep in mind, I'm the sort who is unfazed by most of the horrors regularly bandied about by web-readers as "too gross for words." I've watched the Unknown Russian Soldier video while enjoying a plate of sloppy nachos. I've gazed at Tubgirl and wondered who did the grouting on her bathroom tiles. I looked at Lemon Party and moved on, thinking only "those fellas look like they're having fun."

But this... this is something different.

This is something which will make you weep for the soul of humanity itself, rocking yourself to sleep at night whimpering "We are cursed, to the last man, we are lost. There can be no future."

This is the only thing on the internet that made me smash my face into my monitor over and over, seeking the mercy of unconsciousness. This was burned onto the inside of my eyeballs, where it played in a mad loop for days, dragging me to the edge of sanity, and hurling me off the precipice in a cackling parody of Apollinaire himself.

[--> This way, madness lies. <--] (http://tinyurl.com/rfxmt)

Btw, is it work safe? Otherwise, it'll have to wait till Wednesday.

rappites

08-07-2006, 09:03 AM

Wait, I'm sorry-- you're new, aren't you? I guess we're supposed to be nice to people like you. Here, have a snickerdoodle and go sit in the fucking corner while the grownups talk.

Can I have a glass of milk too? PLEEAASSEE:wink:

Sgt. Awesome

08-07-2006, 11:22 AM

How many popups did you encounter? Favourite Wikipedia article?

Metuzalem

08-07-2006, 11:47 AM

How much wood could a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could Chuck Norris?

Al-Dog

08-07-2006, 01:01 PM

Fuck you.

I plan to add two more sites in the next week or so . . .

Jakester

08-07-2006, 07:38 PM

Oh Great and Powerful SlamShut, why did I click on that link?! WHY? WHY? WHY?!

Bark

08-08-2006, 05:00 AM

Why do these sheep even bother looking at links you post when even YOU say they are very disturbing? Are they masochists?

kah

08-08-2006, 07:22 AM

Is it cooler to be David Hasslehoff (http://www.dropitlikeitshoff.com/index1.php)or Chuck Norris (http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/index.html)?

SlamShut

08-08-2006, 07:30 AM

Can I have a glass of milk too? PLEEAASSEE:wink:

Yes. But you're going to have to drink it straight from the tap. And it's very thick, and smells like pennies. Wait, that's probably too vague-- here: THE MILK COMES FROM MY PENIS, AND ISN'T ACTUALLY MILK. CHUG MY DICKSNOT, YOU TOPIC DERAILING CHIMP.

KingVoyeur

08-08-2006, 07:35 AM

How many forums did you corrupt? :D

neglet

08-08-2006, 07:37 AM

What was the topic again? Was it "Will impending fatherhood, the result of surprisingly effective dicksnot, mellow Slamshut?"

SlamShut

08-08-2006, 07:48 AM

How many popups did you encounter? Favourite Wikipedia article?

Popups? What the fuck? I don't live in 1997. Christ.

[Favorite Wikipedia article.] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale)

And as long as we're on the subject...

[Favorite IMDb page...] (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0462557/)

[...and favorite Urbandictionary page.] (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=slamshut)

SlamShut

08-08-2006, 07:50 AM

How much wood could a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris jokes? Welcome to 2003. What's next, do all my base belong to you? Don't ever make another Chuck Norris joke in one of my topics. Now fuck off, bandwagon-rider.

SlamShut

08-08-2006, 07:53 AM

Why do these sheep even bother looking at links you post when even YOU say they are very disturbing? Are they masochists?

Oh Great and Powerful SlamShut, why did I click on that link?! WHY? WHY? WHY?!

Because I am the SlamShut... I am this lightning, I am this madness. I point, you click, and the screaming begins.

rappites

08-08-2006, 08:00 AM

Yes. But you're going to have to drink it straight from the tap. And it's very thick, and smells like pennies. Wait, that's probably too vague-- here: THE MILK COMES FROM MY PENIS, AND ISN'T ACTUALLY MILK. CHUG MY DICKSNOT, YOU TOPIC DERAILING CHIMP.

Ummm -- no thanks ---:eek:

There is no telling where your pencil dick has been. Sheep, dogs, cats, hamsters. . .any poor animal that can't defend itself

SlamShut

08-08-2006, 08:05 AM

Is it cooler to be David Hasslehoff (http://www.dropitlikeitshoff.com/index1.php)or Chuck Norris (http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/index.html)?

Look, I'm not going to go into this again. Chuck Norris was funny for approximately 48 seconds, and that was years ago, when Conan was doing that whole "Walker Texas Ranger" bit on his show. Newsflash, webdorks: IT'S OVER.

And while we're on the subject of egregiously overdone web-humor, don't even fucking ask me about "Snakes On A Plane." "Snakes On A Plane" is remarkable only because it will go down in history as the first time a piece of web-flotsam became skull-crushingly overdone and funny-only-to-soccer-moms-and-the-retarded before the event itself has come to fruition. TRANSLATION FOR THOSE THAT DON'T LIKE REEDIN ALL DEM LONG WORDS: "SNAKES ON A PLANE" IS ALREADY OVER. IT'S FUCKING STUPID, AND YOU RUINED IT BEFORE THE FUCKING MOVIE COULD EVEN COME OUT BY FLOODING THE INTERNET WITH IDIOTIC JOKES, THE MAJORITY OF WHICH ARE SIMPLY "HAW HAW! SNAKES ON A [FILL IN BLANK TO CREATE JOKES ENJOYABLE ONLY TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO WEAR A HELMET ALL THE TIME] HAW HAW!" FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

SlamShut

08-08-2006, 08:21 AM

How many forums did you corrupt? :D

Now this is an interesting question. Quite a few, actually. And in the process, I've learned how, with the proper time and attention, to bring an entire forum to its knees, without being kicked off. At one point, I had an entire forum devoted to a particular subject completely off the rails for about a month, and every single topic in the forum was either created by me, was addressed to me, or had the name "SlamShut" (along with various corruptions and misspellings) in the topic title.

SlamShut

08-08-2006, 08:26 AM

What was the topic again? Was it "Will impending fatherhood, the result of surprisingly effective dicksnot, mellow Slamshut?"

Not fucking likely.

I'll tell you what will slow me down, though: My mother had surgery to have a tumor removed about ten days ago, and has been in hospital since then, and Dad just called to say she's coming home tomorrow, and that he needs to 'go do some shopping' this afternoon to prepare for her arrival. My dad is 79 years old and could probably win a footrace with a glacier. Probably. Maybe. No, on second thought, the glacier would probably win. But this means I get to spend my afternoon doing the slow-motion shuffle through Safeway. But what the fuck else could I do? He's my pop.

DaForce

08-08-2006, 08:49 AM

Slammy, are you an attention whore?

It's been so long, I've kind of forgotten the answer.

:rolleyes:

Jakester

08-08-2006, 08:49 AM

That's just touching, Slammy. It warms that big empty place in my chest.

Glad mom's doing better, tho, and you're a good boy.

WHY ARE YOU HATING ON SNAKES ON A PLANE?! It is what it is, and what the fuck do you expect? You're gonna get when you think you'll get. I wanna see a snake hit a tit, and I'ma gonna see a snake hit a tit.

Okay, what I'd really like is for a chick to go sit on the pot to piss and have a snake go up her cooter and come out her mouth, but I don't think we'll see that. Do you?

Bark

08-08-2006, 08:57 AM

How long, on average, does it take for you to break newbies into this "lightning," this "madness," that is Slamshut?

Also, where's the best free porn?

neglet

08-08-2006, 09:05 AM

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/b4/Bristol_Stool_Chart.png/300px-Bristol_Stool_Chart.png

So what type is your favorite?

Okay, what I'd really like is for a chick to go sit on the pot to piss and have a snake go up her cooter and come out her mouth, but I don't think we'll see that. Do you?

Okay, wouldn't it be more fair if the snake went up someone's ass, and then out their mouth, because then the victim could be male or female? (Or both at once, if they're trying to join the mile-high club?) And if that happened, would the snake have to resemble type #4 to travel most effectively?

omicron

08-08-2006, 09:13 AM

ya know, I would say this thread has gone into some deeply disturbing places, but Christ on a cracker, it WAS started by Slammy. Where the hell else would it go? :dunno:

Omicron

Metuzalem

08-08-2006, 09:29 AM

Did you ever find Jack Sparrow?

fastcar

08-08-2006, 09:31 AM

And I memorized it.

So I know where everything is, and I know every last fucking thing in the world at this point.

Questions?

DRAMATIC REENACTMENT

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v235/fastcar151/slammatrix.jpg

THE ARCHITECT: Greetings, SlamShut.

SLAMSHUT: Who are you?

THE ARCHITECT: I am the Architect. I created the Internet, not Al Gore as you have been led to believe. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human, sorta. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.

SLAMSHUT: Why am I here?

THE ARCHITECT: Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the internet.

SLAMSHUT: English, a-hole.

THE ARCHITECT: You have a lot of free time.

kah

08-08-2006, 09:59 AM

Who the fuck thought it was ok to grind up turkey, mold it into thin strips, and call it bacon?

Senormac

08-09-2006, 06:31 PM

Did you find a good supplier of Arrogant Bastard while you were in Indonesia?

Bokchoi Cowboy

08-10-2006, 06:13 AM

Hey, I just had a thought....you work for the gubmint, don't you? And you are doing all this internet wacking-off while on the job, correct?

As we taxpayers actually OWN YOU, you are no longer allowed to do this.

GET THE FUCK BACK TO WORK!

The management has spoken....

*

Kaeos

08-10-2006, 11:54 AM

HOLY

SHIT

Bok, you figured it all out man!

I know who you are you little Slamturd!

http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/060404/060404_doyle_vsml_8p.vsmall.jpg

Homeland official arrested in online sex sting (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12159118/)

Now we know where you've been lately Slamnuts. Good luck in court dude.