If I Ruled Anime... - Mania.com

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If I Ruled Anime...

By His Lordship Chaos     -

Once again, life proves it can never a simple thing. I mean, one can understand if some naughty Boomer runs amok in downtown Tokyo and decides to blow up everything in sight. That's a normal thing.

Likewise it's understandable if some sort of pesky demon invasion erupts in the Ginza ward as a horde of youma want to pillage and plunder and prune the hedges of the world. This sort of thing happens on a near daily basis.

Any regular resident of Tokyo merely glances over their shoulder at the latest guy in a big rubber monster suit stomping on all the buildings like they were cans meant to be recycled, and then yawns.

After all, how cliché can one get? It's all been done before.

But what about the megalomaniac o' the week trying to take over the world? Sure, you can decide the fate of the future by holding a bunch of Utena-esque duels and make a lot of fancy moves with a sword...but where's the fun in that, I ask you.

Besides, me and pointy objects do not mix well. How many times have we seen the evil Anime overlord get run through by one of their own weapons? Granted there are a few exceptions, such as when Tamahome took down Nakago. But let's face the facts: it's not exactly easy to dodge a fist through the chest.

[His lordship Chaos is abruptly stomped on by dozens of irate Fushigi

Yugi fans who now scorn him for spoiling the ending!]

SD Chaos: @.@ [itaaaaaiii!!] "First point of business: no more otaku are allowed to tour my palace."

Perhaps now's a good time to make note of the following: I am not insane. First, I beg to differ that I ever was sane to begin with. And second...I know exactly what I'm doing. It might not seem like it now, but you must work with me here, people! Work with me! We have to think practical when taking over the Anime world!

Now naturally, since I am assuming the role of the megalomaniac o' the week, I am not about to fall into the usual perils and pitfalls that more often than not result in me being vaporized into itty bitty pieces. There's nothing more demeaning than having to leave your legacy in a jar.

Megalomaniacs are generally some of the most misunderstood characters in Anime. Sure they want to take over the world, but who hasn't wanted to do that every now and again...and have even the most powerful fighters from Dragonball Z submissively bow before your mightiness...as you sit with a harem of the cutest Anime babes ever, who are (naturally) scantily-clad to provide the obligatory fanservice bit...and devour a feast that would only act as an appetizer for Lina Inverse?

[blink blink!] Oh, gomen! I seen to be drooling here. Can I get a bib for this rant? Ano...now I've forgotten what we were talking about.

Oh, yes! Anime megalomaniacs. You certainly get your colourful cast of people (usually) bent on ruling the world, ranging from Street Fighter II's M. Bison to Giant Robo's Big Fire and right on down to Sailor Moon's Galaxia. Ha! Got you with that last one, ne? Yes, even females can become evil overlords. It's not just a Y chromosome thing.

Now the first problem the megalomaniac in Anime faces is the group of heroes who rebel against the regime. Apparently they have a problem with someone like me dictating whimsical commands from my bubble bath (complete with rubber Psyducky). Since these rebels generally are the Anime's title heroes, it is evident that I as the token megalomaniac will suffer humiliating losses each week.

And this is namely due to the fact that I have inept underlings. Let's face it: conquering the world is one thing. Finding good help is the killer. Now I would settle this entire problem with a most simple plan: if it is evident my adversaries (to make things easier, let us call the standard gaggle of heroes "Captain Bob Stupendous and his Caterpillars of Doom") live in a particular city--which coincidentally happens to be the city I'm trying to lay first strike on--I won't bother wasting time and obviously no-talented warriors/pajama-clad ninja/youma on them.

Here's a novel idea: why don't we just cut our losses, and use the latest mecha from our vaults to annihilate the city? If one is an evil overlord, one must always keep a mad scientist handy. After all, creating warped yet slightly-functional mobile suits or robots, and having delusions of grandeur, hardly ever mix well. The Anime becomes shaky, not stirred.

I want to be realistic about my goals for world domina...aw, who are we kidding? The world never matters. It's always Tokyo that must be captured and ruled! Nothing else matters! Why? I once again chalk it up to the Tokyo Tower, lightening rod for attracting evil that it is.

But I'm digressing.

Anyhoo, in order to keep a properly deranged outlook on assuming control of Tokyo (and wiping out that pesky Bob Stupendous & his Caterpillars of Doom), I cannot be involved my mecha at the same time. That way, if the mecha o' the week screws up and starts to dance the Macarena, I don't have to blame myself. That's the job of the mad scientist.

But in all honesty, why would one choose a heavily populated city to begin their conquest for world domination? I mean, if your mecha or stupid-looking youma get their butts kicked on a weekly basis in this city...wouldn't one tend to think that Tokyo might not be the best place to start a conquest?

Now if I were the megalomaniac, I would fancy starting my conquest with Antarctica. First off, I can train the inhabitants to become my troops; how many people would ever see coming a battalion of paratrooper penguins landing in the middle of Tokyo? And second, it makes for the perfect base of operations. Barring that, it makes for a great target for the funny-looking Mecha o' Mass Destruction.

Who cares if the aiming mechanism is a little off? You're still going to hit the continent. Although if you don't, I recommend you fire your Dr. Wily look-alike, mad scientist. But I'm sure some of you are wondering how much damage Antarctica could do. Won't the forces of good simply shake their heads at me taking over a continent populated with penguins? Paratrooper reserves aside though, Antarctica does hold devastating potential.

Need I remind anyone out there of Evangelion? Second Impact took out the southern-most continent entirely--and look at how screwed up the rest of the world was! Those Angels knew what they were doing...though I'm still trying to figure out just what the writers were up to when they wrote those End of Eva movies.

Ah, but I rant!

So now we come to armies. Generally you get one of the following:

youma (disturbingly expendable), ninjas (just as disturbingly expendable), or martial arts warriors who make a lot of hooting sounds and are just there to look impressive (still disturbingly expendable). Now if I were the evil megalomaniac, I'd have a crack platoon of attack carnivorous butterflies as my army. After all, no one ever suspects the butterfly!

MWA HAH AH HA HAH HAH HAH HA !!! <--evil overlord cackle Mk. II

But seriously, if I had to create something that would destroy any and all Anime resistance, it could be none other than this: an army of maniacally laughing, Gainax-bouncing, Naga clones. "Wait a minute?!" you interject. "I read your Pokemon rant! I know what the Nagamon did to everyone. How do you expect to stop the Naga clones from driving even you insane?"

The answer is a simple one: send in the Jigglypuffs! While those singing Pokemon lull everyone into a snooze and face paint all my adversaries (thus demoralizing them so much that they decide to become Buddhist monks with shaved heads), I merely walk off with whatever I want as I snugly install my earplugs.

And so, as I make my political run for tyrannical dictator of the world for life (which won't be so bad since I'm going to find some sort of ancient Shinto incantation to make me immortal), I must realize that alternate universes can also lead to my unwitting demise.

The Bugrom got it that way in El Hazard, Dornkirk and the Zaibach empire went down thanks to Hitome in Escaflowne, and last but certainly not least, Zagato (who really can't be called a true evil overlord) met his demise at the hands of the Magic Knights.

However...Cephiro's resident demonic marshmallow-thingy, Mokona, is the god of that world. I thus argue: no wonder it's collapsing! And so we come to the end of yet another self-gratuitous ranting segment. Remember: vote for your local Anime megalomaniac today! After all, we know what you want.

We know what you need.

We know where you live.


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