*bangs microphone with finger* Hey, is this thing on? *pause* Anybody out there?

[SlamShut]

No? Not right now?

Empty house?

Good.

Jimmy, train that spotlight over here. Yeah, that's right, edge of the stage. Yeah, yeah, I know, there's nobody in the seats tonight. What? No, all the way down front, edge of the stage. I'm gonna sit down.

What?

Yeah, I know. Just put the spot there and let me be. I'ma ramble tonight, and just talk some shit out. Prob'ly best done to an empty house. Yeah. Just train that spot riiiight... there. Good. Now go have a smoke, or whatever the hell it is you do outside behind the dumpster all the fuckin' time. What? I didn't say nothin' man. Go have your smoke. Just let be and let me monologue it desert-island style.

Right after I go get another drink.

[SlamShut]

So... you know, there's some shit in life that just ain't funny.

I'm used to funny, honestly am. I come from funny. My parents... watching my parents my whole life, it was like watching a thirty-year run of a sitcom starring George Costanza's parents from Seinfeld, living in Virginia, and Costanza's parents are played by a young (and then progressively older) Burns & Allen (only Allen grew old with George in this whatever). Like that. Only the whole situation is going 100 miles an hour, in a school zone. And it's on fire. And being chased by ninjas. And the ninjas are on fire, too. By the way, if you get that reference, let me know, so I know I'm not the only geek on the planet who bothered to remember that shit.

Does any of that make sense? Probably not. Oh well, that's why I'm drinking and talking to an empty audience tonight. Fuckit. Ever forward.

So I come from funny. I was talking to a woman in my parents' retirement home the other night, just sitting there with Mom filling out some kind of bullshit paperwork for something, ah, it's honestly too fucking boring to remember, and it doesn't matter. But we're sitting there, Mom and I just being Mom and I, bullshitting and trading cutting remarks, trying to crack each other up, and this woman just puts down her pen, pushes the paperwork back a bit, looks at me and says "You know, growing up in your house must have been just crazy."

Then last night, I'm on the phone with SlamWife, and we're talking about Mom, whom SlamWife has known for over a decade now, and Slamwife says "You know, I sometimes find it difficult to really talk to her. I never know when she's being serious, or where her 'serious level' is."
"Well," I replied. "She's never serious. And she's always serious. Y'know, like me."

SlamWife knew what I was talking about.

[SlamShut]

And now Mom's dying.

Fucking cancer. That shot comes up real fast sometimes, y'know? Less than six months, ago, she's completely fucking normal. Nobody has any idea this shit is crawling around in there, looking for something to start latching on to. She's going out to dinner with us, doing all the housework, looking after Dad... Dad's eight years older than her, and he's pushing eighty, so he needs looking after by about now, you better believe that. He's a pain in the ass in his way. You know what I mean. Then, boom, she starts getting a little sick, she gets that one bad doctor visit, it's an "unidentified mass" in her colon, and she's in for surgery, more hospital, we got it all, oh shit we didn't get it all, and then a few rough weeks on the end of that, and now she's fucking dying. Now it's got so bad, she wants to die.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PROCESS THAT?

[SlamShut]

Last night was bad. I'm at the office late, about nine o'clock, and I call her up because I haven't seen her or talked to her all day, and when I get her on the phone, she can barely talk. I mean like two words at a time between breaths. I ask her how she's feeling. She says "terrible." I ask her how terrible, she says something "nggh hospital." I ask if she wants to go back to the hospital. She says "maybe." I ask her tonight or tomorrow. There's a pause. She says "I dunno."

I call the nurses in the retirement community clinic where Mom is. I call my older brother the psychotic sober-for-eighteen-years biker slash bouncer slash garage owner slash mechanic slash absolutely the last person on earth that you want to fuck with, and he calls the nurses. Mom is 911'd to the hospital in under 30 minutes.

I get a few calls, I'm still in the office. My younger brother calls to tell me he's on the way to the hospital alongside my older brother.

Bah bah bah, I'm fucking rambling. Longer story told too short, I get to the hospital around midnight-- work and traffic having glued me up real good. By then, Mom is still in the ER, sitting upright on a bed, with Young Brother and Older Brother, and Older Bro's longtime girlfriend, sitting there.

Point is, while Older Brother and girlfriend and I are outside getting some night air, Mom tells Younger Brother that she wants to be, and these are her exact fuckin' words "put down like a dog."

Fuckin' Mom.

Fuckin' cancer.

Fuckin' Mom.

[SlamShut]

Because, you know, it's just like her to say that shit.

She's never serious.

And she's always serious.

So I gotta call Dad, who's pushing eighty, and wake his ass up at 1:30 in the morning, and when I do, he tells me he's gonna get dressed and drive himself to the hospital. Dad hasn't driven a car in five years. No fuckin' way, Pop, Older Brother's girlfriend is on her way to pick you up right now.

He gets there. Winds up spending the night in the hospital with her, which is a first. I had to watch him cry, and hold him while he did. This man was in WW2, and Korea, and never bragged about it or even spoke about it unless prodded. This man worked as a government engineer for forty years afterwards, and never brought his work home with him, but retired with a gala. I've seen him cry three times in my entire fucking life. And two of those times have been in the last month.

So again, long story told too short, or maybe short story told too long, Mom was admitted to hospice care tonight. You don't know what that is, well, I'm jealous, and go look it up. It's the part of the hospital where they stop trying to fix you up, and just try to make you feel comfortable until the until. Until the end, brothers and sisters of the empty audience.

My mom is dying.

[SlamShut]

But here's the good news. Or at least the best fuckin' news I've had lately. Last night she wanted to die. That's a bitch just to fucking say about your mom and really mean it, but there it is.

But tonight, about seven o'clock, Older Brother was in her room with her, and she was listening to Older Brother talk to the hospice admittance nurse, and Mom broke into the conversation.

"You know what I really want?" she said. "A chocolate donut."

And she got one. Three, actually, these giant gooey ones from the supermarket that Older Brother found about twenty minutes or so later.

"You know what I want? A chocolate donut."

And that's it. That chocolate donut made me cry tonight. Earlier on. That fucking chocolate donut. And you know why? Because last night she wanted to be put down like a dog, and tonight she wanted a chocolate donut. And I know she still wants to die, but tonight she wanted a chocolate donut. Which means she's not just suffering anymore, which means she's finally gonna get some rest.

Fucking Mom.

Fucking cancer.

Fuckin' chocolate donut, man.

[DarkJedi]

I debated even replying here after reading your thoughts, Slammy. I think it can be reasoned with why I debated. Because no matter what thoughts I can reply to you, in whatever form of words, it will amount to shit. Doesn't mean a damn thing, dude.

I can say my prayers are with you and your family but it doesn't mean shit.(even though the prayers are with you)

I can say I hope she beats this shit in some miraculous ways but it doesn't mean shit.(even though I wish it will)

Hell, I can say I hope those 3 chocolate donuts were extremely good and totally took away any pain she was feeling but once again, it wouldn't mean shit.(even though I hope those 3 freaking donuts did exactly that)

You, your family, and more importantly her are experiencing the grief right now and no matter what I, others here, or even them(whoever the hell, them, is) say, it won't take away any pain or grief you all are experiencing...

It's tough to sit there in a hospital and watch something of which you cannot control, happening to someone you love.

I remember watching my father a few years back in the ICU, having stroke after stroke and he was a son of a bitch growing up. That didn't take away from the process of watching him suffer in some bed with IVS poking out of his body, an extremely horrifying event to witness. There is no control and the whole time, you're just waiting for the end of the bs.

No matter how much less it helps for you and your own, my prayers will be with her. Even if doesn't mean shit and isn't very helpful in the end, somehow I hope the prayers go answered.

[rappites]

Slam honey, you spill you thoughts out here anytime. Like I have said before my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[Jakester]

Aww, Slammy, I feel for you, buddy. I know you're just posting here to vent, and I hope it helps. I'll be thinking about you and your family and hoping that the news gets better.

[Bokchoi Cowboy]

Slam, I can't say anything more than ODJ, Raps, and Jakester did, other than you got us all here for you to vent to, to lean on, or to just get apeshit with whenever you need it.

I went through a similar situation with my mom's parents, whom I was really close with. I sympathize and feel for you. Stay staunch, but remain seriously ridiculous.

[neglet]

Shit, Slammy, it sucks when someone you love gets that sick. I don't know what I can say that everyone else hasn't said already.




Well, I could say, "Get over it, crybaby!" I bet no one else will tell you that.

:hugs:

[Jakester]

Shit, Negs, even the heartless bastard that I am didn't think of that. That was beautiful.

[Bark]

Lost my uncle to cancer last year. Painful and horrible. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It sucks.

What's worse: he was the only relative on that side of the family that wasn't/isn't a pain in the ass.

Hate to say this, but be prepared for this to get worse, because it may.

My sympathies.

[sickness]

Slammy, I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry this is going down the way it is. As terrible a pain it would cause to have someone die suddenly and be ripped out of your life, having it happen like this has gt to be like having stitches pulled out of a still-gaping wound one by one and with no finesse. At least that's the only way I can conceive of it since I've never lost anyone that close to me and deaths in the extended family have almost all been sudden.

I would say I hope she gets better (and the ultra-optimist in me does), but I know it won't happen. At this point, I guess all I can say is that it's apparent that there's a lot of love in your family and that's why this hurts so bad. It's not going to be easy to make it through this but you'll always have good memories for comfort.

I'm really sorry about this, man. I really am.

[Cncrman]

Slammy, I just want to chime in here and let you know that you have a lot of support here.

I had to watch my father choose to die as well. It was very hard and I can sympathize with you in your frustration and felling sort of helpless. You want to save the person that raised you and gave you life, but you can't. Your hands are tied and it is the most anguishing experience I can describe to someone else. There are still days where it hits me in the gut like a brick. Just know you have people out there and in here to lean on.

I wish you the best and I know you and your mother are in all our prayers.

[Space Tycoon]

It's interesting to see this side of you after only seeing the joker all these years.

I haven't had to face this sort of thing myself, but I know I will at some point. Hopefully I can learn something from your example.

[Immortal1982]

I really have nothing to offer, but my sympathy, and a quote from the late Warren Zevon. Zevon appeared on Late Night with David Letterman about a year before he passed away, and offered his personal insight.

"Enjoy every sandwich."

[kah]

:hugs: