Idol Singers: Menace with A Microphone -

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Idol Singers: Menace with A Microphone

By His Lordship Chaos     -

Anyone ever see that scene in Aliens where the Marines go down to Sublevel 3 of the Processing Plant, only to suddenly have their motion sensors go off? Through brief glimpses, one sees the vicious Aliens stirring to life and closing the circle around these hapless freedom fighters.

Now then, throw a mecha or robot of some kind into the mix, and you've got how I tend to feel when confronted with the harsh reality of Anime idol singers: load guns, start firing, and pray that I don't run out of ammo. Barring that, I scream like a girl and flee in terror.

Idol singers. Like 'em or not, they're a fact of life. You know who these girls are: young ladies who sing their hearts out with gushy romantic songs, and wear some of the strangest on-stage costumes I have ever seen. Sometimes I swear a peacock exploded on them. That, or else their skirt balloons so far out, I expect them to get caught up in a draft and disappear into the rafters.

If I might go on a tangent, I note an exception being Ishtar from Macross II. Her choice of wardrobe consisted of transparent body stocking. And in all honesty, if all idol singers dressed like this, I'd probably be right in the front row of every performance. But since that's not going to happen anytime in the near future, let's continue with our ranting, shall we?

Idol singers are cute, innocent and so starry-eyed you'd be blinded if you looked directly at them. Which is why I'm wearing sunglasses as I write this. And ensuring my diabetes hasn't kicked in again. Yes, if all of Anime was a bunch of table condiments, idol singers are the 100% percent sugar. Which leaves me wondering why I didn't just stick with the mayonnaise.

There are a lot of idol singers out there, and like the electric pickle or the run-amok Boomer in Tokyo, you just can't rid of them.

You have the Jamming Birds from Macross 7, the Idol Defense Force Hummingbirds, Creamy Mami (not to be confused with any hentai innuendo over just how "creamy" she is), Megazone 23's Eve, and the ever immortal Lynn Minmay from SDF Macross.

In a way, idol singers are the female equivalent to mobile suit pilots: anyone older than 16 need not apply. Which explains how you get virtually every idol singer appearing in Animes with a high mecha content. Coincidence? I think not. Now if we should hook the bubbly singing gals up with those brooding male pilots of the same age, I figure we've got a dysfunctional match made in heaven...or else somewhere next to the rings of Saturn.

So then, you've got girls who range from being prepubescent (yet having impossibly long & supple legs) to either 15 or 16 years old.

That naturally attracts the male audience, who swarm around the idol singer o' the Mecha Anime and show their support by waving little glowing rods in the air. I simply shrug and say it's an idol singer otaku thing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sailor battle fuku I must don.

And what of their songs? Personally I suspect that their music has hidden messages piggybacking the soundwaves, carrying with them hypnotic suggestions that causes anyone in the audience to become a rabid fan. Again, if that whole transparent body stocking costume was in effect for a curvaceous singer of a 17+ age, I wouldn't object all that much to being brainwashed.

But that's just me.

One thing I've noticed with many an idol singer--aside from how they're so innocently kawaii & naive, thus making me want to hurl my Pocky--is their romantic, sugary diabetic-inducing lyrics. The entire premise of the Macross saga is that music will win over all in the end, and stop the wars between human & alien. If idol singers were magical girls (and some of them have been), their songs in essence become their spiels and weapons of love and justice.

Now this is probably the Y chromosome in me speaking, but do I really want to see the Zentradi forces be stopped by Lynn Minmay's singing? Maybe if she was *that* bad a singer--which she admittedly isn't. But I fail to see the plausibility in how alien invasions can be halted by a romantic jingle. You guys have Valkyries, don't you? Use the damn things!!


Ah, but I rant.

Of course there is the obvious exception to the uber-kawaii, teenage idol girl. And she is none other than Macross Plus' Sharon Apple. This computer-generated holographic singer can be essentially whatever you want her to be, which is quite the refreshing change. Then again...Sharon does have a slight glitch that causes her to try to kill the man she falls in love with--and everyone else in the near vicinity of him too.

Interesting fact here: half of all existing idol singers may be cute, but they have a psychotic streak in them that makes B-ko's declarations of war look like hissy fits.

But what about Key, the Metal Idol? She just squeaks by the age limit

(Key's stats list her age as 17), but just when has anyone ever seen her cute and bubbly personality? Key's status of being a "robot" is certainly unique; we never even see Key blink, let alone laugh or cry.

(Note the admirable avoidance of spoilers! ^^) That's a plus in my books, which is why I like Key a lot more than most other idol singers. Then again...there is that freakish psychic blast she does every few episodes.

But in all honesty, if it came down to me supporting Key or Sharon Apple, give me the Metal Idol. She might be psychotic on a psychic level...but at least she's not out to kill me. At least I think she's not out to do that.

Now, some of you by now would point out Basara, the male idol singer from Macross 7. The guy with the Dragonball Z hairstyle and John Lennon glasses...who battles invading Proto-devil forces in a Valkyrie armed with an electric guitar and speakers. He's certainly a notable and worthy exception of the idol singer cliché, ne?

^-^ Aha haaaaaa...I'm still waiting for a Gundam to show up and shoot him down.

So there you have it: idol singers of the future unite and sing your high-pitched, cutesy songs to save the universe. As for me, I'm heading for a GENOM-ruled Tokyo to catch the latest cyberpunk hit from Priss and the Replicants. Let's see one of those idol singer girls twirl around and chant cheerful little romance ditties while inside a hardsuit, and kicking the crap out of a Boomer.

Now that's my kinda idol! ^-^


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