You know, it hurts me to say bad things about THE X-FILES. I'm a total nerd. I used to love the show. But now THE X-FILES is all about Doggett (Robert Patrick) and Reyes (Annabeth Gish), while Scully (Gillian Anderson) has been reduced to a supporting character. Of course, maybe that's a blessing. Scully was starting to turn into one of those TV movie-of-the-week mothers. "I need to know the truth about my baby," and all that crap.
THE X-FILES producer Chris Carter says he's going to tie up a bunch of loose ends by the season finale. Man, I hope one of those loose ends is that show THE LONE GUNMEN. What was up with that?
Honestly, the show hasn't been worth watching since Mulder left (i.e. David Duchovny left the show to pursue a movie career).
Carter has said that he'd like to get Duchovny back for the series finale, but no deal has been made yet.
Yeah, good luck with that whole thing Carter. I'm sure Duchovny is hard at work on that much anticipated sequel to PLAYING GOD.
So anyway, let me break down the week for you. And, as always, check your local listings.
Monday, January 21
The crew over at Angel Investigations start doing a little advertising and then get flooded with more business than they can in tonight's all-new ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.). I guess that whole "Who ya gonna call" advertising campaign really paid off.
Hi-ya! SAMURAI JACK is on at 9 p.m., followed by JUSTICE LEAGUE at 9:30 p.m. on the Cartoon Network.
Like to watch chicks kick serious ass? If you answered a big, fat "yes" to that question then you should check out WITCHBLADE on TNT at 8 p.m.
After five terrific seasons, MTV's DARIA is finally calling it quits with the two-hour movie IS IT COLLEGE YET?, starting tonight at 8 p.m. The movie finds our monotone, sarcastic girl contemplating college, while Jane thinks about life without a college degree. DARIA was one of the few things worth watching on MTV besides JACKASS, so it will be sorely missed. I'm sure DARIA will be replaced with some sort of programming that also requires the not-playing of music videos.
Tuesday, January 22
Dammit! Tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN) at 8 p.m. is another repeat. This two-hour BUFFY is the first two episodes of the season in which, in the aftermath of Buffy's death, Giles considers leaving town and the gang continues to fight evil. Oh, and there's that whole Willow bringing Buffy back from the dead stuff.
It's 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. in tonight's all-new 24 (Fox, 9 p.m.) and Jack's explanation of the power-plant incident is met with skepticism from the Secret Service. Also, one of the bad guys tries to force himself on Kim but Teri offers herself up instead.
Remember that episode of SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.) in which that fat girl (i.e. a size 12) goes on a kryptonite diet and ends up having to eat people to survive? Yuck. Well, that one is on again tonight.
If you'd rather check out some old-school (i.e. crappy) Superman, Encore has SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE at 8 p.m.
Wednesday, January 23
The fascination ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.). Oh, that Dr. Phlox is soooo superior.
A link causes random people to commit heinous crimes in tonight's SPECIAL UNIT 2 on UPN at 9 p.m. At last, O.J. has an alibi.
The truth is out there. Or so FX would like you to believe by airing UFOs: THE BEST EVIDENCE EVER CAUGHT ON TAPE at 9 p.m. This one-hour special looks at the study of UFOs since the purported Roswell incident of 1947 and features interviews with NASA officials on UFO activity over the years. Hmmm... I'm suspicious of this whole one-hour special.
Thursday, January 24
Meg develops a crush on a teenage nudist in tonight's all-new THE FAMILY GUY (Fox, 8 p.m.). I'm getting tired of making fun of this show. I'll just move on.
Arthur's mom and sister hire a deprogrammer (played by THE KIDS IN THE HALL's Dave Foley) after he tells them of his choice to be a superhero and his partnership with Tick in tonight's all-new THE TICK (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). Hey, watch it while you can. Next week is the last episode.
Tonight's ANGEL (WB, 8 p.m.) is the one in which the gang gets teleported to a demon dimension. While there, Cordelia is made a princess while Wesley and the Host are sentenced to death.
While serving as a juror on a murder trial, Phoebe has a premonition that the defendant is innocent in tonight's all-new CHARMED (WB, 9 p.m.). The police arrested an innocent man! That's just crazy talk.
We've got back-to-back episodes of CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION tonight, starting at 8 p.m. on CBS. First up, a man who won $40 million is found dead. Hey, you gotta take the good with the bad. The second episode involves the murder of a woman who was left for dead in a supermarket restroom with a written message from the attacker claiming that he killed five women in all.
Friday, January 25
Fox is giving you a second chance to check the 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. installment of 24. Don't miss it.
In Part 1 of the two-part series finale, Darien learns that his old nemesis Arnaud has allied himself with Chysalis in search of a cure for the quicksilver gland in tonight's THE INVISIBLE MAN on Sci-Fi Channel at 8 p.m.
Grace believes she is the target of her identical twin, an alien assassin involved in an outerworldly plot to gather genetic engineering technology from terra firma in tonight's THE CHRONICLE at 9 p.m. on Sci-Fi Channel.
AMC has got the 1966 BATMAN movie starring Adam West and Burt Ward at 8 p.m. Unfortunately, this is the version of the movie that doesn't feature Prince's hit song "Batdance." Sorry.
It puts the lotion on its skin when it is told. Check out SILENCE OF THE LAMBS on A&E at 10 p.m.
Saturday, January 26
Trick-or-treaters take on the identity of their costumes in tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings).
The Andromeda joins with the Sabra-Jaguar colony to battle the Dragans, as Harper learns of a revolution forming on Earth between the humans and their Neitzschean captors in tonight's GENE RODDENBERRY'S ANDROMEDA (syndicated, check local listings). Ummm... O.K. Whatever that means.
The Sci-Fi Channel has got David Cronenberg's EXISTENZ, a sci-fi thriller set in the world of virtual reality, at 8 p.m. Not interested? Well, it's got oh-so-hot Jude Law in it. Ahhh, now you're interested.
Check out Vincent D'Onofrio at his creepy best: FULL METAL JACKET on Encore at 8 p.m. Just watch the first half and then when D'Onofrio shoots himself you can go ahead and change the channel.
Sunday, January 27
The crew goes on a fantastic voyage (i.e. shrinks themselves) in Fry's body to cure him of worms in tonight's rerun of FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.). Sorry folks, there's no Coolio in sight.
Dale has a little accident at the gun club in tonight's rerun of KING OF THE HILL on Fox at 7:30 p.m.
Homer has yet another mishap, but this one results in his jaw being wired shut in tonight's all-new THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.).
Lois gets all bent out of shape over a negative job performance review in tonight's all-new MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). Hell, I know how she feels. Stupid job performance review. I'll show them who's lazy...
ALIAS has been preempted tonight for STEPHEN KING'S ROSE RED, a variation on the haunted-house theme written directly for TV by Stephen King. Rose Red is an abandoned mansion in Seattle that has been plagued by mysterious deaths and disappearances. ROSE RED concludes Monday night at 9 p.m.
Reyes can't explain the connection she feels to the case of an ex-con who's skinned alive after describing a similar dream to his anger-management group in tonight's all-new THE X-FILES at 9 p.m. Well, if she could explain it then it wouldn't really be an X-Files now, would it? Duh!
Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.