Spike (James Marsters) joins the cast of ANGEL in season five.
© 2003 The WB

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Based on Actual Television Shows

Greetings Cinescapers! This week I am proud to announce the new "anything goes" policy at TV Wasteland. In the past I was leaving out shows that many of you fine readers recommended because they, alas, lacked a certain overt sci-fi/fantasy angle. I was pretty nasty about it and for those who may have received an alcohol-fueled response to your suggestions of RENO 911!, WHOOPIE, and WHEEL OF FORTUNE, I apologize.

I've gone through genre snob rehab and I think you'll notice a change in this column's content as a result. Now such choice shows as REBA and EVERWOOD will share the same space as TREMORS: THE SERIES, ENTERPRISE and CSI: MIAMI. As they say, classics

Spike (James Marsters) joins the cast of ANGEL in season five.

© 2003 The WB

BTW, THE GREEN HORNET TV show from the '60s will return to the small screen in re-run form October 4 at 8 am on the Encore Action channel. A station I'm sure most of us don't have.

Have a show you'd like plugged, regardless of its relevance to Cinescape's focus? Drop me a line at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS (8 pm, NIK) The putrefying corpses of our history's greatest leaders help Timmy out with an exam before feasting on flesh.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A man is found pinned to his boat by a harpoon. Horatio immediately suspects a gigantic irony-prone butterfly. (Repeat)

EVERWOOD (9 pm, WB) Dr. Abbott comes back after practicing medicine in "exotic" locals, where she learned the secret of raising the dead. Treat "1941" Williams spends the episode keeping her from purchasing a shovel and a pulley.

MARTHA INC: THE STORY OF MARTHA STEWART (9 pm, LIFE) Cybill Shepherd, one of the finest of thespians, tackles the legendary Stewart in a performance that can only be called "brilliant." This TV bio-pic is so good they should call it THE BIBLE III.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

DUMBO (8 pm, DISN) A resident in an overpriced, pretentious artist community on the wrong side of the Brooklyn Bridge mistakenly believes this animated film about a flying elephant is a documentary on his turf. Later he goes out to Jacques Torres for a cup of Wicked Hot Chocolate.

ONE TREE HILL (9 pm, WB) After an unfortunate chainsaw mishap the show becomes NO TREE HILL.

MI-5 (9 pm, A&E) Germ warfare may or may not happen. The team prepares regardless.

SEARCH FOR THE RIPE PEACH 2 (8:30 pm, HOTNET) After failing to find "the" ripe peach the last go around, the adult film industry gives it another shot. Failure looms, as I hear SEARCH FOR THE RIPE PEACH 12 is already in production in the back of some mobile home.

SOUTH PARK (9:30 pm, COM) The boys discover the Jakovasaurus, a miserable comic creation obviously inspired by Jerry Lewis, but twice as funny. That is to say, it's not funny at all. (Repeat)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) The crew of the Enterprise are spied on telepathically by a slave girl looking for information on humans. Another slave girl does the same thing in half the time via a

Van Williams as THE GREEN HORNET

© 2001 20th Century Fox

SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Via the magic of red kryptonite Clark starts helping out a mobster. Jonathan decides to bring Clark back home, either by car or casket. Season Premiere.

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) The team has an ethical conflict when their supernatural law firm has to represent a villain. Season Premiere.

JAKE 2.0 (9 pm, UPN) Jake makes the moves on an arms dealer's daughter. Like all arms dealer's daughters, she is astoundingly hot.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS MEET THE WOLFMAN (8 pm, DISN) It's a sad day when the Disney Channel can't afford its own product.

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S (8 pm, WE) Features Audrey Hepburn in her prime, a top notch Henry Mancini score and that old guy from THE A-TEAM.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A college student is found dead floating in the shower. When the forensics team refers to him as a "floater" his distraught roommate laughs so hard milk comes out his nose.

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) The team looks for a priest. No, they're not all marrying one another a la LOVE AMERICAN STYLE; they need to give him a new liver.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3

REBA (8 pm, WB) Reba reads Kyra's e-mail, discovering a wealth of adolescent doubt and shame, culminating in a tragic revelation involving a party.

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Burt has to reason with the townspeople of Perfection. Tells them, "Before you leave, let me ask you this. How can you collect royalty checks on shows you were not in?" (Repeat)

STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) Under a force field, on a desolate planet the team discovers life. One thirsty crewmember remarks, "If they were able to construct this fantastic force field, why the hell couldn't they invent just one lousy Coke machine?" (Repeat)

THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY (10:30 pm, TCM) A portrait acts as Oil of Olay for a pretty boy.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4

ARMY OF DARKNESS (7 pm, SCI-FI) The final chapter in THE EVIL DEAD trilogy. I'm sure all Cinescape readers know this one well. Except you, Paul.

DR. STRANGELOVE, OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB / KISS ME DEADLY (8 pm, TCM) Two brilliant satirical looks at the Atomic Age. The first, an impotent general starts World War III, the second, Mike Hammer's macho bravado kills all.

TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) The Titans just sit around and complain about "stuff."

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5

THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (6 pm, TCM) A divorced couple rekindle their romance years later, during the ex-wife's attempt at a second marriage. The second-husband-to-be is destroyed by the events and is soon seen licking the inside of a rusted can of Spam he found in a dumpster. For

Tom Welling stars as a young Clark Kent in SMALLVILLE

© The WB

NECESSARY ROUGHNESS (6 pm, HBO) A 1991 football comedy that attempted to make Scott Bakula a star. Avoid.

THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE (8 pm, TCM) The Coen brothers borrow liberally from the literary style of James M. Cain in this passable retro-noir about a loser who fails when he attempts to win.

SWEET AND LOWDOWN (8 pm, IFC) LA STRADA re-envisioned by Woody Allen as bio-pic with the strong man replaced by a guitar player.

Until next week, recall the words of Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

Break, Break, Break,

     On the cold grey stones, O Sea!

And I would that my tongue could utter

     The thoughts that arise in me.

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.