TV Wasteland

Brendan Fraser and Arnold Vosloo face the Scorpion King in The Mummy Returns.
© 2001 Universal

Internet Failure Article

By: Andrew Hershberger
Date: Monday, February 09, 2004

Based on Actual Television Shows

Greetings Cinescapers! This week due to internet trouble I'm forced to keep my fool mouth shut, much to the delight of my millions of readers.*

While I would like to post the answers to Matthew A. Reed's posed question, ("Given the recent success of books faithfully being adapted for the big screen, what books would [you] like to see made into TV series?") from last week, I feel that given the rushed nature of this article, I would fail to do it justice.

So in the meantime if you'd like to throw a book or an author's work my way please do so by writing me at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.

Until next week, let it be known that I love each and every one of you.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9

THE FAIRLY ODD PARENTS (8 pm, Nik) Timmy wishes for so much crap his friends think him

Affleck as DAREDEVIL

a coprophiliac.

THE MUMMY RETURNS (8 pm, ABC) Unfortunately.

EVERWOOD (9 pm, WB) Emphram thinks Madison wants to get "busy" with him. Fool.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A fire reveals a corpse while creating new ones.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10

KWAIDAN (6 pm, IFC) Four Japanese ghost stories. One advises against confessing things to your wife. Ain't that the truth!

WHEN STAND UP COMICS RULED THE WORLD (8:30 pm, VH1) Documentary

The cast of The WB's EVERWOOD.

explores the manic stage of comedy, in which the comedian is filled with delusions of grandeur. The flip side of this mania will be explored later in a far more harrowing offering WHEN STAND UP COMICS HAD PROFOUND FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS.

DAREDEVIL (9 pm, HBO) Gaze upon the hell the success of SPIDER-MAN hath wrought.

24 (9:00 pm, FOX) 1 am 2 am. Jack lectures somebody on the responsibilities of being a CTU agent. The lecture takes too long. Jack neglects his duty. The world ends.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) An

Archer interrogates an alien to uncover secrets about the Xindi weapon in "Harbinger".

investigation of a rescued alien is disrupted by a feud. Meanwhile in the romantic subplot T'Pol confesses her feelings to a certain special someone. Aw.

SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Pete's life is threatened after he intentionally loses a race. Hope he's got some superhero friend to help him out of this one.

ANGEL (9 pm, FOX) During WWII Angel was helping out our boys.

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD (10 pm, TCM) According to my TV guide, this "greatest story" only gets two stars. That doesn't sound too great to me.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12

THE LONGEST DAY (8 pm, AMC)

Tru (Eliza Dushku) and her new pal Luc (Matthew Bomer) look for clues to a serial killer's whereabouts in "Valentine".

And it will feel even longer with all of AMC's commercial interruptions.

TRU CALLING (8 pm, FOX) A serial killer is loose on St. Valentine's Day just like in MY BLOODY VALENTINE and VALENTINE. That is so cool.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) During an investigation of a grocery story robbery that left several dead, one of the team steals a package of Twinkies.

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A 12-year-old boy, last seen in a lavatory, disappears. While investigating, one of the team steals a roll of toilet paper.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13

JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) When Adam asks a classmate to a concert, Joan gets jealous. You'd think God would tell her everything will be alright.

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCIFI) A deadly new creature appears. Well, it was new when this episode first aired. (Repeat)

STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCIFI) The president sends a documentary crew to film at the Stargate Command base. The stoic resolve of the team dissolves as they fight it out for camera time. Part one of two.

REBA (8 pm, WB) Kyra punches a classmate. Alright, a cat fight. Meow!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14

A CHARLIE BROWN VALENTINE (8 pm, ABC) Perennial loser

A CHARLIE BROWN VALENTINE.

Charlie Brown asks a girl to the St. Valentine's Day dance. Being as this is a later offering in the Charlie Brown special series, things work out more in Mr. Brown's favor. The chief complaint is, that while it's nice that "even losers have to win sometimes," it negates the core idea of Mr. Brown as the personification of unwavering human kindness in the face of grotesque abuse. At least that's what the drunk guy on the bus thought.

FATAL ATTRACTION (8 pm, BRAVO) A guy cheats on his wife and his wife kills "the other woman."

TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) Robin takes a villain's daughter to the prom, shows her good guys can be bad too.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30, NBC) I don't know who will be hosting, I only know it will be the greatest Saturday Night Live episode ever!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15

CHARMED (8 pm, WB) The girls free a genie who turns out to be a meanie.

RAISING ARIZONA (8 pm, IFC) Five words: "I'm talking about wife swapping." Now watch the damn film.

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Milhouse reinvents himself after he's relocated to Capital City.

ALIAS (8 pm, ABC) Sloane is asked to see a psychiatrist, cause he's crazy like that.

I have not time for small talk, I must run. Please write me at Tvwasteland@cinescape.com

*When I say millions, it is certainly in jest. The actual amount of readership is more in the line of billions, closer to trillions.

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.

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