Friends, Romans, Convicts…

By: David Michael Wharton
Date: Monday, August 15, 2005

I promised myself I wouldn't let the STARGATE discussion stretch into a third week, much as I do like antagonizing overly zealous Gaters, but the below email turned up in my account last week and I just couldn't let it pass.

Kaya Jackson wrote: "You can probably judge which side of the Stargate/ Farscape fence I'm on by the fact that after my little email group passed the links to your article(s) around we argued amongst ourselves about who could be the first to offer you a spare kidney should you ever need one. (I won, but you have three-kidney backup, fyi.)

"To be brief: thank you for expressing what a lot of fans are feeling. You're actually a fair bit more upbeat about Ben and Claudia being on Stargate than I am. While I'm extremely glad that they're getting work and exposure, I find SG1 utterly depressing in its mediocrity. I do realize that that's all the writers there are striving for and that I shouldn't begrudge them for not wanting to challenge their audience, in other words, for not being Farscape, but I'm afraid the latter just set the bar too high."

Well, that ought to re-ignite the shouting that had finally died down. "TV Wasteland: Give Us Enough Time, and We'll Find Some Way to Piss You Off, No Matter Who You Are."

Much more important than the continuing controversies surrounding ScapeGate, however, is the fact that my readership is now offering me their bodies. While I'm sure I'm not the first writer to have female readers offer up their bodies, this may be the first instance of specific internal organs being involved. It's unclear, however, whether the kidney being offered actually belongs to Kaya or not, so if you're the poor schmuck who wakes up in a bathtub full of ice with "Call 911" scribbled in lipstick on the mirror, I do apologize for the inconvenience.


Now that I've spent 300 words on organlegging, let's get down to it. By now, all the networks have announced the premiere dates for their assorted shows, so this is as good a time as any to do a bit of house cleaning. Below I'll begin wading through the premiere dates for every show I even remotely care about or feel like listing, followed by news, rumors, and capsule reviews of those pilots I've actually seen. If a favorite show of yours is missing from the list, it's because I've specifically singled you out because I saw what you did to that old lady behind the barn, and I don't like it one bit, mister.

This will take a few weeks depending on how many of these shows inspire me to logorrhea, so stay tuned.

Sunday, August 28

ROME - HBO, 8 PM CST
The second of the competing Rome dramas finally makes its premiere, several weeks after the lackluster rise and fall of ABC's EMPIRE. The involvement of manly-man director John Milius as producer and writer should prove interesting, and the blood-soaked promos HBO has been running promise that this show will at the very least offer plenty of the Roman virtues ABC could only hint at: wine, women, song, and more than a little of the old ultra-violence. However, with a $70M budget, ROME better bring in SOPRANOS ratings or risk getting thrown to the lions like similarly pricey period piece CARNIVALE.

Monday, August 29

PRISON BREAK - Fox, 8 PM CST
FOX tries its damnedest to spawn the next 24 with this high-concept thriller that follows the titular prison break as it unfolds over 22 episodes. Specifically, the attempts of a prison designer (Wentworth Miller) who gets himself tossed in the clink as part of an elaborate scheme to pull a SHAWSHANK by freeing his convict brother (who is incarcerated in a jail Miller's character designed) before said brother's execution date rolls around and things turn all GREEN MILE on them. Wow, two Stephen King prison-movie references in the same sentence. Thanks, Frank Darabont!

This one's been getting all sorts of buzz thanks to the shock and awe marketing tactics of Fox, who have been carpet-bombing prime time with promos for this show for roughly the past 27 months. Aside from the clever-so-long-as-you-don't-think-too-hard premise, the show generates chatter thanks to the involvement of Brett "I'm putting a mutant hooker in X3" Ratner, who directed the pilot and is exec producing. Even ignoring the overzealous marketing push, FOX is clearly excited about this one, having recently inked a three-year, seven-figure deal with series creator Paul Scheuring. But does the pilot live up to the hype?

Yes and no. As far as pilots go, it's by no means the best I've ever seen, but it does a solid job of introducing the world and the characters that inhabit it, establishing the problems that will drive the plot, and dangling several curious mysteries that will give the show a larger scope than merely "Will they bust out or not?" Series lead Miller is charismatic, and I'm sure recovering JOHN DOE fans will be tickled pink to see Dominic Purcell getting work again as death row bro Lincoln Burrows. The troubled home life of Burrows' son already promises to become the Kim Bauer thread that we'll all be sick of by the end of the third episode, but hopefully the show's writers will learn the lesson of 24 and not have the kid menaced by mountain lions unless he is subsequently killed and eaten by them.

The pilot also ends on a clever reveal that, much like the core concept of the show itself, only loses some of its luster if you start thinking too hard about it. Then again, 90% of the stuff produced in Hollywood doesn't hold up terribly well when logic or common sense are applied. If the name of the game is "you buy the premise, you buy the bit," then I'll be perfectly willing to suspend my disbelief if the show maintains or improves its quality from the pilot. At this point, it could go either way, but I think it's got a fair shot of becoming the next big hit for Fox. Of course, even if their first season is a runaway hit, PRISON BREAK shares the same conceptual problem as Fox's REUNION (see below); namely, how do you do a second season?

Thursday, September 8

THE O.C. - Fox, 7 PM CST
I missed the boat on this show, so I'm afraid I haven't a clue what Seth Cohen, Marissa Cooper, Summer Roberts, Ryan Atwood and the rest are up to. I fully plan to catch up on DVD one of these days, if only to further enrich my pop culture lexicon and to try and puzzle out why anyone thinks Mischa Barton is anything but freakish looking. I've heard fans of the show complain that last season didn't have the same magic as the first year, but obviously it's still pulling in ratings enough for Fox to give it a third. At any rate, it should make a good pairing with its demographic companion…

REUNION - Fox, 8 PM CST
Another high-concept offering from the fine folks at FOX, this one's drama/mystery that follows six friends over the course of twenty years, beginning in 1986 and unfolding one year per episode. In the "present" of 2006, one of those six friends has been murdered, so the show alternates between scenes of a broody bad-cop interrogating the surviving friends and flashbacks to the years preceding, including events that will no doubt eventually reveal both the identity of the murder victim and the whys and wherefores of their death.

This one's a case of being a little too clever. If either the mystery plot or the traditional drama of the flashbacks excelled in their respective genres, it might make this show memorable beyond the draw of its hook, but the pilot doesn't offer much in either case. The scenes in the "present" suffer from the acrobatics the writers are forced to resort to in order to avoid revealing which friend is the one in the casket. Characters go to great lengths to avoid specifics or names, and it doesn't take long before the whole exercise starts to strain credulity to the point of annoyance. It's a problem similar to the one JACK AND BOBBY faced with regards to revealing which of the brothers was destined for the Oval Office. That show wisely realized that it would be more trouble than it was worth to try and keep the secret for a full season (or seasons), so it let the cat out of the bag by the end of the pilot. That decision allowed the show to focus on the characters, the questions of who this boy was and how he becomes the man he is destined to be, rather than trying to milk the mystery, which would no doubt have grown stale before even a half-season. REUNION could stand to take a few lessons from J+B. Especially since the flashbacks fail to differentiate themselves from a thousand similar stories, all teen angst and dramatic histrionics. Such-and-such breaks up with so-and-so, or Overly Handsome Teen Lead #1 asks Overly Handsome Teen Lead #2 to help cover up a scandal (a scenario that was handled much better, I might add, on, again, JACK AND BOBBY).

The show does feature a few semi-familiar faces, notably former LIFE AS WE KNOW IT Tom Cruise clone Sean Faris and Alexa Davalos, who played lightning lass Gwen on ANGEL and all-grown-up Kyra in THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK (though she is so far sadly lacking in the leather pants department). Also, Jon Harmon Feldman, late of TRU CALLING, is on board as a writer and EP.

The show's premise also dead-ends the possibility of a second season with the same characters. Assuming the show lasts, each season of the show will supposedly follow a 20-year span in the lives of a new group of characters. That is potentially interesting, making for some bizarre hybrid between an anthology show and the standard serialized dramatic structure we're used to. If they actually go that route, they would be making use of this concept in a way I'd always wondered if 24 would ever embrace, since with that show as with this one, the core concept lends itself to virtually limitless numbers of stories. Which sounds good in concept, but breaks down in the real world. If this show is a hit, at least part of that success will be because viewers fall in love with this batch of characters. That puts the network in a bit of a pickle when it comes time to renew. Do you really risk the established success by tossing virtually everything out the window in favor of introducing a new crop of characters and stories, which may or may not find the favor of the loyal viewing audience? What is the alternative? Somehow find a way to squeeze another 20 years out the same characters, following a different 20-year period? Which should we go with: birth through young adulthood or middle age through retirement? Much more than either 24 or even PRISON BREAK, REUNION could find itself a victim of its own concept. With 24, we're willing to go along with Jack Bauer being the epicenter of every world-threatening event in history, because it's an action-thriller, and if it worked for Bruce Willis, it can damn well work for Kiefer. REUNION doesn't seem to have the same flexibility to survive into future seasons.

That's plenty for this week. Check back next Monday and we'll continue our trek through the coming season.

Send all questions, comments, and speculations about my parentage to tvwasteland@cinescape.com. Keep your head and hands inside the television, folks…


MONDAY, AUGUST 15

REMEMBER THE TITANS (7 PM CST, ABC) Unless you're the Greek gods. Then just do your best to forget about them (tip: avoid objects and situations that might bring up the subject of Tartarus, such as serving anything with Tartar Sauce).

X DAY: THE INVASION OF JAPAN (7 PM CST, History) Examining Operation Downfall, an Allied plan for the invasion of Japan that never came to fruition in the wake of the Japanese surrender after the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

SIX FEET UNDER 2001 2005 (7 PM CST, HBO) The soon-to-be deceased funeral home drama gets a post mortem.

ENTOURAGE (8:30 PM CST, HBO) "Blue Balls Lagoon." You know what's even weirder than a fictional plotline about James Cameron directing an AQUAMAN movie? Rumors of James Cameron actually directing an AQUAMAN movie.

WEIRD U.S. (9 PM CST, History) "Weird Worship." Hopefully, they'll include my personal favorite cheesy religious tourist trap, the giant stone Jesus in Eureka Springs, Arkansas.

WEEDS (9 PM CST, Showtime) "Free Goat." Wow, most places just give you a toaster.


TUESDAY, AUGUST 16

TEEN CHOICE AWARDS (7 PM CST, FOX) The Black Eyed Peas are scheduled to perform, but no word yet as to whether lead singer Fergie plans to soil herself onstage. (If you don't know to what that refers, and aren't bothered by scenes of celebrity urination, click here.)

THE SLEEPING DICTIONARY (7 PM CST, IFC) Sadly, the nude scene in this movie features a body double rather than the lovely Jessica Alba, since, as we all know, she doesn't do screen nudity. Not even while playing a stripper in a hard-R film wherein more or less everyone in the film takes their kit off at some point, and said nudity would actually thematically serve the plot. Translucent tops on the red carpet at a semi-major awards show, however? Well, that's a different story… Don't you love Hollywood logic?

RESCUE ME (9 PM CST, FX) "Rebirth." Tommy addresses Janet's antidepressant problem by having a few himself.


WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17

THE OFFICE (7 PM CST, NBC) "Pilot." If, like me, you missed this Americanized take on the pitch-black Britcom hit, here's your chance to catch up. Three more episodes follow. (Repeat)

STARSHIP TROOPERS (7 PM CST, TNT) Putting aside how far it strayed from Heinlein's classic, it was cheesy fun. However, I have a feeling that watching it on TNT will strip it of its inherent…what's the word…Verhoven-ocity.

GHOST HUNTERS (8 PM CST, Sci-Fi) "Mordecai & U.S.S. N. Carolina." TAPS investigates a WWII ship supposedly haunted by the victims of a torpedo attack.

OVER THERE (9 PM CST, FX) "I Want My Toilets." Time was, I'd settle for my MTV, but times have changed.

BLACK ADDER (9:20 PM CST, BBC America) Edmund's classic attempts to avoid a duel to the death with the Duke of Wellington.


THURSDAY, AUGUST 18

THE MATRIX (7 PM CST, TNT) Watch this and pretend they never made any sequels.

BRING IT ON (8 PM CST, USA) It would be remiss of me as a columnist not to point out Kirsten Dunst and Elisha Dushku in bikinis and cheerleading outfits.

STARVED (9 PM CST, FX) "Scrotal Origami." Wherein Sam learns the importance of care when grooming, you know, down there.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA (9:30 PM CST, FX) "Underage Drinking." In order to bolster their income, the guys decide that the pub doesn't need to mess with formalities such as minimum drinking ages.


FRIDAY, AUGUST 19

ON THE WATERFRONT (7 PM CST, TCM) It's easy to forget, given the cartoonish caricature of himself he became in his later years, but back in the day, Brando was really something.

STARGATE SG-1 (7 PM CST, Sci-Fi) "Beachhead." Samantha Carter rejoins SG-1 in an episode that, as far as I know, has nothing at all to do with the G.I. Joe infantry specialist.

DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION (7 PM CST, Noggin) Kevin Smith continues his guest stint, now joined by Jason Mewes.

STARGATE ATLANTIS (8 PM CST, Sci-Fi) "Trinity." Apparently never having watched 2001, McKay tries to tap the power of an Ancient monolith.

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (9 PM CST, Sci-Fi) "Home." Roslin reunites with Starbuck and Helo on Caprica, which doesn't bode well for the preggers Cylon Sharon.


SATURDAY, AUGUST 20

INSOMNIA (7 PM CST, AMC) After making the movie about the guy who can't remember, but before making the movie about the guy who can't forget, Christopher Nolan directed this movie about a guy who can't sleep.

THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER (7 PM CST, TCM) This 1940 romantic comedy was later given the Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan treatment, resulting in YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

EPICENTER (8 PM CST, Sci-Fi) "Legitimate actress" Traci Lords stars in this story about a state witness and detective whose attempts to avoid the mob are complicated by an earthquake. I dunno, wouldn't the panic of an earthquake actually make them harder to find?

DUNE (10 PM CST, Sci-Fi) I'm still kinda partial to the slightly cheesy Sci-Fi Channel miniseries version of this tale, but if you'd like to see the expanded version of David Lynch's take, here's your chance. All four hours of it.


SUNDAY, AUGUST 21

THE 4400 (8 PM CST, USA) "The Fifth Page." An epidemic breaks out amongst the 4400, and Isabelle is examined without Lily's say-so.

SIX FEET UNDER (8 PM CST, HBO) "Everyone's Waiting." That's all, folks. (Series finale)

THE DEAD ZONE (9 PM CST, USA) "Coming Home." Johnny investigates mysterious deaths at the retirement home where Sarah's dad lives.


This concludes our broadcast.