Jennifer Aniston
© N/A
What the hell is this?!
By: Jarrod SarafinDate: Saturday, March 03, 2007
Hello, you Maniacs. Welcome to the first edition of Superficial Slobber! I know what you’re thinking…
What the hell is this?!
I’ll come right out and tell you. Here at Mania.com, we can be a pretty serious bunch of genre fanatics. We have smacked you over the head with facts till the cows come home in the box office report. Karl can throw a stun grenade in that occasional PS3 article when Sony does something silly and let’s face it; Sony’s an artist at that lately. Jessica can awe fan-boys around the globe by licking portable game devices and giving you the facts on how to pick up broads. Captain Gordon can give you cheats on the Strawberry Shortcake game. We all need that! As I say, we are a pretty serious bunch on the genre capital of that invention we call the web.
But it’s time for something new.
It’s freaking Saturday, Maniacs. It’s time for you to sit back, open up a beverage, take your socks off and find the little things in life to laugh at.
What's a better target to laugh at then celebrities in the news? They’re a glutton for punishment and they always seem to come back for more.
So, without further ado, I give you this week’s chucklicious celebrity screw ups.
When Good Girls go Bad….Then Crazy!
Do you remember the time a few years back when Brittney Spears was turning 19 and you thought to yourself, “I wonder if she’ll pose in a magazine I buy just for the articles?” Flash forward a few pregnancies & a couple of nasty kitty pictures later to today where this strange creature has gone from good girl to mildly insane. Come on, you know you have it bad when Kevin "NoJob" Federline orders her to Rehab in custody battle. Yes, when K-Fed has the upper hand, you know things have hit rock bottom.
To top it all off, Spears had herself a horrible audition this week towards the remake of “Singing in the Rain”.
Don’t believe me? That’s fine. See for yourself how well Spears does with her umbrella.
Aniston shows two “Friends” near and dear to her heart.
Actually, she didn’t show them. They’re cut scenes from her movie with Vince Vaughn “The Break-Up”. A French magazine got a hold of them, scanned them and a few hours later, you have Aniston breasts all over the net. Bloggers have united in spreading the message that Jennifer Aniston is a woman. Imagine that.
Scientology could have saved Anna Nicole Smith! Where’s Xenu when you need him?
In an effort to stress the awe inspiring powers of Scientology, believer John Travolta has come on record in saying this wonderful religion could have saved Anna Nicole Smith from leaving the Earth! (Or as they refer to it, Teegeeack.). Yep, we have Tom Cruise giving womanly advice to Brook Shields last year and now we have this wonderful bit of Scientology survival advice. Where was Xenu in her time of need?
The Most Insane Job Hiring Technique of all Time.
So what is the strangest way to land a job?
Go to jail of course.
Yes, that’s right. Bobby Brown ( aka Whitney’s Husband) found himself in a Massachusetts jail for not paying $19,150 in back child support to his ex-girlfriend Kim Ward.
In exchange for the bond money, Bobby will be working for a week at the Washington, D.C.-based radio station Hot 99.5 WIHT-FM.
Three questions…
1.Is Bobby Brown worth this kind of money?
2.Was the contract for Bobby to not release any more albums?
3.Was his soon to be ex-Whitney off smoking the stash and too busy to be bothered in helping him?
When Bad Girls Can’t Drive:Episode VII!
Yes, now it’s time to talk about that “other” crazy girl that killed hormone induced teenagers fantasies over the past few years. Paris Hilton has herself another driving citation in her record. She’s going for the Guiness Record Book, folks.
The girl who was never good was pulled over late Tuesday night( 11 pm) supposedly on a DVD run after pulling out of the West Hollywood Virgin Megastore.
She was cited with driving with a suspended license and driving with her lights off.
Yes, driving with her lights off.
Does she see in spectravision? How the hell could she forget to turn her lights on?
For a person who’s driving with a suspended license, she sure knows how advertise “Hey, Coppers. I’m over here!”
It should also be mentioned that Paris’s “Year long Sexual Abstinence” is about to come to an end in March if the reports are true.
“Me and Paris and the girls are trying to stay single for one year. In March that’ll be up,” Hilton’s new BFF, Kim Kardashian said. “I’m a relationship kind of girl, but I think everyone needs a year in their life to be single.”
Oh dear lord…do I really have to say anything about that?
“Papa Don’t Preach” meant only your Grandfather, dear.
Madonna has become a prude. Check your mayan calender, Maniacs. It may have ended alittle earlier than expected. Yes, the woman who brought the book “Sex” to our pop culture has gone on public record on how her daughter will not be allowed to date until she is 18 years old.
“No boys for [Lourdes] until she turns 18,” the “Papa Don’t Preach” crooner says, according to WENN. “She’s a good girl, though. She doesn’t have it easy. Late-night TV, junk food and mess are not tolerated in my house.”
Riiiiiight.
No word yet on HOW this “No Date” policy will be enforced.
I would say handcuffs, chains, and leather straps are going to be utilized with this rule but seriously, we’re talking about the daughter, not Mommy.
Would you like to eat Stephen Colbert?
If you said yes, I advise you to check into a clinic and fast. Chop. Chop.
I’ll give you a sane alternative though. You can now eat Ice Cream created just for the former Daily Show road anchor.
The star of Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report” has his very own ice cream by Ben & Jerrys. The ice cream is called “The Americone Dream” .
“I’m not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda,” Colbert said in a statement. “What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case.”—Stephen Colbert.
No word yet if Stephen is going after the liberal biased soft drink agenda. Stay tuned, Maniacs.
That does it for this week’s edition of the Superficial Slobber. See you next week when more celebrities make effing fools of themselves. If you run across a funny or twisted bit of news, send them to me at our forum community Celebrity gossip threads. Later.
I'll be looking for that Americone Dream in the freezer section of my local grocery store!