10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...

[Trazalca]

1...BLASTOFF!!!

So I'm driving, bleary-eyed, through the mindless
shuffle that is Atlanta traffic this overcast Friday morning,
and I'm listening to a commercial on the radio for a movie.
It's for When A Stranger Calls.
In less than 30 seconds, the entire plot is revealed skillfully,
leaving no room for doubt as to what I can expect to happen in the film,
and, leaving me to come to that ultimatum of conclusions-
that I have no desire to see this movie.
Not in the theater or for a rental. Whether it be Pay-per-view,
a bonus DVD attached to a movie I'd really like to see,
or even if I were to stumble upon it on the floor on my way
out of a Best Buy, I'd kick it to the curb
carrying my Alien and Hannibal Lecter box sets in my hands.
And guess what? This is supposed to be in the horror genre, no?
Sure, it's probably somewhere in the lost haze of the suspense thriller genre,
but guess what folks, it's freakin' PG-13.
Oh yeah. The fine movie producers in Hollywood wanna make sure
they hit that teen demographic, like they did with
Predator vs. Alien, The Grudge, The Fog, The Exorcism of Emily Rose,
because, reality be told, the rating of PG-13 is treated
rather loosely in society as a whole when it comes to
theater attendance. How many people disregard the rating,
thinking "Eh. 10, 11, 13, what's the difference? They're old enough."

Here's a breakdown.
If a movie mentions the existence of a knife,
but does nothing more than talk about it, it's rated G.
If a movie mentions the knife, then shows it, but
it looks clean, that's PG.
If a movie shows the bloody knife going into a human body,
but we don't actually see it go in, it's rated PG.
If a movie mentions the knife, then shows it still bloody,
then it's PG-13.
If a movie mentions a knife, shows it bloody, then gives a backstory
through dialogue on how it was used, it's still PG-13.
If a movie shows the bloody knife going into a human body,
and we see it enter the back, arm, leg or thigh, it's PG-13.
If a movie shows the bloody knife going into a human,
and we see it entering the eyeball, groin, chest or neck,
THEN it's rated R.
If a movie shows the knife going into any part
of the human body in a repeated violent attack of disturbing angry stabbings,
then it's anywhere from R to NC-17.
And of all ratings, if the knife turns out to be an atheist
with a penchant for arguing the devil's advocate on any topic,
then it's rated MPG for it's senseless acts of lucid and salient logic. ;)

The truth is that there is a double-edged sword being swung here.
On the one hand, you have 9, 10, 11 year olds who have no business being
in the theater to see any of those PG-13 films I listed above,
but because of increasing number of parents with broken moral compass needles,
they're gonna see them anyway WITH PARENTS IN TOW. :romy:
On the OTHER hand, you have PG-13 rated movies that fall into the category
of HORROR that, thanks to the rating, pulls its punches when it comes
to showing the horror on-screen. And such a movie that pulls its punches
when it claims to be a horror film is at the height of being disingenuous.

Now, getting back to this upcoming PG-13 gem, When A Stranger Calls.
If the rating for this flick was set to R instead, I'd be interested.
And just by the virtue of the strategy that throughout the trailer
on TV, and radio commercial, absolutely no mention of anything bloody
was inferred, making the R rating a tease to the potential ticket buyer.
Think about it. Wouldn't it pique your interest if you saw a commercial
for a movie that was rated R, but only advertised itself as if it was nothing
more than a shade more violent than a standard afterschool special?
The contrast would intrigue ME enough to want to know more, if for nothing
else than to satisfy my curiosity.
But guess what? NOBODY will be satisfied watching
a movie that includes a premise done A MILLION TIMES OVER in endless
horror films in just the last decade.
If anything, this film is a setup for one big disappointment.
So many movies have employed the same tactics this movie advertises,
its any wonder it got made at all.
If I were to watch it, I'd be yelling at the screen,
"Hey! When is that guy in the Scream mask coming out? The movie's half over

already."

It's like they decided to take the first twelve minutes of Scream,
and stretch it over two hours. It's like any SNL movie method where
you take a semi-humorous 3 minute skit, and give it a premise
to span over 90 minutes on the silver screen, inciting mindless boredom,
and increase the suicide ratio of movie-goers who leave the theater
feeling there is no point to life anymore. It's the same thing.
There was really no need to make this film. None.
It has NO relevance, other than to somehow give the careers to actors
that needed the work.

Of course, some movie-geek might say,
"But it's a classic timeless story man. It's not the end result, it's the

journey."
Oooh. Excuse me Yoda while I go meditate on a fallen tree in a forest and
practice feng shui at my workdesk with my stapler and tape dispenser.
Give me a freakin' break!
You play a commercial that gives away the entire plot, and you expect me
to pay the 13 dollars it takes to sit in a theater and see it???
I'll tell you what.
You offer me the money for a ticket to see that movie, and I'll do you a
favor and tell you to keep the cash since I already know what happens.
God forbid that the same Hollywood studio/distributor should put out a murder

mystery!
If they put out ads for it, what would be the incentive of going?
Just listen to the radio and there's a good chance you'll figure it out.
And even if I went to see the movie, having seen the commercial in as many
times as one could breath in an hour, would the incentive to seeing
it be to see if she dies? If she somehow figures out how to escape
the stalker's grasp? Maybe the secret pull and advantage the movie
really will sell on is it's innovative direction and artistic style
for its suspenseful moments. Maybe the whole idea is just to
"leave my brain at the door and enjoy how many times I get scared out of my

seat!"
Would that be enough for me to pay 13 dollars?
Maybe if I had all the money and time (both of which are commodities
I do not spend carelessly) and I am TOTALLY bored out of my skull.
Maybe when there is a slow news day and the only headlines we'd read
were endless takes on President Bush spending 15 minutes fumbling
with his shoelaces, or how Farmer Bob finally got his Blue Ribbon prize
cow Udderlicious out of a ditch with a Volkswagen Beetle and bungee cord.
Maybe when watching paint dry becomes the new National pasttime,
putting baseball in financial jeopardy.
Maybe when Barry Bonds holds a press conference, owning up to being
one of the most hypocritical players of the baseball diamond, and
detailing all his steroid abuse from the get-go.
Maybe when Tuesdays become the new Mondays, and all weekends are mandatorily
set as 3 day weekends.
Maybe when Ghostbusters III gets a release date.
Maybe when my body suddenly gets blasted with Gamma radiation,
and I turn big, green and nasty when I get ticked off in that
oh-so-special "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" kind of way.
Maybe when I go to a spider exhibition in Upper West Manhattan,
only to get bit by a hybrid spider that escaped from its holding cell,
and I start secreting webbing from my wrists like a mad fiend
and climbing the walls and develop a knack for beating bank robbers senseless.
Maybe when the US Government puts my body through rigorous testing,
injecting me with a Super Serum that enables me to sprout blond locks,
and sling a shield at anyone that shows tyrrany against Life, Liberty and the American Way.
Chalk this one with a reservation to some dusty spot in the One dollar
value bin at Blockbuster.

[KingVoyeur]

Now THAT is a rant! On top of it, When a Stranger Calls is a remake. The original had Carol Kane ("Scrooged", TV's "Taxi") and is listed on Bravo's "100 Scariest Movie Moments." *Sigh* I'm ready to give up on Hollywood.

[DarkJedi]

LOL Butthead.

Do you know where the General Movie or Horror forum is, dipstick?

This Rant of all Rants on the extreme idiocy of Studio Execs belongs there, oh rant master.

[kah]

~sniff~ I missed you so much.

[Bokchoi Cowboy]

Originally Posted by Trazalca

If a movie shows the knife going into any part
of the human body in a repeated violent attack of disturbing angry stabbings,
then it's anywhere from R to NC-17.

And if a movie shows the knife floating in space, causing malfunctions and hull breaches on decks 7, 19, and 24, but is easily overcome by simply reconfiguring the main deflector,
then it's rated NCC-1701.

[omicron]

Best. Reply. Ever.

Omi

[DarkJedi]

I agree?


<oops, wrong thread.>

Ties with:

Geekiest. Reply. Ever.


The dancing cadet on crack gave me whiplash too.

[Bokchoi Cowboy]

Originally Posted by DarkJedi

I agree?


<oops, wrong thread.>

Ties with:

Geekiest. Reply. Ever.


The dancing cadet on crack gave me whiplash too.

Shows what an uninformed ignorant dumbass you are, monkey-boy. Cadet my ass, that is a yellow shirt. That means KIRK.

(Of course, I mean that "uninformed ignorant dumbass" crack in a good way....)