Three idiots walk into a bar

[DarkJedi]

Not really...



One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.

"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

[Meathead]

Heaven is getting crowded, so God tells St. Peter that in order to get into heaven you ahve to have had a really bad day...so St. Peter goes o the Pearly Gates to make sure this happens and sure enough, there's three guys at the gates. St. Peter asks the first man, "So, what happened to you? How did you die?"

"Well, I was on my balcony doing my yoga naked (I'm on the 36th floor, so no one can see me) and I slipped and fell. I managed to catch myself on the railing of the blacony below me and this madman I have never met before starts basking my fingers...Well, I fall down into the bushes under the apartment building, but I'm still alive, and then this crazy sonofabitch throws a fridge on me! That's how I died."

"Wow," says St. Peter, "you sound like you had a really crappy day...come on in!" St. Peter turns to the second man, "What happened to you? How did you die?"

"Well, I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to try to catch her in the act. Sure enough, I get home and there's her clothing everywhere, she's naked in bed, and this guys clothing everywhere. Well, I look everywhere for the guy and I find the sonofabitch hanging off my balcony butt-naked. I bashed his fingers with a frying pan and he fell off my balcony, but I wanted to make sure the cuckholding bastard was dead, so I threw my fridge down after him. Unfortunately, in doing so, I had a heart attack and died..."

"Geez," says St. Peter, "you had a really crappy day...well, come on in." St. Peter turn to the third man and sasy, "So, how did you die?"

"You're not going to believe this," says the third man, "But I'm naked, hiding in this fridge..."

[KingVoyeur]

Four nuns are standing in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them they must put whichever part of their body they've sinned with in a basin of holy water before they can enter Heaven.

The first nun walks up and sticks one finger in the water. St. Peter says "you've been cleansed, you may now enter heaven," and she walks through the gates.

The second nun walks up and sticks her whole hand in the water. St. Peter says "you've been cleansed, you may now enter heaven," and she walks through the gates.

The third nun walks up, but the fourth nun suddenly cuts in front of her. "Why have you cut in front of her?" asks St. Peter.

"I'm sorry," says the nun, "I just wanted to wash out my mouth before she could stick her ass in the water."

[DarkJedi]

:lol: Nice ones..


This guy dies and goes to hell. Once he gets to the gates there is a Matr'D there waiting to greet him. "Welcome to Hell" he said in a happy voice. The guy seemed rather puzzled but went on with his eternity and walked in. "How was your trip? Not too hard on ya I hope." said the Matr'D. "It was OK." said the guy still a little puzzled.

"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."

"Now WAIT a minute!" said the guy completely confused. "Yes?" said the Matr'D. "This is hell right? This is MY eternity, full of everything I ever wanted? I thought Hell was supposed to suck ass or something." "Well...heaven has greater and better things than us down here, but they are basically the same thing." said the Matr'D. Still puzzled the guy continues to walk down the road. Then he comes across this pit of fire and screaming and such other unpleasant things. At this the guy got a little bit worried and asked, "WHAT is THAT??" "Oh that." said the Matr'D nonchalantly, "That is the quote 'fire and brimstone' room. Eh it's for those Baptists, shit, that's what they wanted..."

[SlamShut]

Three turtles named Tom, Dick, and Harry are hanging out one day, and they decide to go for a picnic. So they pack up a bunch of sandwiches and beer, and head out. Only problem is that the picnic site is ten miles away, so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they finally arrive, they set up the picnic, and Tom turns to Dick and says "Okay, gimme the bottle opener."
"What?" says Dick, "I didn't bring a bottle opener."
So Tom turns to Harry. "Did you bring a bottle opener?"
"No," says Harry, "I thought you brought it."

So after a few minutes of arguing, Tom and Dick ask Harry if he'll go back to the house to get the bottle opener. "No way," says Harry. "Once I leave, you two are just going to eat all the sandwiches." Tom and Dick swear on their lives that they won't touch the sandwiches until Harry returns. So Harry takes off, and Tom and Dick wait.

Ten days go by. Tom and Dick say to each other "Okay, he's back at the house by now, just ten more days until he gets back, and then it's sandwiches and beer!"

Ten more days go by, and Harry doesn't appear. Tom and Dick start getting concerned. Harry should have been back by now-- it's been twenty days. But still they wait.

Ten more days go by, and still no Harry. Dick turns to Tom and says "Hey man, it's been thirty days. He should have been back by now. Let's eat the damn sandwiches."
"No way," says Tom. "We swore on our lives that we wouldn't touch them until he got back. We're waiting."

So ten more days go by-- it's been forty days since Harry left. Dick turns to Tom and says "C'mon, man, I'm starving. Let's eat."
"Well," says Tom, "tell you what. Let's open one sandwich, and split it, and we'll save the rest for when Harry gets back." So they open up one sandwich, tear it in half, and get ready to eat.

Just then, Harry pops up from behind a rock a few feet away, and shouts "MAN, I FUCKIN' KNEW IT!!! I'M NOT FUCKIN' GOING!!!"

[sickness]

Three idiots walk into a bar.

You'd think the second and third guy would have learned after the first guy hit it.

/rimshot

[Asonokirk V 2.0]

Little Debbie and Little Jimmy are sitting side by side during recess at their elementary school. Debbie, who has a crush on Jimmy, turns to him and asks: "Do you believe in puppy love?"

Jimmy thinks a second, and then says to Debbie: "Nah, I tried it once but their little buttholes are too small."

*Ducks*
:)

[DaForce]

Little Johnny was sitting in the back of the class when the teacher asked the question," If I have 5 oranges, and I take 3 away, how many oranges do I have?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher picks him.

"Three," says Johnny.

"No, it's two, but I like the way you're thinking."

"Teacher, I have a question for you," Little Johnny says.

"Okay."

"Three women are sitting on a park bench, and each one has an ice cream cone. The first woman is nibbling at the cone, the second woman is licking the ice cream, and the third one is sucking the ice cream.....Which woman is married?"

"Ummm..." the teacher says a little embarrassed. "The woman sucking the cone?"

"No. The one wearing a wedding ring.....but I like the way you're thinking."





:)

[DarkJedi]

lol I liked the turtle one, Slam.

I think theirs another little Johnny in class one with a alphabet class too, daforce, but that's the best one Ive heard of the two.




Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

[Trazalca]

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"

Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's Legs to open so I can get a drink."

[Bark]

A man is attending mass. As he walks by the confessional, the priest sticks his head out. "Psst. Excuse me, Son." The man walks close. "Yes, Father?" The priest says, "I'm feeling terribly ill. I have to go to the restroom. Cover for me."

"I'm not a priest! I can't." The priest said, "Don't worry. Just listen to their sins and tell them what to do. There's a cheat sheet in here. I really have to go!" Reluctantly, the man agreed.

Moments later, someone enters the confessional, a young man. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession." The man replied, "What is your sin?" The young man answered, "I've had impure thoughts about the girl who lives next to me. She was washing her car in a swimsuit, and I couldn't get that thought . . . and others . . . from my mind." The man breathed a sigh of relief. This sin was easy. He looked at the cheat sheet. "Say one 'Our Father', and you're sins will be forgiven." The young man replied, "Thank you, Father," and left.

Later, an older man entered the confessional. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It's been six weeks since my last confession. I cheated on my wife." The man was uncomfortable. This was a serious sin, and the priest was no where to be seen. He looked at the cheat sheet and told the man what to do. "Thank you, Father."

The man was really getting worried. Where was the priest!?! A woman then entered the confessional. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession." "What's your sin?" She answered, "I gave a man a hand job on the first date." The man looked on the cheat sheet. Nothing. Nothing about first date immorality. Nothing about hand jobs. Desperate, the man looked out of the confessional trying to find the priest, another priest, a nun, anyone. This wasn't his job! Instead, all he saw was an alter boy.

"Psst. Alter boy. What does the priest give for a hand job?" The alter boy replied, "Five bucks and a candy bar."

[Bokchoi Cowboy]

This man owned a pig that he wanted to enter into contests at state fairs. After thinking about ways to increase the size of his pig to make it a contender, he developed the bright idea of sticking a cork up it's butt.

This the man did and the pig did indeed get larger and larger. He started winning numerous prizes at fairs all across the land. As the man got richer, the pig got larger. Eventually, the pig got so large the man had to purchase a giant cargo airplane, such as the ones that move spacecraft components and the like, to move the pig from conest to contest. Even though he was very rich, thanks to the huge pig, the man would offset his costs by allowing other animals to be shipped on the airplane.

One day the airplane was flying to the next state fair competition. The pig was as large as ever, pushing the limits of the cargo space. It just happens that one of the other animals traveling on the airplane was a professional cork-pulling monkey. The clever little monkey got out of its cage. The three men of the aircrew put the airplane on autopilot and tried to catch the monkey. The monkey eventually found the cork in the pigs butt.

He pulled the cork.


The airplane crashed.


Having survived the wreck the aircrew was questioned.


The pilot said "All I saw was miles and miles of shit!"


The co-pilot said "All I saw was miles and miles of shit!"


The navigator said "All I saw was that poor little monkey trying to put the cork back in!"








*

[neglet]

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?







His drill slipped.

:eek:

[kah]

Bill and Hillary were getting ready to go out for a nice evening, when Hillary's pearl necklace broke. One of the pearls rolled under the bed, so she kneeled down to get it. Under the bed she found a shoe box. Inside the shoe box was a beer can and 50 thousand dollars. Hillary got up, box in hand and turned to Bill.

"Bill, I found a box under the bed."

"That is my private stuff. What were you doing under the bed?"

"My necklace broke. Bill, what's with the beer can and the 50 thousand dollars?"

He sighs. "Well, I drink a beer every time I cheat."

Hillary nods. "Ok, well, Monica, I understand... What about the money?"

Bill looks nervous. "Well, when the box gets full of cans, I turn them in for cash."

[Trazalca]

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!''

In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

[KingVoyeur]

Satan is really pissed off. Every time he challenges Heaven, he loses. So he thinks to himself "Those guys up in Heaven are pretty old-fashioned. I'm more up-to-date on all the new tech, maybe I can use that to win." So he goes and challenges Jesus to a typing contest, whoever finishes typing the Bible first wins.

So they're typing away, and Satan is way out in front. Suddenly, there's a crash of thunder and all the power goes out. After a few seconds, it comes back on, and Satan realizes that he has to start all over. He looks over at Jesus, and is amazed that he's still typing away like nothing happened.

Turning to God, Satan says "WTF?!? How the hell is he still going when I have to start all over?" God shrugs and says "Jesus saves."

[Trazalca]

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

[omicron]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants."

[omicron]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said

[fastcar]

Just because it's my favorite punchline.....


Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"








Jesus Saves
Buddha Recycles

[LoneWolfen]

Slammy, THAT is one of the funniest jokes I have heard in ages.
I am still in tears.

[KingVoyeur]

What's blue and screws old people?
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Hypothermia

[Cncrman]

A young man walks into a pub in Scotland. The pub is nearly empty except for one old Scots man. The young man sits down next to him and the old man pipes up, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then, the old man gestures at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then, the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, making certain that no one is paying attention. "But you're caught with one sheep..."

[kah]

LMAO, Cncr. That was always one of my favorites!

[Cncrman]

I've heard it different ways, but that always got me to laugh.

[Bark]

. . . then the doctor said, "If that's my thermometer, where did I leave my pen!?!"

[rimshot]

[shaq]

Be warned. Shopping scam. While packing bags into your car in supermarket you may be approached by 2 beautiful 18 year old years in tiny tops. They wash your screen with their breasts hanging out and ask you for a lift to the next shop as payment.

On the way there they strip and kiss and touch each other. One of them climbs in front and 'pleasures' you. While that is happening the other steals your wallet!!!!

I had mine stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, Saturday and also yesterday!!!!!

[Bill_the_Pony]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politcs?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
..1. Im the head of the family, so call me the president
..2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
..3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
..4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working class.
..5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

"Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper So, the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room.

Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad i think i understand the concept of politics now:

The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about"

The little boy replies, "The president is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".

[Magell]

CNCR posted one of my favorites but here is the funniest joke in the world.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[DarkJedi]

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!".

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."

He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You really are a fucking asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

[Woodwraith]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." :lol:

[Woodwraith]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh yes, when I die, yes. But I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!!!."

[Woodwraith]

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

[Woodwraith]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

[Woodwraith]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Kaeos]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Okay that last one got me laughing hard - nice.:lol: