Mania Forums - Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror Entertainment

-Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.
-Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
-While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
-Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
-The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20 percent.
-Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
-Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris?
-Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
-On the sixth day, God said "Let there be no Jack Bauer." On the seventh day, God was tortured.
-Jack found Waldo in one hour. The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
-When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a total of $7.50 in lunch money. So maybe you should be a little more scared of the situation you're in and just give me a goddamn cookie."
-When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
-Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
-If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
-Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.
-They say guns are illegal to just carry on the street. Jack Bauer's left and right arm tend to disagree.
-The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
-Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
-Jack Bauer was once asked if he was gay. Once.
-Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
-Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.
-Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
-Jack Bauer broke into a nunnery, and impregnated 52 nuns. As a result, the 1972 Miami Dolphins were created. The only team in NFL history to obtain an undefeated season.
-You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
-Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn't bother.
-If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
-If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
-Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
-Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
-Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
-Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
-Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
-Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
-Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
-When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
-Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
-Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
-In God we trust. But God trusts Jack Bauer.
-Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.