Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

Greetings Cinescapers! It's Christmas time again and you know what that means! Right! It's sickeningly saccharine sentimentality and disgustingly delusional demonstrations of ideal families; at least as far as mass entertainment goes. On the other end of the spectrum there will always be the overly sarcastic statements of cynicism. When you consider the two, you realize that TV leaves viewers no choice but to avoid seasonal programs at all cost, it's just too far out into never-would-happen land.

But you know, we should thank TV for this because it allows us to spend time with that most precious of gifts, our family ... or in my case barflies.

Enough of that, let me tell you instead about my major score of the week! I've just received two screener copies of Paramount's syndicated show UNEXPLAINED MYSTERIES. Now I've just watched one, which was all about crop circles, and I have to tell you this is nothing more then fantasy posing as journalism!

But that's the fun of it all. These type of shows aren't going to make a buck backing the dorks at the Skeptical Inquirer. Filling their shows up with relevant information and balanced interviews would be ratings suicide. Besides scientific truth is bad for the economy, for every myth debunked means one less crystal sold at the head shop.

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, Fox) Repeat of the recent A CHRISTMAS CAROL rip-off episode. Mmmmmm .... Repeat.

THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS (8 pm, Nik) Timmy wishes he was his father's sports car. That night daddy's drinking smashes said car. Pistons everywhere. (Repeat)

EVERWOOD (9 pm, WB) A local mechanic is believed to have preposterous powers. (Repeat)

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) Horatio suspects an incarcerated individual to be responsible for recent violent rape. (Repeat)

THE SIMPLE LIFE (8:30 pm, FOX) The girls

The past two seasons of winners (and runners-up) come back for AN AMERICAN IDOL CHRISTMAS.

© Fox

AN AMERICAN IDOL CHRISTMAS (9 pm, FOX) For some heaven, for others hell.

THE FAR COUNTRY (10:10 pm, AMC) Excellent Jimmy Stewart/Anthony Mann western has our everyman actor playing a less then angelic cattleman pitted against corruption.

THE BACHELOR AND THE BOBBY-SOXER (10 pm, TCM) Cary Grant is forced by law to hook up with Shirley Temple.

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) The crew battles zombies. Gore on the level of a Lucio Fulci movie abounds, with plenty of ocular damage for good measure. (Repeat)

SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Jonathan gets superpowers from Jor-El and uses them to fight Clark. Next episode some kook claims to be Clark's mom. (Both Repeats)

JAKE 2.0 (9 pm, UPN) Jake starts hooking up with the bad guys' kids. (Repeat)

POWERPUFF GIRLS: 'TWAS THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (10 pm, MAX) The girls switch Santa's list, evil reaps the grandest rewards. (repeat)

THE SEARCHERS (8 pm, AMC) When

John Wayne stars in THE SEARCHERS.

© Warner Bros.

HERE COMES MR. JORDAN/A GUY NAMED JOE/THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT/CABIN IN THE SKY (8 pm, TCM) It's a block of men sent back from heaven to do this and that films. Everyone worth a watch! You go TCM!

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) The team discovers Robotic sports, immediately declare it "Too dull for words." (Repeat)

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A teenager disappears from a mental hospital. The head doctor's statement of "Only sane people can operate door knobs" is proved false. (Repeat)

JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) God tells Joan to learn how to play chess, as he has grown tired of her obsession with Minesweeper. (Repeat)

REBA (8 pm, WB) Reba discovers Kyra is planning to attend an unsupervised party. She decides Kyra's too dull for a parent to be concerned about this. (Repeat)

JAKE 2.0 (8 pm, UPN) Jake's origin story backed with one of those "hero has to battle a madman" episodes. (Both Repeats)

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Burt

Julie Andrews spins around and around and around again in THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

© Fox Home Entertainment

THE SOUND OF MUSIC (8 pm, ABC) The Hills are alive with the sounds of people watching this.

THE PINK PANTHER (8 pm, TMC) The film that introduced Inspector Clouseau, but is really about a Jewel Thief. Cute, but no A SHOT IN THE DARK.

TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) Cyborg builds a car. Wow. (Repeat)

TV GUIDE: GREATEST MOMENTS 2003 (7 pm, ABC) TV Guide once again selects the greatest television moments of the year and we are compelled to agree mindlessly.

THE BLUES BROTHERS (8 pm, Comedy) Jake and Elwood Blues are on a mission from God. Compared to the rest of the SNL inspired films this one is Oscar worthy.

CHARMED (8 pm, WB) Phoebe's charms start a barroom brawl. Second episode features the girls having their identities and powers stolen by some evil women. (Repeat)

SHALL WE DANCE/THE STORY OF VERNON & IRENE CASTLE (9 pm, ABC) Two of those Astaire/Rogers team ups. You know the deal: fair stories, incredible dancing and tremendous star power. Why not give them a twirl?

And that's the week that will be. I hope you all have had a wonderful winter solstice and an enjoyable holiday.