Relationship Advice

[Sgt. Awesome]

I've put this off for too long...

Alright, here goes.

My relationship is on the rocks. Fell from a large height onto the rocks. And impaled itself in the shallows.

My girlfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. Since I was 14. A long time. Pretty much the entire time I've really been noticing girls. I owe her a ton. Who I've become is largly her doing. Helping hand through puberty.

She is the perfect girlfriend. Talented (she's my age and is pulling $200-500 a weekend). Hot as hell. A bit of a nympho. I get along with her friends she gets along with mine. Actually it was my friend who accidentally introduced me to her. We went to his birthday, she stuck her tongue down my throat. Oh, and she's got huge breasts as well.

She changed her wardrobe for me. She would buy clothes that she thought I would like so it would make me happy. She was obsessed. She sleeps in one of my shirts because it has my scent on it.

Sounds perfect? So something must be wrong...

She couldn't handle me not seeing her. Or more... me not devoting every waking hour to her. I'm a theatre kid. At seventeen I'm getting my second piece performed by a professional theatre company. But the kicker is with school. I do 12 hour days at the end of January. Monday through Friday 8-12 hour school days. She got depressed, stole some Ritalin (which has the same chemical make up as Crystal Meth, fun fact) and got really high with a guy, they made out.

I forgave her. She was lonely and stoned.

Things got better, she would get depressed, but I was around and able to talk to her.

Then about.. 4 or 5 months ago she started hanging out with my gangster friend. Who got her high.

Guess what?

They made out.

They both expected me to be mad at them both, I wasn't. She was stoned, and she felt bad. I forgave her.

By this time I'm getting a little tired of having to cheer her up every night on the phone till 2am. She is the reason that I dislike talking on the phone. This progresses... until, I can't really remember how it happened, but I was on the phone late at night talking her down from suicide. Something I'm not proud to say I've done before. Not just with her.

I get two or three hours sleep (I'm a worrier) and woke up the next morning really depressed. Like keep me away from shaving should be seeing the shrink depressed. I had a nervous breakdown and cried infront of my parents for reasons other then death or injury for the first time in decades. That was a REAL sign for them that something was up. I talked to them for a few hours, and it cheered me up. This was the first time I admitted to my parents that we have sex.

This was May/June. Things went downhill from there. I told her what happened and she yelled at me for telling them. Not really yelled, typed caps letters at me.

Then a month or so later she went to band camp. Now... everything about band kids they say, is infact based on fact.

She told me this when she got back. Now... so I say, "You stuck a flute up your pussy?"

The conversation went downhill from there.

Now, I'm sure you can guess where this is going. Now making out with my friends is one thing... but having sex with strangers is something else. I tried to put it behind me and forgive her. It didn't work.

Now she's going out with my Clan leader from Ohio... and I guess cheating on him with me... or cheating on me with him... or something. I'm not sure I care.

So um... I'm not really sure why I'm posting this...

I guess, I know it's over... but after two and a half years our lives are pretty intertwined. So I don't want to end it... (and the sex is great) but I know I need to... so... how do you break up with a girl?

I'm just hoping someone will say something insightful and help me sort all this out...

[Jakester]

Helping hand through puberty
I'll bet.

[Bark]

First, my advice is serious. Totally serious.

I'm not surprised the sex is great. Wacked out, crazy chicks are always good in the sack. However, you may wake up a few hours later with them standing over you holding a knife, about to kill you, so it's not always the best deal out there.

No offense, but you're young. Two to three years seems like a long time to you right now, but it isn't. Two years ago I bought my house, and I still lack furniture in the computer room. It's a blink of an eye.

You don't want to be tied to this girl forever. Again, no offense, but she's always going to be cheating on you. Her self-esteem is so low, she'll put out to anyone stroking her ego. (If not right now, eventually, especially during college.) She's always going to be draining your time and energy with "gimme gimme gimme, or I'll kill myself," BS. You don't want that. You are being something called an "enabler," and that's bad.

I just came out of a relationship where I wasn't getting a lot out of the effort I was putting in. It's just not worth it. There are other women. Imagine meeting another woman, just as hot, or hotter, just as rich, or richer, just as horny, but monogamous, who isn't a pain in the ass. Live the dream!

To bottom line this, you already know what you should do, you just need some confirmation from us, right?

It's time to leave her.

As to how: No BS. No, "let's be friends." Just say that it isn't working out, and you want to move on. Don't get angry or emotional, remain calm, and wish her the best.

[kah]

Ditto everything Bark said. I also agree that you don't have to stay friends. How long are you still in high school? After that, you may never see her again. You know all those touchy feely movies where everyone has been friends since kindergarten? That doesn't really happen. Friends start to lose touch when they start dating, followed by marriage, kids, moving to another city, etc. You can't plan your life around your friends, OR how you are going to deal with your crazy ex-girlfriend.

It's funny how much difference a few years makes. I already knew she was crazy 16 sentences in. The only thing I suggest you do is talk to HER parents, or have YOUR parents talk to them, about her depression. Leave the promiscuity and drug use out, unless you think she may be an addict. They need to know about that. She is probably just bluffing to keep you around (although most crazies who pull that "I'll kill myself if you leave me" line usually don't screw around), but why take the chance?

[Jakester]

Yup to both the bark and the hot chick.

[Meathead]

IN the whole scheme of things, 2.5 years is not that long of a time. You're only 17, so while you may have spent 1/7 of your life with this woman, overall, you still have a long way to go.

Sad to say, but even if the sex was great, you should have dumped her after the first time she cheated on you. Once you let her get away with making out with some guy, that is basically carte blanche for her to repeat the act because she knows she will be forgiven. Now that the revelations about your gangster friend and band camp have come to light, I think you realise that you really don't need her in your life gumming up the works and making the relationship almost impossible. You need to cut her out of your life and move on. It will be difficult, don't get me wrong. You will probably see here every day at school, but it can be done.

As for cheering her up every day on the phone, talking until 2AM, if you are doing this EVERY DAY, not only is it a strain physically to be up that late on a consistent basis, but it's also an additional mental strain that, at 17, you really don't need. Drop her like it's hot and get on with life.

[Space Tycoon]

I am in no way qualified to give relationship advice of any kind, but I agree with virtually everyone here. Fuggedabouddit. She's a setting sun. Move on. Follow your own self-interest.

[rappites]

I read bits and pieces of what you said above. Yes you have devoted 2.5 years of your life to her. It is tough to just give that up. Take it from someone who married their highschool sweetheart. He was my first and only sex partner for 13 years. I married him straight out of highschool I just turned 18 on September 9, 1988 and were were married in Reno, NV on September 18, 1988. We had our son in 1992. Our son is the best thing that came out of that marriage. I tried to commit suicide twice because I was miserable. I could not let go of the fact "what else is out there, what am I missing."

Please take it from someone who wished that they would have went for their college degree and sowed some oats before settling down.

Love is a funny thing and it sometimes can lead to foolish decisions.

Goodluck with what you decide to do.

[Outsydr]

I once had a serious girlfriend that liked to fuck around and blame it on some random intoxicant, Sarge. That shit gets old real fast. You want some advise? Life's too short. There are a LOT of good lays out there. You don't have to pull your hair and teeth out to get on with one, either. So do yourself a favor: move on.

[DarkJedi]

Sgt, everyone has given you the advice that is required. I know it's hard to split it off, move onto the future while letting some things go which has become a daily part of your life but it happens and it is very much needed at times.

Like it was said above, you need to focus on yourself and your future, not dealing with the stuff that you mentioned in your intial post. You have been a wonderful support system for her social problems but it's time you focus on your own for a bit and in turn, possible find someone who can be just as special for you, though less maintenance. Thank her for the time, love, & experience you shared together and go your seperate ways is the best advice that can be taken from above.

[Sgt. Awesome]

I actually saw her on the bus today going and fliming a video. I'm still going to see her tomorrow... at which time hopefully I'll be able to grow a pair. I think it will happen, seeing as I made a decision based on the time/place today not to. Not because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

And yes... really I need a large chorus of people enforcing my will-power.

[Monic]

And yes... really I need a large chorus of people enforcing my will-power.

Then, I will add my voice to all the others. They gave you good advices above. Time to move on.

[Jakester]

You could try telling her "Look, it's not you. It's me. On no wait...it really is you. You're a fucking clingy freak who screws around on me."

[TrixieB]

I am the last person to give any kind of realationship advice as most of my relationships have turned out to be total crap. However, I will give you my support in ending this very destructive one. We all want you to do what is best for you and what will make you happy.

[Jakester]

No. We want him to crush his enemies and rape their women. Oh no wait. That was Conan. Sorry.

[neglet]

Sgt. A., I can tell you know it's over, and she knows it's over. Everyone on this board knows it's over, and has told you so. So you really need some advice on how to get out.

I know it's hard breaking up with the one person you've ever loved. I was 19 when I broke up with my first boyfriend. We'd been dating since I was 16, and he was my first. He was sweet, treated me right, even offered to let me go to the World Series with his mom in his place. He'd never cheated on me sexually (as far as I knew--just kissed someone, and apologized), didn't drink or use drugs, and had a job. We were engaged, and he'd given me a ring. But things were turning bad between us. We were growing apart, and he started getting really sensitive around me--tiptoeing around me like I was a piece of TNT that might explode if he said the wrong thing. It got to the point where we both knew it was over, but someone actually had to come out and say it.

That's what I finally did, even though it was incredibly painful, and that's what you need to do. Find some time to talk to your girlfriend face to face. Tell her what you've told us--you just can't handle the cheating, the neediness, and obviously you're not giving her what she needs or she wouldn't be acting this way. Say it's better for both of you if you split up. Let her say her piece. Take a hour (or more) to talk if you need, but get the truth out between you, say what you need to, and then you'll have the closure you need to get on with your life. (Needless to say, if she offers sex during this last talk, DON'T take her up on it--that's not going to create closure! If you're afraid you'll succumb, take your talk somewhere public, like a park or a quiet corner in a cafe.)

After you've had your talk, MOVE ON. You say you're incredibly busy--focus on your activities. If she calls, tell her you hope she's okay, but you don't have time to talk. (Listen politely for couple of minutes, but that's all!) Don't meet her anywhere private, where she could entice you with sex. If you get really concerned for her mental health, tell your parents or her parents, whichever seems easier for you.

I know this will hurt a lot now, but believe me, you'll eventually get over it.(At your age, incredibly quickly, although it might not seem possible to you now. Four months after I broke up with my "first," I started dating my future husband. We just had our 19th anniversary.) It's what's best for both of you, so don't feel guilty--take pride in being the grownup in the relationship. And know that you've gained experience so that the next girl you meet you'll be better able to judge her character.

[kah]

(Needless to say, if she offers sex during this last talk, DON'T take her up on it--that's not going to create closure! If you're afraid you'll succumb, take your talk somewhere public, like a park or a quiet corner in a cafe.)



The fact that we all know she's batshit crazy makes me think this is a good idea, whether or not you are afraid she's going to seduce you.

[Lehle]

I'm gonna chime in and say... Almost everyone at one point or another gets depressed. Most don't talk suicide. But that's her deal, and I know you care for her, but definitely... you need to get the parentals involved in that. All she's gonna do is drag you down and cheating is absolutely unacceptable. Start running and don't look back.

[Sgt. Awesome]

Well I did it. We went to a park and she tried to make out with me, and I was all emo. Partly because there were people I didn't feel like spending time with at my house (my little cousins) so I was trying to drag it out so I wouldn't have to go home... so I then told her. And she cried a bit, just a little bit. I still managed to spend $20 on her.

So we seem to be ok... next year won't be too awkward. I feel a lot better, sorta depressed... but now I have good reason to be.

Thanks for your words guys and gals

[Bill_the_Pony]

So what are ya doing Saturday Night? :)


:eek:



:o just being silly, sorry. :o



Seriously...all good advice, without exception. I've been down this road before, same sitch as yourself. I had to step back and let him go. Then when that happened, he realised what he had. Things are better, as a result, but I still have to pull the "detachment" trump card if needed. That is how we are, five years later.

[Sgt. Awesome]

So what are ya doing Saturday Night?

I have to wash my hair.

[Lehle]

Ouch. You coulda come up with some shit better than that... Like, I have to groom my crotch-al area... or something along those lines.

[Jakester]

One of my college buddies got turned down with this line: "I have to wash my hair...again."

[kah]

I have to relace all my shoes.

I have a date with your mom.

[Space Tycoon]

I feel a lot better, sorta depressed... but now I have good reason to be.

Have you considered getting into recreational explosives?

I often find, when I am feeling a little depressed, that blowing things up and causing meaningless destruction makes me happy again.

For awhile... :(

[KingVoyeur]

Have you considered getting into recreational explosives?

I often find, when I am feeling a little depressed, that blowing things up and causing meaningless destruction makes me happy again.

For awhile... :(

The mindless violence of video games helps out a little too. Nothing like putting in a cheat code for the biggest most destructive weapon and then going around blowing the crap out of anything that moves!

And people say video games aren't good for anything! :lol:

[neglet]

Oh, and blast appropriate music really loud:

J. Geils "Love Stinks"
Ben Folds Five "Song for the Dumped"

C'mon people, let's make Sgt. A a break-up mix tape!

[kah]

2Pac- All Bout U (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/2pac/allboutu.html)

Puddle of Mud- She Fucking Hates Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/puddleofmudd/shehatesme.html)

[Space Tycoon]

Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, complete with functioning cannons.

[Sgt. Awesome]

I listened to Dragonforce all the way there and back. And Eye of the Tiger.

[Bark]

Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, complete with functioning cannons.

That post is too good. :D

[Jakester]

The lead singer from er...that band that did "Eye of the Tiger", Survivor....he's the singer for the Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercials.

They did one for the local morning show, so I occasionally get to hear him sing "Hey Momma SMELL MY FACE!"

[Metuzalem]

Oooooooooooooh, I know a great song for when you are through the depressed phase and you're onto the get-it-right-up-you phase. Bullet For My Valentine - 4 Words (To Choke Upon). Genius :D

[Space Tycoon]

That post is too good. :D

I aim to please. :jump2:

[Sgt. Awesome]

Ok... to bring this back.

We, seeing as we share 5 of our 8 classes, tried to stay friends. I can see it's not going to work out. She admitted to me tonight that she still had feelings for me, I told her that they were not mutual. We talked for a bit, then she decided that she was going to block me, and did so.

Symbolic maybe... but not very effective because I'm going to see her at school tomorrow...

[Bark]

Young one. The "friends" thing never, EVER works out.

[neglet]

Young one. The "friends" thing never, EVER works out.

Well, it can if you don't actually see each other for a while. My first fiance and I split up while in college, and avoided seeing each other for a few months. By the summer, we were both dating someone else and when all our buddies got together we could handle being at the same party. He came to my wedding and I went to his. We still have get-togethers with the old gang once in a while, and it's been more than 20 years since we broke up.

Still, being forced to see each other in school every day isn't conducive to the whole "moving-on" thing. Give her space and maybe you can be friends later.

[Bark]

I'll add an exception: It can work out if both parties are banging someone new.

Exception to exception: Unless one of the parties wants an orgy or a swap, and the other doesn't. Plus, the new partners have to sign on. Very complicated waters. I see little chance of it working out in this case.

[kah]

You need this cd hun. We all play this one at the bar, and it always makes us laugh when we're down.

Honky Tonk Juke Box Band (http://cdbaby.com/cd/honkytonk)

[Sgt. Awesome]

Well... the tests came back. She has Mono.

Meh. She isn't kissing me no more. So I don't really care where she got it from. It's also been nice because she hasn't been in school. Her dad is being a jerk and forcing her to come, even though she's really sick and just lies down all class. So now she needs attention (even more then usual) and I'm trying to keep distance.

It was working when she was sick.

[rappites]

I had mono in high school. My ex-husband who I was dating in high school carried the damn thing. I was going to school, playing basketball. . .doing my normal life stuff and feeling like crap. I dropped forty pounds. Finally my mother took me to the doctor. He did not know what I had because my white blood count was so low that he thought I had lukemia. Scared my mother to death. Finally I was so dehydrated that I passed out and I was admited to the hospital. I was there for a week.