After I graduated high school, I got accepted into NYU’s Philosophy program. I went on to obtain my Doctorates. Unable to find work upon graduating, I landed a job as a bouncer for a local night club. I learned the ropes, in my spare time packing on the pounds and pursuing my interests in kick-boxing and Tai Chi. I progressed up the ladder quickly and became head of the bouncers, a position known as the Cooler.
As the Cooler, I was able to leave the dirty work of common bar-fights to my bouncers, allowing me more time to meditate and philosophize. There I came upon the revelation that pain don’t hurt. During this period, I met a man named Wade Garret. Garret was a rugged, seasoned rock-star of a Cooler that took me under his wing as an apprentice. Soon, I learned all Wade Garret had to teach and surpassed his aging skills. The student became the master.
Word of my bone-crushing awesomeness spread like wild-fire among night-club owners. I was in high demand. I spent several years traveling across the country, from bar to bar, cleaning up the joints, taking out the trash. I met many friends along the way, including a blind guitarist named Jeff Healy. I broke the hearts of many beautiful women, but fell for fewer.
One night, a man named Frank Tilghman approached me about cleaning up a bar called the Double Deuce. I took the job, traveling from New York to Jasper, Missouri. When I arrived, I found the bar in bad shape. Embezzling bartenders, drug-dealing waitresses, overly-hostile bouncers – I had to fire some folks. Wouldn’t you know it – one of the guys I fired just happened to be the nephew of Jasper’s residing kingpin, Brad Wesley.
I moved into the barn of a simple farmer named Emmet. My own personal Walden, the barn sat on a lake directly opposite of Brad Wesley’s mansion. The luck! Wesley threw lavish parties at night, taunting my monk-like solitude with his parade of sin and flesh. During the afternoons, he flew his helicopter over Emmet’s house, just to scare the horses. At sunset, he rode his four-wheeler to the lake shore and watched me perform intense, shirtless, sweaty Tai Chi.
An incident at the Double Deuce led me to the local hospital, where I met Dr. Clay. A tall, tanned attractive woman with a foot-thick mullet – Clay and I hesitantly fell for each other. But there existed a conflict between us, her life’s work involves mending people’s bodies and mine involves breaking them.
Brad Wesley, I soon discover, longs for Dr. Clay. And when the business owners of Jasper begin to stand up for themselves, refusing to pay Wesley for ‘protection’, all hell breaks loose. A monster-truck is driven through the car dealership, the hardware store explodes. The time comes for a final confrontation with Brad Wesley and his goons. I called Wade Garret. Then we proceeded to do what we do best: take out Jasper, Missouri’s trash!
Favorite Horror Movie:
Chucky 2, Army of Darkness, From Dusk Til Dawn, Fright Night, The Lost Boys, Highway to Hell, Trick R' Treat, The Frighteners, Leprechaun 4, Monster High
Favorite Genre TV Show:
The X-Files, Firefly, Buffy, Angel, G vs. E
Favorite Manga, Book, or Graphic Novel:
Hitchhikker's Guide to the Galaxy, A Confederacy of Dunces, The Great Gatsby, A Farewell to Arms, the Harry Potter series