Yeah, I know it's only been a week. I assure you, they were all broken by Jan. 1 at 5 p.m.
Hello? Have we met? I'm Ms. No Will Power. Good to meet you.
I'm no different than anyone else. I always make resolutions that involve exercising more and eating better. But within a week I count walking to the fridge as exercise and potato chips as vegetables. Oh well.
So, I'm no good at New Year's resolutions. What I am good at is coming up with resolutions for other people. I'm all about pointing out other people's faults for them and instructing them on how to improve themselves. It's a Mansfield family trait. And well, since I'm a TV columnist it only seems appropriate that I help out those closest to me: TV characters.
- Sydney Bristow from ALIAS: Try to have more fun this year. You're always out saving the world. Try taking a little more time for yourself.
- Angel from ANGEL: Same resolution as Sydney Bristow. Stop brooding for five seconds.
- Joey Potter from DAWSON'S CREEK: Stop making such a big freakin' deal out of everything. You overreact to everything. You are too much of a drama queen, even for a one-hour drama.
- Jay Leno from THE TONIGHT SHOW: Hey, why don't you try being funny in the New Year? Take a look at LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN or THE DAILY SHOW for some helpful hints. How this guy continues to beat David Letterman in the ratings, I'll never know. I get more laughs watching the local news.
- The cast and writers from YES, DEAR: See Jay Leno's resolution.
- Chris Carter,
- Monica Gellar from FRIENDS: You need to watch your weight. You are getting too skinny. You look like Skeletor. Eat a sandwich, will ya?
- All the TV networks: You need to cut back on the reality programming. As a matter of act, it's probably best if you quit cold turkey. Say it with me: "No new reality shows in the New Year." Come on, you can do it. Isn't there some sort of gum or patch you can buy to make it easier?
Anyway, let me break down the week for you. And, as always, check your local listings.
Monday, January 7
Remember that time Angel switched bodies with that old man? Yeah, me too. Well, that one is on again in tonight's rerun of ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.).
Superhero Alert! Check out JUSTICE LEAGUE on the Cartoon Network at 9:30 p.m.
Check out Winona Ryder before her shoplifting days in LOST SOULS on STARZ! at 7:05 p.m.
Tuesday, January 8
The Legion of Nerds hits Buffy with an invisibility ray in tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.) and somehow that leads her to cut off her hair.
Crappy new show alert! IMAGINE THAT, starring Hank Azaria, who does the voices for some of the best SIMPSONS characters including Moe, Apu, Professor Frink and the Comic Book Store Guy, debuts tonight at 8 p.m. I only mention it out of respect to those great characters. The show is, to quote Homer, "booorrrriiinnngggg."
It's 6 a.m. to 7 a.m. in tonight's all-new 24 (Fox, 9 p.m.) and the mole is revealed. My guess: It's probably not that dead teenager.
WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE is on the ABC Family Channel at 8 p.m. It's a good movie, but it never does really tell you what's eating Gilbert Grape. I think the movie asks the wrong question. It's not "What," it's "Who." And the "Who" is Hannibal Lecter. I'm just guessing though.
TV series-turned-bad movie alert! THE MOD SQUAD is on USA at 9 p.m.
Wednesday, January 9
Trip learns that T'Pol is transmitting secret messages to a Vulcan ship in tonight's ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.) while Archer risks his life to save two crewmen stranded on a comet. Man, I hate it when I'm stranded on a comet!
Nick and Kate take on the Sandman in tonight's SPECIAL UNIT 2 on UPN at 9 p.m. I thought the Sandman was a good guy. You know: "Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream" and so on. Eh, what do I know?
Bruce Campbell alert! HBO has got CONGO at 6:30 p.m.
Hey, it's BACK TO THE FUTURE II at 8 p.m. on Encore. Oh wait, BTTF II. Never mind.
Thursday, January 10
Why God, why??!!!! Fox is airing two hours of THE FAMILY GUY starting at 8 p.m.
It's down to the final four in the season finale of SURVIVOR: AFRICA tonight at 8 p.m. on CBS. Not that anyone cares.
Check out ANGEL in its new timeslot tonight at 8 p.m. If it does well, it might become its new home. Tonight's episode is a rerun in which the gang first discovers the portal in the karaoke bar that will take them to the Host's homeland.
Paige's favorite childhood fairytale comes to life and tries to kill her in tonight's rerun of CHARMED (WB, 9 p.m.).
Check out director Peter Jackson's work pre-LORD OF THE RINGS with THE FRIGHTENERS at 8 p.m. on Encore.
Friday, January 11
Max gets some help from Manticore's plus-sized secret weapon after a mole sets a trap to silence Asha's rebel group in tonight's rerun of DARK ANGEL at 8 p.m.
Fox is giving you a second chance to check the 6 a.m. to 7 a.m. installment of 24. Don't miss it.
People were so divided about CONTACT (airing tonight at 7 p.m. on TBS). They were either really indifferent to it or they didn't see it.
And over on THE INVISIBLE MAN, the Keeper believes she's found a way to keep the side effects of Darien's invisibility gland in check, but her cure has some drawbacks of its own on Sci-Fi Channel at 8 p.m.
An investigation of a mutant ape's destructive rampage leads Tucker and Wes to a surgeon whose experiments with humans and animals may solve the mystery behind Sal's origin in tonight's THE CHRONICLE at 9 p.m.
Saturday, January 12
An exchange student with the hots for Xander turns out to be a mummy in tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings). Well, nobody said love was easy.
For the love of God, stop calling him Shirley. Don't miss one of the funniest movies of all time: AIRPLANE on Comedy Central at 8 p.m.
So, THE MUMMY is on TNT at 8 p.m. tonight. I don't really like that movie. In fact, I think it kinda sucks, but other people seem to like it a lot.
Instead of THE MUMMY, watch ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE on AMC at 7 p.m. I swear it's just as funny.
Sunday, January 13
Woo-hoo! It's a new episode of FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.)! After getting separated from the ship during a pirate attack, Bender becomes a god to a microcivilization, while Fry mounts an effort to find him.
Peggy stirs up a bunch of trouble at the Renaissance Faire in tonight's all-new KING OF THE HILL on Fox at 7:30 p.m. What do you think she does? I bet she totally bags on LORD OF THE RINGS or something.
Springfield is declared "The World's Fattest Town" in tonight's all-new THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.). Ben Stiller guest stars. Man, I wish he was playing Mr. Furious from MYSTERY MEN again.
Reese gets a job at a fast food restaurant in tonight's MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). I, for one, will not be eating at that restaurant ever again.
Doggett heads down to Mexico and uncovers an alien-smuggling ring in tonight's THE X-FILES (Fox, 9 p.m.). So I'm wondering, what kind of aliens are we talking about here? Well, this is THE X-FILES.
Tonight's ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.) is a rerun in which Sydney tries to prevent a terrorist from blowing up a trade seminar.
Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.