Goodbye Melissa Joan Hart Road

One fanatic's dreams destroyed by violence

By Andrew Hershberger     April 07, 2003

Greetings Cinescapers! It's been a hectic week here in the CINESCAPE cave. Last week, I wrote a bit about my undying love for Melissa Joan Hart (sweet, sweet, Melissa Joan Hart) and have found myself in a bit of a pickle. It looks like my obsession with the sweetest witch on TV has been deemed akin to stalking by the "Association of Professional Melissa Joan Hart Stalkers" or APMJHS. Due to this, I have been asked to either join their Union or have both my legs shattered with a sledgehammer. Fortunately, we were able to reach a compromise in which I am to withdraw from my Melissa Joan Hart pursuing antics and leave it to the professionals. Melissa, I will always love you and that talking cat puppet that fools nobody, but when it comes down to you or walking... well I think you're an all man kind of woman. That said, hey Thora Birch! Melissa will always be my true love, but you went from homeless to the Harvard of my heart. There's a lot of crazy shows listed this week some too crazy... much, much too crazy. So join in the wackiness and remember, this column has been proven to cause narcolepsy in laboratory rats. Send us more hate and love (yeah, right) mail at feedback@cinescape.com.

MONDAY, APRIL 7

STARGATE SG-1 (7 pm, SCI-FI) Four episodes starting with a crystal that recreates a dead son, followed by fairies who make plants invisible, people whose lives have been shortened by a botched experiment, and last but not least a planet that's ruled by Norse gods. Hmmm, I never knew the Norse gods were Mormon.

LISA MARIE PRESLEY (8 pm, VH1) Lisa Marie Presley gets the nepotism treatment with a VH1 special. I guess that's the perk of being the daughter of rock's greatest king. You know... Justin Timberlake.

ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS (8 pm, Comedy Central) Need a good laugh? This is in the drama section at my video store.

ANGELS: GOOD OR EVIL? (9 pm, History) Religion gets the sensationalist treatment, as a question that's been on nobody's mind gets the simplified treatment. Next in the series: GOD: TOTALLY COOL CAT OR PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FREAK.

TUESDAY, APRIL 8

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (8 pm, UPN) Spike gets the third degree from Buffy; Buffy goes to the Council to try and find Giles. Gee, it's all about Buffy isn't it. (Re-Run)

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, Nick) The DMV, ever so lenient about who they'll give a drivers license to nowadays, fails SpongeBob when in unanimated form he drives his car off a cliff. Question is how'd he work the gas pedal?

SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) When Lex holds Martha and Lionel hostage, Clark rips both his arms off and beats Lex with them. Then an armless Clark wonders why he's so stupid while driving home with his feet. (Re-run)

24 (9 pm, Fox) The Army is put on standby as California gets restless. Meanwhile, Jack has to protect Wallace. Sounds like a typical 1 am.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Those wacky government scientists try one of their wacky experiments in Perfection. Laughs aplenty ensue from those Nutty Professors.

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) Due to declining ratings, UPN has changed the focus of the show to one where the cast and crew explain how to set up independently operated businesses. Just kidding. Capt. Archer is on trial by the Klingons for humanitarian actions resulting in Klingon humiliation.

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) Cordelia's brat, Jasmine, can turn all who meet her into her loyal slave. I think we've all met somebody like that before.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) A Hip Hop artist has visions of being interrogated. A gambler uses a magic device to win. More than 7 viewers tune in. (Re-run)

THURSDAY, APRIL 10

SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (8 pm, WB) Wiona hatred runs rampant as Sabrina tries to expose a Hollywood starlet as a kleptomaniac, in the second half of a double set sent straight from Hades. (Re-run)

TANK GIRL (8 pm, Oxygen) Grrl power to the extreme. Telling women you like this film is a great pickup line.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A person is stabbed to death while watching a movie. New 3-D technology is to blame.

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A Bronx schoolteacher disappears. This one's a little too close to home.

FRIDAY, APRIL 11

BIG DADDY (8 pm, Fox) In Sandler world, the justice system is influenced by crass emotional plays and unethical techniques, and we're supposed to love it. More disturbing is the Government agency that will dump kids on your doorstep without checking your ID.

POWERPUFF GIRLS (8 pm, Toon) Powerpuff girls marathon!!! Let me hear you say, "YEAH!"

HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS (8 pm, AMC) American Movie Classics can't get enough of this film. Does their name mean anything anymore?

SATURDAY, APRIL 12

HUNTER: BACK IN FORCE (9 pm, NBC) The time is ripe for a Fred Dryer revival and NBC serves him up hot in this made for TV movie that is destined one day to run on American Movie Classics.

D.O.A. (8 pm, UPN) A classic noir gets an un-classic update. Dennis Quaid has 24 hours to find out who killed him with slow acting poison. Along the way he meets Meg Ryan... an even slower death.

MURDER BY NUMBERS (8 pm, HBO) Two young hotshots try to commit the perfect murder. Too bad for them Sandra Bullock is on the case. Does that last line make any sense?

SUNDAY, APRIL 13

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Homer moves in with a gay couple and gives Marge the brush off. Looks like Homer's come a long way since his run in with John Waters.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) Potential homebuyers find the homeowner's dead body in the house. A ruthless agent pitches the corpse as an "optional accessory." Makes sale. (Re-run)

ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) Sydney is in the throes of a career decision. Dixon reveals something shocking to his wife. (Re-run)

DRAGNET (10 pm, ABC) A dead actress has our boys questioning a rich couple, a porn star and a tabloid journalist. Next week, a lost cat has our boys questioning a rich couple, a porn star and a tabloid journalist, but this time it's for fun. (Re-run)

Well, that wraps up the week. Remember folks. This column is for you as much as for me. If there are any shows that you are partial to, don't keep them to yourself. Share them with CINESCAPE at feedback@cinescape.com. I will try to add them to the list. (Sorry Spice and Hot channel shows excluded.)

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