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A HOT MESS

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                                                       A HOT MESS
                                                 Stageplay by Dalton

Ryan – 19, Voice Over: dramatic, MSNBC-special narrator; On Stage: whacked out
Boxer Shorts – Since Last Christmas, grizzled old laborer

Lights up on left side of stage. Ryan is lying in bed wearing nothing more than boxer shorts, sweating profusely and squirming. Music Cue: Dramatic True-Crime music, like a MSNBC documentary – menacing and urgent. 

                              RYAN (v.o.)
     My name is Ryan, and the last time I shit my pants I was 19 years
     old. This is my story. It begins the summer after high school, in
     a slumland apartment I shared with my roommate Picard. He was at
     work, and I was lying on my bed, half-stoned off weed and Robotussin,
     in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts.

Lights down on Ryan. Lights up on right side of stage: a pair of grungy boxer shorts clothes-pinned to a chair.

                              BOXER SHORTS (v.o.)
     You can call me Hanes, you can call me Calvin, or you can call me
     retard – just don’t call me Fruit of the Loom, dammit. Cuz I ain’t no
     fruit. It takes a man of conviction and strength to do this job. Someone
     good under pressure, a thinker – I’m always in the hot seat. Hell,
     I am the damned hot seat. (Beat.) What do you know about it? When’s
     the last time you spent 63 hours hugging a man’s junk?

Lights down on Boxer Shorts. Lights up on Ryan in bed, restless, fighting sickness.

                              RYAN (v.o.)
     I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a temperature of 103 degrees.
     In retrospect, I was hallucinating mildly. Convinced my body was
     a battlestation connected by pneumatic tubes to other battlestations
     spread throughout the apartment – I feared the offensive my living
     room had just launched. Collision imminent.

Onstage, Ryan lurches forward into a sitting position.

                              RYAN
     Damn you upholstered fascists!

Ryan falls back into bed. 

                              RYAN (v.o.)
     Suddenly, I felt the peculiar need to crack one off. Half-stoned and
     fighting a war against my furniture, I obliged.

Lights down on Ryan. Lights up on Boxer Shorts.

                              BOXER SHORTS
     Something’s definitely wrong with my guy. He’s talking to himself
     again. Wait, what was that? I thought I just heard (beat) a rumble.

All lights down. Suddenly, there is a gigantic WET FARTING NOISE. It is gratuitous. Lights up on Ryan, laying on his back with his legs in the air.

                              RYAN (v.o.)
     The fart had went on for longer than I expected. Interestingly, it
     brought with it a warm, lasting sensation in the seat of my –

Quck lights up on Boxer Shorts. Red flashing lights, squealing sirens.

                              BOXER SHORTS
     –aaaarrgh! Defcon 5! I repeat, my guy has sharted!!–

Quick lights down on Boxer Shorts. Ryan remains on the bed, head lolling.

                               RYAN (v.o.)
     The warm, lasting sensation began to pool in the seat of my underpants,
     then, when my seat reached it’s capacity, there was an overflow–

Quick lights up on Boxer Shorts. 

                              BOXER SHORTS
     Oh christ, it’s leakin’! It’s fuckin’ leakin’! Goo!

Quick lights down on Boxer Shorts.

                              RYAN (v.o.)
     As the warmness began to creep down my thighs, I knew there was
     little time. I had four more inches of boxer short runway before
     I was looking at an upgrade of shitting the bed. I had to act fast.
     But half-stoned on ‘tussin and weed, I felt more like laying
     there. That’s when he showed up...

The bedroom door is kicked open and Steve Wilkos emerges from the doorway, glaringly bald, carrying a microphone and a scowl. He looks down at Ryan with contempt.

                               STEVE WILKOS
     What do ya think yuh doin’, tuff guy? 

                               RYAN
     Who are you?

                               STEVE WILKOS
     I’m Steve Wilkos, ya jagoff.

                               RYAN
     The bald guy from “Jerry Springer”?

                               STEVE WILKOS
     No, da talk show host. You make me sick. Did you molest dose kids?

                                RYAN
     What? No!

Steve Wilkos bends over and shoves his face inches away from Ryan’s.

                                 STEVE WILKOS
     You ‘ave da (beat.) AUDACITY (beat.) to come onto my show
     and LIE TO ME?! Tell da truth! Did you molest dose kids?!?!

                                  RYAN
     No, Steve Wilkos! I swear! I don’t even know who you’re – 

                                  STEVE WILKOS
     Den why are you ‘ere!?!

                                   RYAN
     I’m not sure. I shit myself, and it’s rolling down my leg.

                                    STEVE WILKOS
     Ya shit yourself?! You should be ashamed! 

                                     RYAN
     What? Why?

Kim Cattrall walks into the room, looks down at Ryan and stifles laughter.

                                     RYAN
     Kim Cattrall from the 1987 film “Mannequin”?

                                      KIM
     That’s right. I was the cause of your very first boner. 

                                      STEVE WILKOS
     A little ghost from bona’s past?

                                       RYAN
     What are you doing here?

                                        STEVE WILKOS
     She’s looking at how pathetic you are, tuff guy! Huh? You some
     kinda tuff guy now? You a tuff guy now or somethin’?

                                          RYAN
     No, I’m not a tuff guy. I just shit my pants is all. 

                                          STEVE WILKOS
     Yeah, dat’s right tuff guy, ya shit yuhself! And now Kim Cattrall, as
     the corporeal manifestation of her fictional character from “Mannequin”
     ‘as seen ya layin’ in a pool ‘a ya own shit. But dat’s not all, tuff guy.

Jessica Rabbit emerges.

                                           JESSICA RABBIT
     I’m Jessica Rabbit from 1988 film “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”
     Years later, I would become the first woman you whacked off to.

                                            RYAN
                               (disbelieving)
     Really?

                                            JESSICA RABBIT
     Yes. And I can see that you’ve messed yourself. 

                                            STEVE WILKOS
     And dat’s da kind of thing dat makes me (beat.) EXPLODE (beat.)
     wit anguh! You disgust me, jagoff.

Lights down on Ryan, Steve, Jessica and Kim. Lights up on Boxer Shorts.

                                             BOXER SHORTS
                                (weak, dying)
     –Ryan (cough), for the love of cotton, you need to (cough, cough)
     stand up. I’m (cough) I’m dying here. Goo!

Lights down on Boxer shorts. Lights up on bedroom. Ryan begins to stand. The others watch him with slight repulsion. Jessica Rabbit looks especially bored, checking her finger nails – like she’s got somewhere better to be. Kim Cattral has become a mannequin, frozen in some odd pose.

                                                RYAN (v.o.)
     And so, I stood, and did the Dirty Diaper Limbo to the can.

Ryan does the Dirty Diaper Limbo off of the stage. Steve Wilkos follows after him. Lights down on bedroom. Lights up on Boxer Shorts. 

                                                 BOXER SHORTS
     We’re in the bathroom. Way to go, buddy! Now get me to the sink.
     before it’s too late... wait, what are you doing? Don’t put me in a
     plastic grocery bag! Not after all we’ve been through! Ryaaanan!!!
     MMmmmmmrrfffgggg!!!

Lights down on Boxer Shorts. Lights up on bedroom. Steve Wilkos helps Ryan walk back onto stage. Ryan is wearing a towel around his waist, and carrying a tied-off plastic grocery bag. Jessica Rabbit has split. Kim Cattrall is still a mannequin, frozen in a different pose.

                                                   STEVE WILKOS
     I’m proud ‘a what you did here today. It’s tuff business, kid, but
     you did it da Wilkos way!

                                                     RYAN
     Thanks Steve Wilkos. Where should I toss this grocery bag?

                                                     STEVE WILKOS
                                          (disgusted)
     In da trash, ya heathen!

Steve helps Ryan lay down in bed and tucks him in. Then he picks up Kim Cattrall and leaves.

                                                       RYAN (v.o.)
     And so it came to be that I threw the shit pants in the kitchen trash.
     Half-stoned on ‘tussin and weed, I forgot about the whole thing
     for two weeks. Until my roommate Picard noticed “the smell by the
     sink”. (beat.) Took him two weeks, the nasty bastard.

Lights up on Boxer Shorts. Music Cue: Swelling, dramatic revenge music.

                                                       BOXER SHORTS
     I’LL! BEEEE! BAAAAAAAACK!!!

BLACKOUT