Mania Grade: D+
79 Comments | Add
Rate & Share:
Related Links:
Info:
- Movie: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
- Rating: PG-13
- Running Time: 1 hrs. 58 min.
- Starring: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Byung-hun Lee, Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Dennis Quaid, Said Taghmaoui, Channing Tatum, Arnold Vosloo, and Marlon Wayans
- Written By: Stuart Beattie, David Elliot and Paul Lovett
- Directed By: Stephen Sommers
- Distributor: Paramount Pictures
- Series: G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: Movie Review
Yo Blows By
Rob Vaux
August 07, 2009
G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA
© Mania
I have a rule: never condemn a movie like G.I. Joe just for being big, loud and stupid. Big, loud and stupid is really kind of the point, and anyone who can't figure out that a film like this consists of nothing but mindless sound and noise really gets what he deserves. The warning--May Contain Insultingly Derivative Idiocy--is clearly written on the box.
Nor can one accuse G.I. Joe of totally trashing the source material. The original "cartoon" basically existed as 30-minute commercials for Hasbro's line of toys… which were themselves an attempt to cash in on the Star Wars action-figure craze of the late 70s and early 80s. Let's be perfectly clear here: there never was any integrity to destroy. Indeed, G.I. Joe actually has a modicum of respect for what we'll laughingly refer to as the core mythos. Things people feared would be ruthlessly cast aside--Destro's silver mask, for example, or the whole Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow thing--instead show up front and center (sometimes to the detriment of the story, but no matter). Even in a movie so utterly inane, that counts for something.
No, the real problems with G.I. Joe come when it abandons those instincts: when the soulless corporate forces behind it all start hedging their bets. You can see it when it quietly cribs elements from other films, then drops all pretense and starts ripping things off wholesale. The most egregious example entails team members Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans)--ostensibly the heroes of the piece--kitted out in a pair of Iron Man-style battle suits.
Despite their front-and-center status, Paramount didn't trust them to be interesting enough on their own, unlike supporting figures such as Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) or Snake Eyes (Ray Park), whose gimmicks are better defined. So the studio plugged in a quick riff on an earlier blockbuster--something easily spun into a toy accessory--and designed an inane action sequence around it amid the streets of Paris. Neither character is especially well-rounded to begin with, but saddled with such a poorly conceived gimmick, they become nothing more than video game ciphers.
Further problems exist on a much simpler level--G.I. Joe misses a huge number of opportunities for terrific action. Consider: the Paris police arrest the Joe team following an aborted attack on the city… all except Snake Eyes who is uniquely equipped to perform a bad-ass jailbreak redolent with ninja awesomeness. But instead of letting its most popular character do what he does best, G.I. Joe has him duck into an alleyway and call his boss. CALL HIS FUCKING BOSS. Because there are, you know, protocols. And diplomatic ramifications. And if he were to do anything untoward--like bust his buddies out of the hoosegow in an unparalleled display of Snake Eyes ass-kickery--the French might get upset.
Such oversights may be forgivable if the remainder of the set pieces possessed any flair or panache, but director Stephen Sommers delivers them with the grace and artistry of a dead pig. Clunky CGI mixes with spastic edits and questionable camera angles to render the onscreen movement an utter hash: covered up by Alan Silverstri's ear-shattering score in hopes that no one will notice how limp the resulting "excitement" truly is. Moreover, the action arrives far too infrequently for comfort, and fights for space amid interminable flashbacks intended to set up the various dramatic arcs with laughable crudity. For a film based on a line of action figures, it spends an awful lot of time on character exposition: from Destro's family origins to the aforementioned Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow rivalry to the faux tragic history between Duke, the Baronness (Sienna Miller) and the future Cobra Commander (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, relishing every Bond villain moment despite his obvious miscasting). Kids--presumably the target demographic--will find it excruciatingly dull, while adults (even fans who grew up with the action figures) should see through its simplistic drama in a New York minute.
All of which begs the question, what sort of criteria should one apply to G.I. Joe? That it's howlingly awful goes without saying, but it won't be the first bad movie to come out this summer and its efforts hold more honor than some. Yet when the most basic levels of enjoyment--the point-and-shoot gunfights and Q-branch goodies upon which the franchise is based--explode on the tarmac, then the "good popcorn fun" excuse runs dry in a hurry. Fans will doubtless want to see for themselves, of course, and some may even find it entertaining after a fashion. But even with the bar set lower than Deney Terrio's limbo stick, G.I. Joe struggles to measure up. Its pointless noise remains devoid of energy or fun, going from merely stupid August mayhem to a colossal waste of time.
LOGIN
REGISTER
RSS
HOME
Say it ain't so Rob, say it ain't so! I refuse to believe it wasn't FUN!