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I Hate Uwe Boll
By Pat Ferrara
December 03, 2007
"Opening Atlantis" by Harry Turtledove
© Roc Hardcover
Now I know this is a little off topic and Uwe Boll is an extremely easy target, but this weekend I saw a trailer for the upcoming IN THE NAME OF THE KING and I’ve gotta vent. It almost seems trendy now to hate the craptacular German director / producer / writer; at Blizzcon ’07 a sarcastic fan opted for Uwe Boll to direct the live-action Warcraft movie and was met with laughter, derision, and quietly murmured death threats.
And for good reason. Genre fans have had to put up with such stinkers as HOUSE OF THE DEAD, ALONE IN THE DARK, and the infamous BLOODRAYNE films during Boll’s quest to destroy as much source material as possible.
The Jason Statham helmed KING looks no different from the director’s other work: it’s another bloated adventure flick that undoubtedly plays better as a two minute trailer than a full-length feature film. I have to be thankful that Uwe Boll has so far only massacred game adaptations and not book translations, but his work within the fantasy, horror, and sci-fi genres has already been detrimental enough. I’m not saying that Chris Taylor’s Dungeon Siege is no good, or that games in general lack the narrative depth for movie adaptations (in fact I think some games are more than ripe for the big-screen treatment like Grim Fandango, the Half-Life & Diablo series, etc.), I’m merely saying Uwe Boll is probably the worst thing to come out of Germany since, well, you get the idea.
I truly believe the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter adaptations have elevated the fantasy genre to its rightful place as one of cinema’s biggest cash cow mediums, but I fear movies like IN THE NAME OF THE KING could sully the genre’s good name. With KING already being called a “cinematic abortion” by cinemablend.com, don’t ask me how this project ever got greenlit in the first place, let alone how it got approved for a $40 million budget or how it attracted such talent as Ray Liotta (or any of the cast for that matter).
What I understand even less though are how these properties get pushed through the pipeline when so many other good stories sit untouched. This week the Master of Alternative History Harry Turtledove releases Opening Atlantis on hardback, the first novel in a to-be-named new series. In Turtledove’s alternate world, which was previously cultivated in the short stories "Audubon in Atlantis" and "The Scarlet Band," the realm of Atlantis is actually the eighth continent on earth and is situated between Europe and America’s East Coast. This sounds like an innovative spin on an old legend, and with Turtledove’s sophisticated hand pulling the strings it seems like Opening Atlantis would make a great film with wide B.O. appeal. Yet for all of the author’s success in speculative fiction, not one of Harry Turtledove’s dozens of bestsellers has ever been made into a movie.
There is, however, still some hope for fantasy films. This weekend Philip Pullman’s The Golden Compass debuts in theatres and it’s only a short wait until Lewis’ Prince Caspian comes out in May. The WARCRAFT film and Naomi Novik’s dragons-in-the-Napoleonic-Wars saga TEMERAIRE are also both in the works for a slated 2009 release. But every time I see ads for a new movie like IN THE NAME OF THE KING I can’t help but shake my head and wonder. If studio execs want to jumpstart a fantasy franchise you don’t turn to Boll or a game like Dungeon Siege, you turn to the classics and contemporary masterpieces that have already pioneered the genre. You do what New Line Cinema and Walden Media did, you hit the books.
Unfortunately we’ll have to suffer through Uwe Boll’s upcoming FAR CRY (2008) and ALONE IN THE DARK II (2009) adaptations. Let’s just hope for a few more Boll box office bombs so this guy stops churning out silver screen vomit.
This week’s top picks: Opening Atlantis, Codex Alera: Captain’s Fury, & Gaunt’s Ghost: Only in Death
New in Hardcover:
Sister Time, John Ringo & Julie Cochrane (Baen Books)
Cally O'Neal is officially dead. In her over forty years of being an active secret agent she hasn't used her real name, much less spoken to her sister. So when Michelle interrupts an important mission, by seemingly appearing out of thin air, it's an unexpected reunion. This highly anticipated sequel to the New York Times best seller Cally's War features the return of Michelle O'Neal, the first human Sohon mentat. Sister Time is about life, love and covert operations amongst the universe's ultimate dysfunctional family. The ninth novel in the Posleen War series.
Opening Atlantis, Harry Turtledove (Roc Hardcover)
New York Times bestselling author Harry Turtledove has intrigued readers with such thought-provoking "what if..." scenarios as a conquered Elizabethan England in Ruled Britannia and a Japanese occupation of Hawaii in Days of Infamy and End of the Beginning. Now, in the first of a brand-new trilogy, he rewrites the history of the world with the existence of an eighth continent... Atlantis lies between Europe and the East Coast of Terranova. For many years, this land of opportunity lured dreamers from around the globe with its natural resources, offering a new beginning for those willing to brave the wonders of the unexplored land.
Gaunt’s Ghost: Only in Death, Dan Abnett (Games Workshop)
As the crusade to liberate the Sabbat Worlds continues, Colonel-Commissar Gaunt leads the Tanith First-and-Only into an unforgiving new warzone – the fortress world of Jago. As the enemy assaults increase in fury, Gaunt and his regiment must face the terror of the present alongside the ghosts of their past, for only in death does duty end. A novel set in Abnett’s Warhammer: Gaunt’s Ghost series.
The Lifehouse Trilogy, Spider Robinson (Baen Books)
Three novels complete in one volume: Mindkiller: Wireheads, addicted to an electric current fed into the pleasure centers of the brain, are the new junkies. Karen, a former wirehead who barely escaped death by pleasure, is determined to bring down those who sell the wireheading equipment, but she and her lover Joe instead turn up evidence of a shadowy global conspiracy—not to control the world, but to keep anyone from realizing that the masters of mind control have been controlling us all for some time now… Time Pressure: When a beautiful girl appeared in a globe of blue light in a snowbound forest and said she had come back in time, Sam thought it was the most wonderful thing that could possibly happen. But then he began to notice sinister things about her, and thought he would have to kill her to save the present. Except that there was a third possibility, and that really was the most wonderful thing that could possibly happen… Lifehouse: June Bellamy had gone for a walk in a park—and came back with memories missing. She didn't know that, but her partner could tell because she'd told her answering machine about strange people in the park. Now June and Paul are on the run from insidious superhumans who can edit their memories and track them down no matter where or how well they hide. They are desperate—but not nearly as desperate as their pursuers… Three suspenseful stories of people in incredible and desperate situations, all of them unknowingly involved in a secret that could mean the salvation of all humans who were alive, who would ever live, or who ever had lived…
Endless Blue, Wen Spencer (Baen Books)
Confronted by the threat of genocide at the hands of the alien Nefrim, humankind's only hope lies in Captain Mikhail Volkov's desperate mission to the Sargasso Sea in search of the mystery behind the long-lost spaceship Fenrir.
Mercernary, Mike Resnick (Pyr)
The date is 1968 of the Galactic Era, almost three thousand years from now. The Republic, created by the human race but not yet dominated by it, is in the midst of an all-out war with the Teroni Federation. Captain Wilson Cole, a man with a reputation for exceeding orders but getting results, found himself the victim of a media feeding frenzy, a political scapegoat despite years of dedicated military service. Faced with a court martial, he was rescued by the loyal crew of his ship, the Theodore Roosevelt. Branded mutineers, the Teddy R. has quit the Republic, never to return. Seeking to find a new life, Wilson Cole first remade the Teddy R. as a pirate ship plying the spaceways of the lawless Inner Frontier. But military discipline and honor were a poor match for a life of pillaging and plundering, and Cole's principles naturally limited his targets. Seeking a better way of life, the Teddy R. becomes a mercenary ship, hiring out to the highest bidder. Whether it's evacuating a hospital before war can reach it, freeing a client from an alien prison, or stopping a criminal cartel from extorting money from a terrified planet, the crew of the Teddy R. proves equal to the task. Along the way they form a partnership with the once human Platinum Duke, team up with a former enemy, and make the unique Singapore Station their headquarters.
But the life of a mercenary is not always predictable, and eventually circumstance pits Cole and the Teddy R. against his right-hand woman, the former Pirate Queen known as the Valkyrie. Soon the fragile trust that has grown between these two legends is put to the test as they find themselves on opposite sides of a job. The third Starship novel.
High Deryni, Katherine Kurtz (Ace Hardcover)
The fantasy classic-revised and expanded. New York Times bestselling Katherine Kurtz revisits the original trilogy of her career-launching Deryni Chronicles with this newly revised edition of High Deryni. Kelson Haldane sits upon the throne of Gwynedd- the first king of Deryni heritage, possessing extraordinary magical abilities, to do so in centuries. The priesthood of the Eleven Kingdoms decried the Deryni as witches and heretics generations ago, drove them underground, and usurped control of the kingdom. They have no intention of conceding their power-even if it means inciting civil war... A Chronicles of the Deryni novel.
Dark Aura, Diana O’Hehir (Berkley Hardcover)
New from the author of the highly acclaimed Murder Never Forgets. With her genre-bending mix of literary and crime fiction, Diana O'Hehir again plots a mystery as intricate as the inner workings of the mind. When an indigo child speaks, people listen. Allegedly radiating an unusual purplish glow, the extraordinary beings are mysterious and otherworldly. And when one of them, fifteen-yearold Tamina Kerry, falls off a ledge to her death, part-time Deputy Sheriff Carla Day investigates. Was her death an accident, suicide-or murder? Carla has experience with those who sometimes fall out of touch with reality, since her father, Professor Day, has early Alzheimer's. Like much of the town of Stanton Mills, California, he had befriended Tamina-but confused her with Ta-Ent, an ancient Egyptian mythical journeywoman among the dead. With her final breath, Tamina spoke of her baby, another indigo child-who had disappeared. Now Carla must rely on the word of a hysterical grandmother and a drug-addled young man claiming to be the baby's father-and search the recesses of her father's fading mind for whatever clues he can provide.
Codex Alera: Captain’s Fury, Jim Butcher (Ace Hardcover)
After two years of bitter conflict with the hordes of invading Canim, Tavi of Calderon, now Captain of the First Aleran Legion, realizes that a peril far greater than the Canim exists-the mysterious threat that drove the savage Canim to flee their homeland. Now, Tavi must find a way to overcome the centuries-old animosities between Aleran and Cane if an alliance is to be forged against their mutual enemy. And he must lead his legion in defiance of the law, against friend and foe--or no one will have a chance of survival… Book four in the Codex Alera series.
Burnt Offerings, Laurell K. Hamilton (Berkley Hardcover)
In Laurell K. Hamilton's New York Times bestselling novels, it's often hard to tell the good from the evil. Just ask Anita Blake. She seems to be developing a soft spot in her heart for vampires-one in particular. So, when an arsonist's fires begin licking at St. Louis's undead, it's up to Anita to save the very monsters she's sworn to destroy.
The Annotated Elminster Collector’s Edition, Ed Greenwood (Wizards of the Coast)
A look inside the mysterious mind of Ed Greenwood! The Annotated Elminster collects the first three of Ed Greenwood's classic Elminster novels: Elminster: The Making of a Mage, Elminster in Myth Drannor, and The Temptation of Elminster for the first time in a deluxe omnibus edition. Extensive annotations by the author will provide fascinating insight into not only the books themselves but the process of creation that made the Forgotten Realms world this generation's greatest fantasy setting. These three books chronicle the early years of the Realms' most powerful and most colorful wizard, the Sage of Shadowdale, Elminster. Follow Elminster from his humble beginnings as a traveling mage to the tragic collapse of an elven empire, and on to a personal turning point that could have sent him down a path to corruption and darkness.
New in Paperback:
Mechwarrior: The Last Charge, Jason M. Hardy (Roc)
The epic saga continues: Anson Marik is at his wit's end. The Lyrans are pressing on his borders. His chief tactician has resigned. And his abilities as a leader are failing him. Now his enemies are on the move, taking the Commonwealth planet by planet, forcing Marik to pull his forces back in a bravely-fought running retreat. And if Marik cannot gather his strength to stop the invasion, his people will be doomed... A Mechwarrior: Dark Age novel.
Knighthood of the Dragon, Chris Bunch (Roc)
Dragonmaster Hal Kalais leads three squadrons of Deraine's forces in a combined land and air assault to push the enemy back to their capital and end the war once and for all. But Hal is wounded and captured during the battle. Now, bound to a prison castle by dark sorcery, Hal plans a daring escape to secure not only his freedom, but also the freedom of his people... Book two in the Dragonmaster Trilogy.
The Future We Wish We Had, Ed. by Martin H. Greenberg & Rebecca Lickiss (DAW)
The future holds endless possibilities... Here are 16 intriguing visions of tomorrow. Features stories by: Esther M. Friesner, Brenda Cooper, Kevin J. Anderson, P. R. Frost, Mike Resnick and James Patrick Kelly, Lisanne Norman, Dean Wesley Smith, Irene Radford, Kristine Kathryn Rusch and more. For all of those who thought that by now that they'd be driving along the skyways in their own personal jet car, who assumed that humans would have established bases on the Moon and Mars, or that diseases would have been conquered, the aging process slowed to a crawl, and war eliminated along with social injustice-here are 16 stories of futures that might someday be reality.
The Blue-Haired Bombshell, John Zakour (DAW)
The world's last freelance detective, Zach Johnson, must find the assassin who murdered Sexy Sprocket and two other members of the World Council. His investigation leads him to the Moon-and to a tall, sensuous, blue-haired beauty named Lea who possesses psychic powers, and powerful ambitions...
Gaunt’s Ghost: The Armour of Contempt, Dan Abnett (Games Workshop)
The Imperial crusade, including Gaunt's Ghosts, are sent back to the planet Gereon to join forces with the Imperial defenders and liberate the planet from Chaos. However, the brutality of the 'liberation' pitches Gaunt into opposition with his commanders, who believe victory must be achieved at any price, no matter how cruel. A Warhammer: Gaunt’s Ghost novel.
Mina, Marie Kiraly (Berkley Trade)
First time in trade-the Dracula legend continues in a novel "destined to become a literary classic." In Bram Stoker's immortal novel, Mina Harker became a living, breathing object of obsession- only to fall prey to her stalker's seductive powers. There was only one way to save her soul-by destroying the life of Count Dracula, the creature who controlled and consumed her. But was the spell really broken? Could Mina return to the ordinary turns of a day, and to the restraints of a Victorian marriage, after the pleasures of such exquisite darkness?
Lady of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley (Roc)
Like the inhabitants of the mystical Avalon, readers of Lady of Avalon will feel they have been transported to another world - a world of myth, magic, romance, and history. This novel spans the creation of Avalon itself and foreshadows the birth of the legendary King Arthur. Here, we meet three remarkable holy women who steer the fortunes of Roman Britain as they struggle with their own destinies. Caillean retreats to the island of Avalon with a small band of priestesses. There she establishes a sisterhood to serve the Great Goddess, raises the heir to the mystic royal line, and veils Avalon from a hostile world in its everlasting mists. The astute Dierna guides Avalon through treacherous political waters by marrying a young priestess to a Roman general ... only to discover that love - especially her own - cannot be so easily controlled. Ana gives birth to a baby girl who will be the mother of the great King to come. But it is her beautiful and feisty oldest daughter, Viviane, who is destined for true greatness - as the famed Lady of the Lake and guardian of the Grail.
Warhammer: Hour of the Daemon, Aaron Rosenberg (Games Workshop)
Alaric and Dietz have one last chance to track down the daemon and destroy it before it materialises and lays waste to the civilised world. This time, their journey takes them into the dark heart of the Grey Mountains, where they must face a savage horde of beastmen and their mutated ruler. Even with the help of their allies, the wood elves, how can our heroes ever hope to triumph against such impossible odds?
Dragon Outcast: The Age of Fire, E.E. Knight (Roc Trade)
Dragon Outcast continues E.E. Knight's thrilling fantasy series about a brood of young dragon siblings-each unique, each powerful, and each fated to battle the other to the end. Here, the darkest of the dragons is introduced as he strives to make himself the strongest-and the last-of his brethren...
The Blue Sword, Robin McKinley (Ace Trade)
From the New York Times bestselling author of Sunshine and The Outlaws of Sherwood-now in trade paperback. This is the story of Harry Crewe, the Homelander orphan girl who became Harimad-sol, King's Rider, and heir to the Blue Sword, Gonturan, that no woman had wielded since the Lady Aerin herself bore it into battle.
Okay Maniac readers that’ll do it for this week’s edition of the Buzz. Check back next Monday for all the latest info on current sci fi, fantasy, and horror releases. Questions or comments? Hit me up at Pferrara.mania@gmail.com.
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