Hail to the Otaking... and his Otakid - Mania.com

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Hail to the Otaking... and his Otakid

By His Lordship Chaos     -

[Cue an SD Chaos, SD Dark Schneider and Tamagoyaki happily marching across the column!]

All: ^-^ [with party hats & streamers!] "Omedito!!"

SD Chaos-chan: [dressed up in an EVA plugsuit] "Congratulations to Chris and Melanie Beveridge, who had their baby daughter this past Thursday, March 16!"

Tamagoyaki: [dressed up as Ryoko] "Welcome the newest otaku to Anime on DVD: Amethyst Jade, weighing in at 10 pounds and 2 ounces!"

SD Chaos-chan: "I don't see why I had to dress up in the EVA plugsuit to congratulate the weblord. This thing's riding up my rear!"

Tamagoyaki: "Hey, it's a celebration. And when otaku celebrate, it means Cosplaying!"

SD Chaos-chan: [sulking] "That's the last thing I need: hundreds of readers discovering I fall into the Cosplay (Bad) category."

SD Dark Schneider-chan: >) "I showed up for this column dressed as the sexiest thing I could think of."

SD Chaos-chan: "Faye Valentine?"

SD Dark Schneider: [stomping on Chaos] "Me, you cross-dressing twerp!!"

[Tamagoyaki abruptly hauls out the Sake bottles!]

Tamagoyaki: "Now then, with the formalities out of the way...LET'S GET PISSED!!"

SD Dark Schneider-chan: "Now this is my kinda rant!"

SD Chaos-chan: x.x [flattened li'l fanboy] "H-Haiiiii...."

Yes indeed, there should be much rejoicing for an otaku who can start out her life with SD Gundam-patterned diapers, and can watch Clamp Campus all day long (as opposed to the Teletubbies or Power Rangers...unless there's a special with them on TV, something along the lines of: Totally Hidden Dragu Slaves!), and learn how to properly insult her fellow preschool playmates by calling them in a Ruri-chan deadpan voice, "Baka Baka."

But I refuse to feed any child that Pokemon toasted oats cereal...unless it involves Ukyo's oversized spatula, a T-74 tank and a chorusline of tap dancing, super-deformed Bugrom. It's probably best I don't tell you what I'd use them all for. I'll just let your own imaginations work against you, and then you won't be able to sue me.

My therapist already has enough to contend with. I'm impressed he managed to survive flinging himself out of the office window during our last session (I was ranting about how exactly Kane Blueriver could lose an entire universe). But apparently, when you go SD and plummet from great heights, you become the equivalent of a rubber ball, and just do alot of twitching in the ambulance gurney.

And on a side note, I like the precious stone motif for her name. Amethyst and jade always make for excellent accessories on the obligatory metal bikini of your token fantasy Anime babe. It's always interesting to think about the strange name thematics you see in Anime.

Bakuretsu Hunter has everyone named after cakes or pastries, such as sisters Tira & Chocolate Misu. Lamunes and 40 Fresh has the villainous vixens named after alcoholic drinks, such as Tequila and Liqueur. And the Sabre Marionettes are all named after fruits: Lime, Cherry and Bloodberry.

Gee, all these names are making me hungry. Now before you all groan and expect a second run-in with the breaded pork cutlet o' doom, I feel it safe to warn you all that the fridge has since been cleaned out. On a completely unrelated yet no doubt ominous note, I ordered a new all-purpose bed this morning. I'm certain Roujin Z will prove to be all the rave as this artificially intelligent bed takes me for a joyride to the beach, where I can terrorize bikini-clad catgirls until officers Miyuki and Natsumi haul me away to the AD Police headquarters.

I'll just wait in holding until the daily 5:03pm Boomer attack, and make my escape then.

What does this have to do with kids, you may ask? The answer is simple, my fellow rabid Anime fans: it's the end of the world if I have any.

Consider for a moment, if you will, what Tokyo would be like with multiple Chibi-Chaoses (or would the plural form be Chaosi?) running loose and rampant in the streets. I'd give them unique titles of Mass Destruction all their own, and smile before running for cover as yet another N-2 mine goes off.

I could have sworn that was just a modelling kit when I looked at the box.

Chibi-Carnage would use a perfectly placed Satellite Strike to disable the neighbourhood ice cream truck, so he can ravage the contents. After his snack, if he should spot a Ctarl-Ctarl, he'd hop into his SD Deathscythe-chan and chase after it. Catgirls make the cutest pets...hairball projectiles aside.

Chibi-Mayhem would be the ultimate hacker at age 3, teaching Nene a thing or two, as well as conspiring with Nabiki Tendo to do "discreet" wire transfers to off-shore bank accounts. Plus stage an insignificant corporate takeover of Bandai and GENOM (formerly known as Microsoft), thus giving him the chance to complete his lifelong goal of directing 'Nadia: the Secret of Blue Seed.' And then he would no doubt converse with Lain on her Navi, and have her alter the reality of the stock market at his leisure.

Chibi-Havoc, the uber-chibi-perv who's discovered how to steal the panties off cute Anime babes before learning how to walk, would probably demand a ladies' onsen scene in every Anime. Not to mention he'd get his Ph.D. in the study of Gainax Bounce, as well as be a fierce advocate for Rule 3 (remember, it needs no excuses!).

Chibi-Sarcasm would round up every cute Anime guy and have her own harem. You see, this is the difference between male otaku and Femmes: we chase after the women, while the women just snag their guys with a leash and collar. Even in daycare, Chibi-Sarcasm would have her pretty-boys lined up to pamper her for diaper changing, feeding, playing, rocking her to sleep and the all important burpfest.

Chibi-Riot would be a wandering martial artist of the daycare centre, forever searching for the meaning of life and spouting off cryptic and utterly ridiculous Zen proverbs that make him sound like a badly dubbed Hong Kong action movie. I can hear the little guy's first words even now: "Greetings, large mecha-fetish person! Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some butt of the giant youma o' the day."

Chibi-Anarchy wouldn't really do much. Sure she might have the power toend the world on a vicious whim (even bypassing the obligatory Tokyo Tower visit), but why work towards a series finale when you could be down at a karaoke bar, singing completely off-key with Misato Katsuragi and Fujisawa-sensei as the three of them get pissed on Sake. Chibi-Anarchy has her Sake in bottle formula, naturally. Don't ask me how a kid could pass as over 18. But if you've got the psychic power and evil attitude of X's Fuma, who's going to argue?

You know, I could create a series based on these guys.

Hey, wait a minute....

But seriously, if your Anime kid does come back from the future to visit you, it can only mean one thing: somewhere along the way you REALLY screwed up and are now paying for it all over again. It happened in Sailormoon with Chibiusa. The first time the Yamhead (well that's what her hairstyle looks like!) showed up, Crystal Tokyo had been reduced to practically a big, happy hole in the Earth.

And in DBZ, Trunks appears only to relate a future where cybernetic robots rule the world. No, he hadn't been up all night watching the Terminator movies again.

Imagine, though, if the child you never knew you would have (or never want to have after you meet them) appears and says the future's kinda botched thanks to you. Boy, doesn't that make you look so forward to the next season?

Chaos: ^^ "I'm not scared. I know my future's going to turn out just fine!"

[Cue the obligatory daughter from the future!]

Hysteria: ^-^ "Ooooh! Ohayo, Chaos-poppa! You look sooooo kawaii today, ne? Ne? Ne?"

Chaos: o.O "What the?"

Hysteria: "Oooh, Hysteria knows just what would make this rant-chan even more kawaii than ever: a kawaii little tea party-chan! Hysteria's brought lots of kawaii frilly apron-chans with her from the kawaii little future-chan!"

Tamagoyaki: "Well, I'd say that's a strong argument for having your gene pool chlorinated immediately."

Chaos: [grrr!] "Hush, rodent!"

Tamagoyaki: ^^ "Aw, is the fanboy agitated about his bouncing bundle of brainless matter?"

[Cue the obligatory mascot from the future!]

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...it's another Cosplaying gerbil, but with a pacifier."

Gerbil: ^-^ "Hi, Dad!"

Tamagoyaki: [blink blink!] "Um...what?"

Gerbil: "Don't you recognize me? I'm your daughter, Quiche!"

Tamagoyaki: [slowly turning to Chaos] "You tell no one of this."

Chaos: "Like I want to admit this posterchild for birth control is mine!!"

Hysteria: "Chaos-poppa, come here and try on your kawaii frilly apron-chan for the tea party-chan!"

Chaos: o.O [panicky li'l fanboy] "KYAAAAA!! Get those ribbons away from me!!"



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