Random facts about Chuck Norris

[Scotia]

I followed Mets advice and visited the best website ever. (http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/index.html)


-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

-Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

-Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

-Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

-Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

-When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

-Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Hard to pick a favourite, really. If pressed I'd probably go with the turtle one. That or the one where he's hiding a third fist under his beard. They both provide some outstanding mental images.

[Metuzalem]

My Favourite?

Chuck Norris had the periodic table destroyed because the only element Chuck Norris recognises is the element of surprise.

[sickness]

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

[Metuzalem]

DUDE! That's the two slogans I put on my T-Shirt!!!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v731/Metuzalem/Chuckfront.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v731/Metuzalem/Chuckback.jpg

[sickness]

I probably remember those two so well since you posted those... on the last version of Cinescape? Or is it somewhere around here on the current version?

[omicron]

We had a whiteboard here at work covered with Chuck Norris sayings, but it's been erased. Wish I would have gotten a picture of it.

2 of my favorites:
Chuck Norris ordered a Whopper at McDonalds, and got it.
Never ask Chuck Norris for a 3-hole punch.


Omi

[Son of Gilbert]

This past Friday,March 10, was his birthday

[Bokchoi Cowboy]

This one is good:


Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.



*

[KingVoyeur]

This past Friday,March 10, was his birthday

Chuck Norris doesn't accept the concept of time. People say that he has a face that can stop a clock, but that's cause the clock is too scared to move when he looks at.

[omicron]

Chuck Norris doesn't eat chicken for professional reasons.

[kah]

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

This makes me laugh every time I read it! LMMFAO! :D

[Son of Gilbert]

God wanted 10 days to create everything......Chuck Norris gave him seven

[Sgt. Awesome]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way. Once.

[Metuzalem]

Chuck Norris knows the last decimal place of Pi.

[Malenko]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight. Not because Chuck is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

[Emperor Norton]

Chuck Norris knows the last decimal place of Pi.

Other good math-related ones:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

[Jarl]

Chuck Norris (actually, these particular ones are Bill Brasky quotes, but whatever) is the reason the Magic cards Gathered.
Chuck Norris is the reason the road's less traveled.
Chuck Norris is the reason you don't mess with Texas.

-There were others, but they escape me.

[Bill_the_Pony]

I sent this out in an email several months ago, I think I may have posted it at the old Cinescape, I forget. :)

Some of these 29 amazing facts may be repeats of others here, but I don't care.

Besides, they bear repeating!

29 LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS



Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.


When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.


A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.


Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.


To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.


The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".


Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".


Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.


Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.


One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.


Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.


Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.


When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."


Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.

[Emperor Norton]

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Other than the math-related ones, this one is my favorite!

[Trazalca]

There is no theory of evolution. There are only the animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

[Metuzalem]

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

[MulderLestatBlk]

Chuck Norris plays Everquest2, Eve, and Guild Wars. And people try to get him out of hiding, kinda like wheres Waldo, but with Chuck Norris.

What is with all the Chuck Norris jokes that have appeared EVERYWHERE? I mean people are yelling out his name while having epic raid parties.

Conversations go as follows:
CHUCK NORRIS YOU SUCK!
CHUCK NORRIS MOMMA SO FAT!
CHUCK NORRIS BEAT YOU AT CHECKERS!

You get the idea, and the yelling red letters, get siller and siller.

/doesn't get it

[Bill_the_Pony]

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO CHUCK NORRIS! :tongue: :p

[Sgt. Awesome]

Chuck Norris jokes are the Web 2.0 equivilent of All Your Base

[Bill_the_Pony]

And I concocted a pleasant synthesis of the two, combining the best of both..... ahhhhh, **** it. :tongue:

[Sgt. Awesome]

worlds?

[jayce78]

Chuck Norris changed my life on a weekly basis . . .

http://img460.imageshack.us/img460/4185/fygj0dd.png (http://imageshack.us)


''When your in Texas look behind yoooouuu'' . . .

[DaForce]

http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/products/a590/a590.gif

[omicron]

I was reading a chat on ESPN today, and someone posted this:

Chuck Norris once posted an 16 for 18 holes. He roundhouse kicked the ball for 16 hole in ones. Then just stared at the ball until it went in on the final two holes.:lol:

Omi

[jayce78]

Chuch Norris once stopped a moving train with nothing but his boot & a smile . . . .

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/2069/dth0hz.png (http://imageshack.us)


''When your in Tex . . .asss look behind yooouuuu'' . . .

[jayce78]

Chuck Norris once blinded an elderly woman in a wheelchair for glancing at his crouch before apearing on T.B.N. latenight . . .

http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/232/drg8ht.png (http://imageshack.us)


''God bless America.''

[Bill_the_Pony]

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face. :romy:

[WhiteKnight]

Somebody in the NHL Playoff forum posted these as Gary Roberts jokes. They're better as Chuck Norris jokes.

Chuck Norris does not need to shave his balls because hair won't grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into an ass.

Chuck Norris had his own sauce at Quaker Steak and Lube, but it was taken off the menu after a number of patrons ate it an melted.

Superman kneels before Zod. Zod kneels before Chuck Norris.

[fastcar]

Guilty as charged......

I also like these.
www.brucefacts.com

"If you ever get the chance to lick Bruce Campbell's chin, do it. It is the holy grail"

[WhiteKnight]

Guilty as charged......

I also like these.
www.brucefacts.com

"If you ever get the chance to lick Bruce Campbell's chin, do it. It is the holy grail"

Nice!

[Still Crazy]

In the credits after the end of the world there will be only 3 words - Directed by Chuck Norris

Leap years are created by Chuch Norris holding the earth back from rotating.

Chuck Norris successfully cross-bred a doctor and a lawyer

Chuck Norris shits 1337

Chuck Norris once caught a mouse, made it walk on two legs and called it Mickey

Chuck Norris played every extra in the movie 300.

[Bark]

Chuck Norris made the chicken and the egg and knows which came first. Still want to know? Didn't think so.