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Galactus' 10 Rules for Healthy Living

The Tao of Galactus

By Chad Derdowski     December 08, 2009

Galactus' 10 Rules for Healthy Living
© Mania/Bob Trate


A denizen of the universe which existed before the Big Bang, Galactus is not simply a sentient being from another world; he is the physical, metamorphosed embodiment of a cosmos. Brother to Eternity and Death, Galactus represents the balance between the two – a living force of nature with a hunger so immense it requires him to consume entire worlds to sustain himself. His armor is used to regulate the constantly fluctuating energy which powers him and has created his need to feed. He’s sort of like a cosmic diabetic who has to maintain a certain level of solar system consumption in order to survive. As a result, Galactus has to follow certain rules in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle. We asked the Devourer of Worlds to outline a few basic tips for maintaining a healthy figure while consuming planets.
Quote: “I hunger!”

The Tao of Galactus – 10 Rules for Healthy Eating


10. Sentient Life Forms Are Just Empty Calories

Be I the first to admit it – when the hunger is upon Galactus, it brings with it the curse of the sweetened tooth!  The inhabitants of a lowly world are not unlike the frosting on a cosmic cake, but they should be avoided at all costs. While the flavor possessed by a thinking creature may seem to hit the spot, the truth is that the only spot they hit is that of Galactus’ mighty waistline.”

9. Fruits and Vegetables Are the Key to a Healthy Diet

Scavenging the remains of a planet ravaged by nuclear war might be an easy route, but know now that it can also be considered the wrong one. Though the scattered survivors might put up little fight, consuming an irradiated hunk of decaying rock offers no nutritional value and leads to a heartburn equal to one thousand blistering suns. Heed the words of mighty Galactus: seek out a pre-apocalyptic world; never post! Lush greenery and open fields are packed with the vitamins and nutrients a world devourer needs to not just survive, but thrive!”

8. Avoid Snacking

While traversing the interstellar roadways of the cosmos, Galactus has oft found himself stricken with temptation to grab a moon here and an asteroid there. But even Galactus must check himself lest he wreck himself! The temporary satisfaction brought on by such delicacies leads to naught but long-term frustration the next time Galactus cloaks his celestial body in his splendid raiments. And the sadness brought on when one finds themselves to no longer a size 4,872 is without measure.”

7. Eat Several Mini-Meals Per Day Rather Than Three Large Ones

Throughout the known universe, a time honored tradition of breakfast followed by lunch and then dinner has long been the standard. But Galactus has never let another being decide his fate! Long periods between feedings leads one to “pig out”, in the parlance of earthly plebeians such as Benjamin J. Grimm. Was a time, long ago by human reckoning, when Galactus found himself devouring a 12-planet solar system in one sitting; but no more! In order to properly metabolize the cosmic energies within, Galactus now takes his time, eating a planet or two every couple of hours. Thus, calories are burned and if indeed the planet finds itself stricken with inhabitation, they are given time to evacuate… or time enough to ponder their fate and pray to whatever deity commands their faith; little good that it will do them!”

6. Remain Active

Though it may seem to defeat the very purpose for which I christened a herald and outfitted him with regal chrome and splendor, the fact remains that sometimes doing it yourself benefits even I. Rather than send his herald on a planet-finding journey, Galactus does it for himself – a fine way to work off the love handles.”

5. You’ve Got a Herald, Use It!

Galactus is not the only being of empyrean origin who seeks to remain fit. Because of this, most planetary bodies now provide caloric and fat content on their packaging. While a being such as myself most oft finds himself beset with the task of adjusting helmet antennae in order to better receive updates on football scores, I have been blessed with the foresight to grant unto myself a herald. Thusly, Galactus need not worry about wasting time reading labels – my herald does it for me!

4. Exercise!

The Blue Area of the Moon has been host to many a gathering of cosmic entities and Uatu knows how to throw a party. But such revelry is not without cost! Extra poundage gained during the holiday season can easily be remedied with a visit to a planet that has its own team of protectors. There are few better methods for the dispensing of astral energy than a skirmish with an elastic genius (by earth standards), his beautiful but shy wife, her hotheaded brother and their rocky-hided behemoth. A meal tastes better when it is earned – SO SPEAKS GALACTUS!

3. Don’t Overdo It

Two planets = too much! The galaxy is not your buffet table… it is mine! But even one with limitless power knows the limits of his metaphysical metabolism. Though Mars may have two moons, you are not required to eat both of them.”

2. Stick With Smaller Portions

If you are among the inferior beings of the universe, you are likely humanoid in form. Therefore, your stomach is approximately the size of your fist. Galactus possesses a fist roughly the size of your earth tanks and chooses portions appropriate to its nature. To put it more simply, it is often better to eat a dwarf planet or moon rather than opting to Jupiter-size your every meal. Heed my words or feel my wrath! Think not that Galactus won’t make an exception should you choose to deny his advice.”

1. Delete the Dessert

You don’t need to eat the sun, delicious as it may be. SO SPEAKS GALACTUS.


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Showing items 1 - 5 of 5
gauleyboy420 12/8/2009 1:57:20 AM

love it!

kwsupes 12/8/2009 5:39:39 AM

 Chad how about some more DC articles man. This article is great and thanks for writing it, but we need more DC content. I have noticed as of late the Comic section has been really Marvel heavy. 

metalpause 12/8/2009 7:13:58 AM


KillerTomato 12/8/2009 10:35:39 AM

Marvel's characters are just ripe for mockery (I don't mean that insultingly).  Where's DC's planet devourer?  Or how bout DC's Watcher?  I mean come on...

Of course I notice Galactus mentions nothing about alcohol consumption...I mean come one now, one of the times that Earth was saved from devouring was because Hercules attempted to get him drunk, and well he just found som much humor in that he decided to leave us alone...yet again...

Cheesey1 12/8/2009 11:14:50 AM

Funny stuff.  I agree with Killer Tomato that this article is that extra bit witty because you have the very self important, always serious Galactus sounding so silly, but still in that "Devourer of Worlds" full of himself way and Marvel has had a great history of not taking itself too seriously.



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