Greetings Cinescapers! How was your weekend? Fingers still broken? Must be cause I didn't receive a letter from you all week. What's a matter? Don't have time to send your favorite TV commentator a little love note, a letter of compliment, a dead rat?! Guess not. Guess you're too busy being the coolest person in the world. Yeah, you heard me, I'm telling it straight.
We're all talking about you behind your back. You think you're the toughest Cinescape reader out there... well, guess again.
Oh, is it getting hot in here or are you just burning up with rage?
It's the latter, cause I'm cool as a cucumber and you're turning hotter than a Cajun pickle dropped in liquid jalapeno.
Oh, can't take it? Want to fight? Well, let me take off my SUPERMAN: THE MOTION PICTURE commemorative jean jacket, signed by Gene Hackman and Ned Beatty, to allow enough leverage for my wonder twin fists to give your face some 70 mph kisses.
Oh yeah, yeah, I'm that hardcore.
Idiocy aside, it's summer hours on TV, which means lots of repeats and reliance on under-watched channels (QVC anyone?) for entertainment. I'd recommend going out and renting a film, but it's been so hot lately. What's up with that?
Angry about any of the above? Don't tell it behind my back - write it to my face at email@example.com.
MONDAY, JUNE 2
STARGATE SG-1 (7 pm, 3) Team brings disease to a planet. Inhabitants wish they would have brought cake instead. 4) Invisible aliens plan bad things for man, block televisions everywhere with non-stop re-runs of MEN BEHAVING BADLY. (Repeats)
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) When Spongebob orders fake arms he gets fake handshakes. Fake handshakes result in fake feelings, fake feelings result in fake worldview, and fake worldview results in Paxil. Real Paxil allows Spongebob to rediscover his old self. Old self mad at being neglected, chaos ensues. (Repeat)
SABRINA, DOWN UNDER (8 pm, FAM) With that title, I'm surprised this is on the Family Channel.
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) An environmental lawyer gets radiation poisoning after an investigation. We can feel bad because it's an "environmental" lawyer and not a "regular" lawyer. Episode title "Dead Women Walking" is yet another tasteless CSI: MIAMI. (See last week's "Forced Entry" for comparison.) (Repeat)
TUESDAY, JUNE 3
EVIL (7 pm, SCI-FI) Leave it to the Sci-Fi Channel to give us four hours of documentaries on a subjective subject. Featuring such "evil" things as Duk-duks, Aboriginal bone-pointing, chemical weapons, cannibals and comedian/actor Robin Williams.
AFI'S 100 YEARS... 100 HEROES & VILLIANS: AMERICA'S GREATEST SCREEN CHARACTERS (8 pm, CBS) Another pointless list from the American Film Institute that will cater to contemporary tastes and a superficial love of film. (Believe me, us Cinema Ubergeeks know!) Having it hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger tells us this is a thinly veiled advertisement for TERMINATOR 3.
SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Clark's teacher, who just happens to be sexy, uses chemicals to get Lex to marry her, because nobody sane would want to marry a sexy woman. (Repeat)
KEEN EDDIE (9 pm, FOX) When a New York detective bungles a drug bust, he gets sent to England, teaching Americans everywhere that it pays to f*** up on the job. Series premiere. Next week, series finale.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN), When the Enterprise docks at a "spooky" space station, weird things are experienced by the crew. Plot lifted from a SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU? rerun. ("...and I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling Romulans.") (Repeat)
ENTER THE DRAGON (8 pm, AMC) People say this is Bruce Lee's best work, people who've never seen him play Kato, but I tell you this film is all John Saxon.
CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS (8 pm, WE) True, Woody Allen never made a serious film he didn't steal (i.e. STARDUST MEMORIES = 8 1/2, SWEET AND LOWDOWN = LA STRADA, CASINO ROYALE = pile of crap, etc.), but that doesn't mean he can't make a damn good movie every now and then. This one concerning the lack of cinematic/karmic justice in the world is one of
THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1) Young guy who blacks out may be an assassin - plot steals from THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE. 2) Woman solves husband's murder with help of ghost glasses. Argh!!!! (Repeat)
THURSDAY, JUNE 5
DEATH WISH (9 pm, TNN) Charles Bronson plays a bleeding heart liberal until his wife and daughter are brutally assaulted, then he plays hoodlum-baiting vigilante. As far as thinly veiled westerns go, this is pretty darn good.
KINDERGARTEN COP (9 pm, CBS) "It's not a tumor." There you have it, best line in the film. Best scene: When Arnold kills a young boy's father and the boy thanks him. Yep.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) When a premier chef is murdered, McDonald's has to close down for a few days. (Repeat)
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A pregnant woman disappears only to be found at restaurant serving pickle and anchovy ice cream. (Repeat)
FRIDAY, JUNE 6
FRATERNITY VACATION (8 pm, FAM) Somebody please tell me why this R-rated sex comedy is on the Family Channel?
INSPECTOR GADGET (8 pm, DISN) I'm listing this cause there is nothing on tonight. Film grossed about $100 million so it must be good.
EXCESS BAGGAGE (8:15 pm, MAX) Remember when the world thought Alicia Silverstone would be a big star? This film sunk that boat.
SATURDAY, JUNE 7
OVERBOARD (8 pm, TNT) Treatment of amnesia is an offense to medical practitioners everywhere. Film shows that as long as kidnappers are widowers with wonderful children we'll root for them regardless of whatever deviant sexual undercurrent underlies their actions. One of cable's biggest ratings draws
CARRIE (8 pm, NBC) Television version of Stephen King's novel is one of the biggest laughfests of 2002.
THE BAD NEWS BEARS (8 pm, FAM) Remember the days when comedians didn't mug, and sports films could have the spotlighted team lose? If not, refresh your memory with this delightful Walter Matthau film and say to yourself, "Andrew's right, comedians don't have to tell me they're funny... Jim Carrey, you suck. BRUCE ALMIGHTY my left..."
JAWS (8 pm, AMC) Alright, I will concede that this is an American Movie Classic.
SUNDAY, JUNE 8
SHARK ATTACK 2 (7 pm, SCI-FI) You'd think after the first one, they'd have gotten out of the water.
FUTURAMA (7 pm, FOX) Leela is hurled into an alternate universe in which FUTURAMA has not been cancelled.
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Flanders takes a sexy star around town, and just like Flanders, winds up having sex with her in the back of a jeep. (Repeat)
FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (8 pm, UPN) A Tarantino scripted vampire film filled with cult actors from '70s and '80s horror films couldn't fail, but this one does. Too stylized to create concern for central characters, becomes a dime store action film that takes place in two rooms. Boring.
"And so dear friends/you just have to carry on/the dream is over" (from "God" by John Lennon, Singer/Songwriter/Actor/Whiner/Dead Guy)
I don't know what the above is supposed to mean, but Rolling Stone gave the album it's from 5 stars. Personally my ex-Beatle of choice is Paul McCartney. I like my rock stars to be free of erratic inconsistent political agendas and insecure posturing.
Oh yeah, I'm telling it hardcore!
Want to fight about it, drop a line to firstname.lastname@example.org. What are you afraid of, chicken?
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.