How to Make a Woman Happy

[kah]

How to Make a Woman Happy!
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.


A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

[tstone]

Naked, yes. Food, no. I mean, you can if you want, but quite capable of getting my own.

But I have a list of my own. Not nearly as long as the previous, but I do have a list.

[kah]

Please share.

[Immortal1982]

I thought all women needed to be happy was Jakester?

*Duck and Run*

[Jakester]

Yeah, but not every guy can bring Jakester home.

[Metuzalem]

I don't subscribe to the whole "turn up naked" thing. I've always thought that a woman, no matter who, looks better in some nice lingerie than she does naked - you've got to leave somehting to the imagination even if it is only for a few minutes :p

[Kaeos]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food


I am told by less sensitive men that apprently #3 on that list is SHUT UP MORE OFTEN. :eek:

[Jakester]

By "less sensitive," you mean "more honest," right?

[Bill_the_Pony]

I've easily circumvented both problematic issues in this thread. :)


Instead, I have Charlie to deal with. :(

[tstone]

Please share.

Ok...

What I want in a woman...


Physically...

1. Pretty (more girl next door than Hollywood)
2. curvy/busty
3. Athletically inclined (takes care of herself)
4. Nice eyes
5. Good speaking voice (I LOVE good voices)

Internal

1. Thoughtful/Deep
2. Opinionated
3. Patient
4. Caring/Empathic
5. Imaginative
6. Open Minded
7. Geeky (film lover, book lover, politics/current events)
8. Curious (explorer type)
9. Calm/Even Tempered
10. Psychologically balanced-NO BASKET CASES!

That's the basics.

[Jakester]

Trey is way too demanding.

[tstone]

Years of experience in navigating these treacherous orchards, picking the fruit of the trees, found which flavors please me.

:D

[Outsydr]

Yeah, but not every guy can bring Jakester home.

Somehow I get the feeling that I'm one of those guys that acutally can...

[Jakester]

Yeah, Outy...you can bring the Jakester whenever you want, you Stud.

[Bark]

Trey is way too demanding.

That's nothing. I want a women who will put up with my shit. Talk about being too demanding. :D

[rappites]

That's nothing. I want a women who will put up with my shit. Talk about being too demanding. :D

Literally? Yeah, that is too demanding.:lol:

[Bark]

Yeah, literally. I meant that statement literally. :rolleyes:

[rappites]

Aww. . . come on Bark baby. Have a sense of humor will ya.

[Trazalca]

How to Make a Woman Happy!
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.


A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
"Are you okay?"

2. a companion
"Let's make breakfast together."

3. a lover
"Sure. You can be on top. But only after I coat you in mineral oil, and shower you with rose petals."

4. a brother
(puts her in a headlock and rubs knuckles on top of head)"Noogie patrol!"

5. a father
"Here. Let me fix that for you."

6. a master
"No. Please. It's not a holy relic!"

7. a chef
"And tonight, we shall dine on filet mignon glazed with a cabernet sauvignon and pesto marinade, served with a side of steamed broccoli lightly dusted with romano cheese and garlic mashed potatoes. Or would you prefer a grilled cheese sandwich, with the slices of bread lightly coated with a light mayonnaise and thin slices of tomato between two slices of cheddar and muenster cheeses?"

8. an electrician
"So, you want the 72 inch HD tv suspended from the ceiling above our bed? No problem!"

9. a carpenter
"You want your walk-in closet to be the size of a basketball gymnasium? No problem!"

10. a plumber
"There are three kinds of pipe. There's aluminum, which is garbage. There's bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then, there's copper, which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money."

11. a mechanic
"Alrighty then. Here's your problem- some wiseguy shoved a potato down your exhaust pipe. Go ahead and try the ignition again."

12. a decorator
"I am sorry, but those curtains MUST go. I wouldn't even give them to the homeless people to use as rags to wash windows with during downtown traffic. Please tell me your last decorator was John Wayne on a bender, because that's the only way this kitchen could ever make any sense to me. Vomiting in this kitchen would be a blessing to count. Trust me. It seriously needs help."

13. a stylist
"Honey? You just need to have a little faith in me, 'kay? You need a weave to help out them roots girl. And after a few highlights- look out! Somebody's gettin' laid tonight!"

14. a sexologist
"Yes, I know about the man in the boat. But really, what about the areas around the boat, under the boat, and the ones in the lower deck? They deserve just as much attention, no?"

15. a gynecologist
"Scoot forward please."

16. a psychologist
"Sorry. Your hour's up. That'll be $75 please."

17. a pest exterminator
"No dear. It's not a two-headed cockroach. You just happen to catch two of 'em mating. Hand me that shoe over there, will ya?"

18. a psychiatrist
"Judging from your last 3 sessions, we'll need to up your prozac dosage considerably."

19. a healer
"Good news. I don't see any more infection on that cut, but just to be safe, it'd probably be a good idea to change the dressing with more bacitracin added to it."

20. a good listener
"Hmm-hmm........sure you do.................really?................I see.........."

21. an organizer
"I've rearranged the spice rack to be closer to the stove, the dishes on the shelf to the right, and placed the eating utensils on the side drawers on the left for easier reach. Also, I've rescheduled your appointment with the chiropracter to Tuesday since Monday's your sister's birthday, and in anticipation of you forgetting again, here's a gift I picked at Sax Fifth Avenue for you. She'll love it. Oh, and I wrote down your itinerary for Friday, including a shopping list, a trip to your pedicurist and lunch
with girlfriends at the new Olive Garden that opened up on James St."

22. a good father
"Here. Let me change that diaper for you."

23. very clean
"You go on ahead and rest. I'll be cleaning up the bathroom, do the dishes, and finish the last load of laundry."

24. sympathetic
"I know what you mean. It sucks, doesn't it?"

25. athletic
"Let's go biking!"

26. warm
"Let me hold you."

27. attentive
"What do you need honey?"

28. gallant
"Here. Let me take those grocery bags. I got it."

29. intelligent
"The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!"

30. funny
"A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.


31. creative
"I got an idea. Instead of putting a bow on the Christmas present, why not just an
ornament instead? Nothing breakable, just something simple and cute on the top
corner of the wrapped gift."

32. tender
"That's okay. I still love you."

33. strong
"I'll unpack this washer/dryer set and install it. If I need you, I'll call you."

34. understanding
"So you're saying this is how you want it? Fine. You got it then."

35. tolerant
"So what if you're new puppy craps all over my computer, our furniture, laundry
and dishes? As long as you're happy, we'll just have to make the best of it."

36. prudent
"I know you want those pair of shoes, but I think it best we wait until it's in the budget first."

37. ambitious
"You see that house over there? Yeah. That one. We are going to live in a house just like that. You'll see."

38. capable
"Whatever you need me to do. I'm available for you."

39. courageous
"Hey. Did you hear that? You stay here. I'll go check it out."

40. determined
"This is a temporary setback. Don't fret over it. We will get out of debt!"

41. true
"I did it."

42. dependable
"I'm here for you if you need me."

43. passionate
"Sit back, relax, and take the day off from having to think about what you need to do. Just tell me- where shall I kiss you first?"

44. compassionate
"What can I do to help?"

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
"I love what you did to your hair."
46. love shopping "Hey! Macy's is running a sale!"
47. be honest "I did it again."
48. be very rich - [see answers for #36 & #40.]
49. not stress her out - "No, it can wait. Just take it easy first. You would like some tea?"
50. not look at other girls - "She did what? Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy looking at you."

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself - "Don't worry about me. I need nothing but the air that surrounds you to breathe."
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself - "I'll be in the attic, hibernating until your bell rings for me."
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes - "Wow. You were gone for a long time...did you have fun? Good. I'll be in the attic if you need me."

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays - "Happy Birthday love!"
* anniversaries - "Happy Anniversary sweetheart!"
* arrangements she makes - "Okay. So you want me in the basement now? Got it. Whatever works best for you."

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

I'll be in the basement if you need me.

[rappites]

I'll be in the basement if you need me.

What is in the basement?

[Trazalca]

What is in the basement?

Read the responses I put for items 1 thru 54. They're in the quote box.
Sheesh. :rolleyes:

[rappites]

No need to get hasty.

Those responses still do not tell me what is in the basement.

[Still Crazy]

I'm a woman and my needs from a man go as such...



:headscratch:


damn if I can remember.

[Trazalca]

No need to get hasty.

Those responses still do not tell me what is in the basement.

Donuts. Lots and lots of donuts.

[southpaw]

How to Make a Woman Happy!
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.


A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

[





I always blush when you gush about me in front of other people when I'm not around sweetheart. [WINK]

[Jakester]

I know how to make a woman happy....
don't care.

Oh wait...that's how to make her want you.
Continue that philosophy when it comes to making her happy. Eventually you stop noticing the sobs.

[rappites]

:rolleyes:

[kah]

Traz is in the basement.


After reading his responses, I realized that him doing all those things wouldn't make me happy. Why, you ask? Because his lips would be flapping far too often.

Here's my list...

Stay out of my kitchen.
Enjoy my cooking.
Manage to not get fat eating my homemade dinners.
Talk when necessary, but try to stick with one word responses.
Oral without asking for it.
Rub my head when I have a headache.
Ignore all my shoes, unless I am wearing them. Then you must tell me how hot they are.
Treat me like one of your friends.


I miss you, socko. Where have you been?

[Jakester]

Kahlan, baby, that's a list I could live with.
In fact, that's pretty much a damn fine list.

[neglet]

Stay out of my kitchen.

... except when it's time to clean the dishes!!!:Smirk:

[DaForce]

Heh...I was just thinking about this the other day...

Women like a guy for who he is, but then work on getting him to 'better himself'.

When he 'betters himself', then women don't like the way he's changed, so they move on to the next home improvement project.


I've seen this happen to a few friends of mine, and it only happens because they (the guys) let it happen.

[kah]

... except when it's time to clean the dishes!!!:Smirk:

Right! Except then.

[Bark]

Aww. . . come on Bark baby. Have a sense of humor will ya.

Did I miss a joke? :wink:

[rappites]

No.

[Metuzalem]

Heh...I was just thinking about this the other day...

Women like a guy for who he is, but then work on getting him to 'better himself'.

When he 'betters himself', then women don't like the way he's changed, so they move on to the next home improvement project.


I've seen this happen to a few friends of mine, and it only happens because they (the guys) let it happen.

You speak wise words my friend, this is something that I too have discovered. Woman love a bastard. Yeah they all say they want a nice guy but that's only half the story. The way I see it, they want to convert a bastard into a nice guy. They don't touch actual nice guys because they view them as some former bastard tamed by another woman. Chicks don't dig that kind of sloppy seconds.

[neglet]

You speak wise words my friend, this is something that I too have discovered. Woman love a bastard. Yeah they all say they want a nice guy but that's only half the story. The way I see it, they want to convert a bastard into a nice guy. They don't touch actual nice guys because they view them as some former bastard tamed by another woman. Chicks don't dig that kind of sloppy seconds.

The dumb chicks, maybe. I don't tolerate idiots or idiotic behavior, so I found a nice guy who didn't need "taming." Oh, and I touched him a lot; he was so grateful he married me.:lol:

[Bark]

The dumb chicks, maybe. I don't tolerate idiots or idiotic behavior, so I found a nice guy who didn't need "taming." Oh, and I touched him a lot; he was so grateful he married me.:lol:

Lest anyone think I'm a complete meathead, when I read this, my first impression was "touching" in an emotional context. Why? Because I'm a sensitive romantic. :D

Good for you, negs.

[Metuzalem]

I do hope that the touching continued long after the wedding night too :D

[omicron]

Well at least once after the wedding night. Hence: Negs Jr. :)

[neglet]

Well at least once after the wedding night. Hence: Negs Jr. :)

Much more than once, or else I doubt we'd be celebrating our 20th anniversary this year. We're thinking about taking a trip to Antarctica to celebrate.

[kah]

Brrr.

Trust me, there are guys who try to do the same things with women. It's very sad, but I know several. :shakehead:

[Trazalca]

Traz is in the basement.


After reading his responses, I realized that him doing all those things wouldn't make me happy. Why, you ask? Because his lips would be flapping far too often.
...I miss you, socko. Where have you been?

:lol:

[Woodwraith]

Antartica? Damn, now there's a place to chill out.

[Jakester]

Yeah, but really, what're you gonna do but bang each other to keep warm?
Send me pictures, eh Negs?

[Bark]

It's so cold there, you may get stuck together. :D

[neglet]

In summer, I guess the average temp on the peninsula we'd visit is 30 degrees F. It's about that temp today here in Michigan.

My mom thinks we're crazy, but we also visited the Arctic Circle in winter one year and had a great time despite the cold. Going to Antarctica means Mr. Neglet will have been on all seven continents.

[Bark]

Technically, he won't be on the continent if he isn't above the land. An ice shelf doesn't count. :D

[neglet]

Don't be a party pooper. Most tours make landings twice a day, on various islands along the Antarctic peninsula. Plus, we might try a trip that crosses the Antarctic peninsula, so we'll have crossed both. :Tongue:

[Jakester]

Are you gonna do it whilst crossing the peninsula? I think you should 'cuz it sounds like PENIS. Plus, that's just sexy.

[sickness]

Technically, he won't be on the continent if he isn't above the land. An ice shelf doesn't count. :D
Hey, as long as they're over the continental shelf, I say.

[neglet]

Are you gonna do it whilst crossing the peninsula? I think you should 'cuz it sounds like PENIS. Plus, that's just sexy.

Why do you think I love my home state of Michigan? It's a state made of two PENI(N)SULAS.

[Jakester]

Negs love the penis!

[Metuzalem]

Let's be honest, who doesn't?

[Jakester]

Umm...yeah...you've got a point.

[rappites]

I love it so much I have one that runs on batteries.

Like the Bunny commercial says. . . . :)

[Son of Gilbert]

I thinking aiming for the cheek and not the eye is a good way to make a woman happy.:Smirk:

[omicron]

I love it so much I have one that runs on batteries.

Like the Bunny commercial says. . . . :)

Is it true that if you put the batteries in backwards it keeps coming and coming and coming.....?

[rappites]

Not for sure. I have rechargables.

[rappites]

I thinking aiming for the cheek and not the eye is a good way to make a woman happy.:Smirk:

That is a good rule to live by. It really stings.

[kah]

Try to keep it out of the hair, too.

[Jakester]

as I say on the X site....IN THE FACE!

[rappites]

Maybe that is why your wifes face is so smooth. I hear the protien is good for a face lift.

[Jakester]

...you should try personal experience. Make Outy a happy boy!

[rappites]

I'll let ya know.

[Woodwraith]

Oddly enough, "Yes dear" seems to work really well for me and taking her shopping every weekend.

Dang, I miss football. But, I did get to see both games last weekend. :D

[rappites]

I saw both games too. I am woman hear me roar.:)

[Bark]

Toys are fine, but if your toy plugs into a wall outlet, you risk death. :D

[Metuzalem]

Now THAT'S the kind of girl I'm into.

[kah]

Wall outlet? Try a 3 horse, pull-start Briggs.

[Metuzalem]

Now that's hot.

[rappites]

Wall outlet? Try a 3 horse, pull-start Briggs.

I'm scared. :eek:

[Bark]

Wall outlet? Try a 3 horse, pull-start Briggs.

Well, at least you shouldn't get electrocuted. However, you do run the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning, better do it outside. :D

[rappites]

She wears one of those army issued gas masks. Then she wears her new camo shoes she just got.









Just guessing. :rolleyes:

[omicron]

Kah, just when I think you couldn't possibly get hotter, you bring out the mental image of you in a matching camo bra and panty set with a M-16 in one hand, a gas-powered dildo in the other, and a full buffet on the table behind you.

Honestly, how the fuck am I supposed to keep my brain from melting with that image in it?? :eek:

[Metuzalem]

STOP THE MUTHAFUCKING PRESSES!!!

Where are these somewhat mythical shoes? I haven't seen them yet! Kah, you're holding out on us :(

[rappites]

Kah, just when I think you couldn't possibly get hotter, you bring out the mental image of you in a matching camo bra and panty set with a M-16 in one hand, a gas-powered dildo in the other, and a full buffet on the table behind you.

Honestly, how the fuck am I supposed to keep my brain from melting with that image in it?? :eek:

LMAO!!!!:D :D :D

[kah]

:lol: It's 5 degrees outside here. I haven't had a good excuse to wear them yet, since I like all my toes. Soon, my boy, soon.

[Metuzalem]

Kah baby, those kinda shoes are for wearing in the bedroom only surely? Doesn't matter how cold it is outside :D

[kah]

No. These are wearable. I have others that are "bedroom only".

[Space Tycoon]

I'll bet that's right...


http://www.gyfootwear.co.uk/co4l-47.jpghttp://www.theorderofinitiative.co.uk/acatalog/altheat3010.jpg

[rappites]

Those look like they hurt.

[Metuzalem]

Depends what you use them for doesn't it? Those kindsa things are great in the bedroom. But if you let the girl go on top and she isn't careful you will get those heels jabbed into your legs.

[Bark]

Doggystyle. :D

[rappites]

The sex swing.

[kah]

Standing up works, too.

[neglet]

Unless you're wearing those 4" heels and your partner isn't very tall. :(

[kah]

Well then.... hopefully he is strong, and there's a wall nearby.

[Bark]

The sex swing.

Just make sure you find a beam during the installation. Drywall and plywood isn't strong enough. :D

[Metuzalem]

Did you just refer to the insertion of the phallus as "installation"?

Nerd :D

[Bark]

Did you just refer to the insertion of the phallus as "installation"?

Nerd :D

No. If I was going to refer to that, I would use "penetration" or "f*%$ing" instead.