Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
I knew this was going to happen, but prayed that it wouldn't. Fox has cancelled THE TICK.
The last episode will air Jan. 24. If you never watched THE TICK (and judging by the show's meager ratings you didn't), you missed the most original, completely hilarious show on network TV.
Fox really blew it with THE TICK, sticking it in a horrible Thursday at 8:30 p.m. timeslot opposite the second half of SURVIVOR. I'm telling you, the show would have fit perfectly into Fox's Sunday night line-up and got the attention it deserved. Stupid Fox execs.
Why God, why? Why does horrible garbage like THE FAMILY GUY continue to live on while something truly different and funny like THE TICK gets the axe? If Fox execs feel the need to cancel something then maybe they should start with THE X-FILES. Sorry folks, but that show hasn't been worth a damn since Mulder skipped town.
Or how about ALLY MCBEAL? I watched that show last week and it was freakin' awful. ALLY MCBEAL should've been dragged out behind the ol' woodshed and shot in the back of the head after Robert Downey Jr. left the show last year.
So anyway, I begged people to watch THE TICK. I got down on my knees and pleaded like a smooth R&B singer - "Please baby please, watch THE TICK. And please baby, take me back. I know I did you wrong."
Did I try too hard? I warned you guys that THE TICK was too good for network TV, just like POLICE SQUAD in the '80s and SPORTS NIGHT in the '90s. Deep down I knew THE TICK wouldn't last.
Damn it! Sometimes I hate it when I'm right.
Anyway, let me break down the week for you. And, as always, check your local listings.
Monday, January 14
Birthdays are never a good thing in the land ruled by Joss Whedon. Tonight's all-new ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.) finds Cordelia in a coma where the Powers-That-Be allow her to choose between being a rich and famous actress and Angel. I know which one I would choose.
Superhero alert! Check out JUSTICE LEAGUE on the Cartoon Network at 9:30 p.m.
Are you ready for some football? Yeah, I know MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL is over, but at 9 p.m. TNT has got the TV movie MONDAY NIGHT MAYHEM about the launch of MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. I saw a preview tape. It's good. Plus, it's got John Turturro as Howard Cosell, and he's a much better Cosell than Jon Voight in ALI. Just a little tip from your Uncle Sonia.
Tuesday, January 15
Woo-hoo! There's two hours of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN) tonight, starting at 8 p.m. Unfortunately, both episodes are reruns. There's always a catch, people. So anyway, the first episode is the one in which Willow uses magic to go into Buffy's mind and snap the Slayer out of her catatonic state. The second episode is the one in which Buffy kicks the bucket... I mean, sacrifices herself to save Dawn.
It's 7 a.m.
A bad cop witnesses Clark using his superpowers in tonight's all-new SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.). Dammit, where's the good cop when you need him?!
Wanna see something scary? Check out Michelle Pfeiffer and Jack Nicholson making out in WOLF on TBS at 8 p.m. O.K., maybe it's more yucky than scary.
Paige inadvertently conjures up a medieval prince who is under the spell of an enchantress in tonight's encore presentation of CHARMED on TNT at 10 p.m.
Wednesday, January 16
The Enterprise is attacked by an unidentified enemy ship, but the crew can't get their new equipment working in tonight's all-new ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.). I had the same problem when I bought my new Saturn.
A link called "The Scarecrow" wreaks havoc in Chicago in tonight's all-new SPECIAL UNIT 2 on UPN at 9 p.m. Oh come on, he's just wants a brain.
Denis Leary's excellent, hilarious show THE JOB returns to ABC's schedule at 9:30 p.m.
Also, GLORY DAYS a new show from Kevin Williamson, the man behind the SCREAM movies and DAWSON'S CREEK debuts tonight at 9 p.m. The show focuses on a writer who after the success of his first novel returns back to his small (i.e. spooky) hometown. Just so you know, I've seen the pilot episode, and well, it's not very good. Call it "Murder, He Wrote."
Someone is trying to kill these cans!!! Check out THE JERK at 9 p.m. on TBS.
Thursday, January 17
And over on a much better show - Tick is jailed for contempt after testifying against a super villain, who counsels his guard Captain Liberty on her love life in tonight's all-new THE TICK (Fox, 8:30 p.m.).
Cordelia is sucked through a magical portal and transported to a demon dimension in tonight's rerun of ANGEL (WB, 8 p.m.). It should be noted that this is the episode in which Cordy wears that very sexy (i.e. revealing) outfit.
Paige is haunted by her parents' death, which she blames on herself, so Leo offers to take her back in time to relive the events leading up to the accident in tonight's all-new CHARMED (WB, 9 p.m.).
Grissom's nemesis, serial killer Paul Millander, reappears in tonight's all-new CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 9 p.m.). I wish I had a nemesis. Oh, and the other guys investigate some sort of crime scene too.
Friday, January 18
Alec tries to right a wrong from his past after he realizes the former lover he was forced to assassinate may still be alive in tonight's all-new DARK ANGEL at 8 p.m. on Fox. You know, the same thing happened to me except I wasn't forced to kill my former lover. I did it of my own free will.
Fox is giving you a second chance to check the 7 a.m. to 8 a.m. installment of 24. Don't miss it.
The Keeper's antidote for Darien's immunity to the counteragent plunges the invisible agent into madness along with a priest who is also affected by the quicksilver gland in tonight's THE INVISIBLE MAN on Sci-Fi Channel at 8 p.m.
A cursed sombrero creates havoc for Tucker, Grace and Wes at a Cinco de Mayo party in tonight's THE CHRONICLE at 9 p.m. on Sci-Fi Channel.
Hey, what's PREDATOR doing on American Movie Classics at 7:30 p.m.?! I understand why HERCULES IN NEW YORK (AMC, 9:30 p.m.) is on, but not PREDATOR.
Saturday, January 19
Cordelia and Buffy attend a frat party thrown by a satanic cult looking for some fresh sacrifices in tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings). Sounds like every frat party I ever went to.
After BUFFY, there's GENE RODDENBERRY'S ANDROMEDA (syndicated, check local listings).
It's got a giant snake eating people. And it's got Ice Cube. It doesn't get much better than that. Check out ANACONDA on NBC at 8 p.m.
Actually, it gets a little better. Check out ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE INVISIBLE MAN at 7 p.m. on AMC.
Sunday, January 20
Just in case you care about this sort of thing: The Golden Globes are on NBC at 8 p.m.
Bender crosses a picket line and takes a job doing, what else, bending in tonight's rerun of FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.).
UPN is re-broadcasting Wednesday night's episode of ENTERPRISE at 7 p.m., so if you missed it the first time...
Tonight's repeat of KING OF THE HILL on Fox at 7:30 p.m. is pure gold. This is the one in which Bobby takes a women's self defense class and then goes around beating up school bullies by kicking them in the nuts and screaming "That's my purse. I don't know you."
Springfield is declared the world's fattest town in tonight's THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.). Are they sure it's not the phattest town?
Hal and Lois sabotage Dewey's efforts to get a dog in tonight's MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.).
Quentin Tarantino pops up in tonight's all-new ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.) as a former SD-6 operative left for dead after a botched mission in Chechnya. Now he's back and ready for revenge, taking the Credit Dauphine headquarters by siege. You think he'll take Samuel L. Jackson in there with him for back-up?
Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.