Man, I am so sick and tired of all these reality dating shows.
They're just so freakin' terrible. THE BACHELOR, THE BACHELOR 2, THE BACHELORETTE, BACHELORETTES IN ALASKA, JOE MILLIONAIRE and so on and so on: All of them are evil shows.
First of all, the people on these shows don't look like the type of people who would have any problem finding dates.
"Ummm, I'm totally beautiful and gosh it's so hard to meet people."
Screw those people.
I'm suggesting that if the networks are going to cancel quality shows to give us craptastic reality dating shows, then how about giving us something we can relate to? I want a reality dating show for people who really have problems finding dates.
"Ummm, I work all day in a cubicle, watch TV all night and spend my weekends watching movies, doing laundry and cleaning the house so it's really hard for me to meet people."
"I've got a sexually transmitted disease and I find that most women think that's a turn off."
"My name is O.J. Simpson."
"I'm the kind of girl you don't take home to mother. I'm super freaky."
"You know that smelly guy you sit next to on the bus? That's me and I can't seem to meet someone special."
Come on Fox. You know you wanna do this. You could call it WHEN UGLY PEOPLE DATE or JOE AVERAGE or something.
Oh well, it's just a suggestion.
Yeah, so anyway, let me know what you think? E-mail it to me at RedSonia@cinescape.com.
Now, let me break down the week for you. Oh, and as always, check your local listings.
Monday, january 13
The Sci Fi Channel has got four back-to-back episodes of STARGATE SG-1 starting at 6 p.m.
The WB is repeating the very first episode of EVERWOOD at 9 p.m.
There is a God. You can watch FUTURAMA every night this week at 11 p.m. on the Cartoon Network.
TUESDAY, january 14
Jess decides to escort Rory to the winter dance but only because Dean's going to be there in tonight's all-new GILMORE GIRLS (WB, 8 p.m.). I will definitely be watching since there's no BUFFY tonight.
It's 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. in tonight's all-new 24 (Fox, 9 p.m.) and it's time for Palmer to meet the press.
One of Clark's former adversaries returns to town and causes a rift between Lana and Clark in tonight's all-new SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.). Can you say Whitney?
Det. Wyms won't let go of a case that might reveal payoffs to cops (i.e. the Strike Team) in tonight's all-new THE SHIELD (FX, 10 p.m.).
You don't want to miss THE OSBOURNES at 10:30 p.m. on MTV.
TNN has back-to-back episodes of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION at 10 p.m. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I'm sure you have all the episodes on DVD already.
WEDNESDAY, january 15
Jordan and Bernie go head-to-head in a fight of biblical proportions in tonight's all-new BERNIE MAC (Fox, 8 p.m.). It seems that Jordan has decided to rid the house of sin, encouraging Bryanna to dump Bernie's liquor down the drain and tell Bernie when he lies.
Fox has got something called MAN VS. BEAST at 9 p.m. It's got things like a man racing a giraffe and crap like that. I don't even know where to begin making fun of it.
ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.) moves into its brand new time slot with an episode about an evil monster killing everyone in Wolfram & Hart. And that's bad, why?
A wife fantasizes about having the perfect family in tonight's THE TWILIGHT ZONE (UPN, 9 p.m.). The perfect family? Sounds boring to me.
C.J. goes to her 20-year high school reunion in tonight's all-new THE WEST WING at 9 p.m. on NBC.
Don't forget to check out tonight's SOUTH PARK (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.).
THURSDAY, january 16
Educate yourself for CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND by watching tonight's BIOGRAPHY at 8 p.m. on A&E. It's profiling Chuck Barris.
I would totally watch MRS. DOUBTFIRE at 8 p.m. on FX if it weren't for the fact that I hate it.
A battle to build a locker room for women pits Elliot against Kelso in tonight's all-new SCRUBS (NBC, 8:30 p.m.). I bet most people would prefer a battle between Elliot and Carla in a women's locker room.
The discovery of a human eye in a raven's nest leads the investigators to a landfill where a limbless female with a crushed skull is found in tonight's all-new CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 9 p.m.). Ummm... gross.
The crew searches for a missing pregnant woman in tonight's all-new WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, 10 p.m.).
FRIDAY, january 17
It's hot girl-on-girl action in tonight's all-new FASTLANE (Fox, 8 p.m.) when Billie goes "undercover" to catch a gang of lesbian thieves. Gee, this sounds like the type of episode Fox should save for sweeps.
Starz has got K-PAX at 8 p.m.
After returning from an alien archaeological site carrying a glowing artifact, several members of the team experience terrifying hallucinations that threaten their sanity in tonight's STARGATE SG-1 (Sci Fi, 8 p.m.).
Shhh, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I saw ENCINO MAN (Cinemax, 8:30 p.m.) in the theater and it totally cracked me up. It's the one and only time I laughed during a movie that featured Pauly Shore. Don't tell anyone. It will ruin my rep.
John's got a girlfriend. John's got a girlfriend in tonight's all-new JOHN DOE (Fox, 9 p.m.).
Crichton's efforts to readjust to terra firma are complicated by a rift with Aeryn and a hidden menace aboard Moya in tonight's all-new FARSCAPE at 9 p.m. on Sci Fi.
SATURDAY, january 18
Grissom matches wits with yet another serial killer who apparently wants to get caught or why would he be matching wits with someone in law enforcement in this repeat of CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION at 8 p.m. on CBS.
The Cartoon Network has got a full hour of JUSTICE LEAGUE, starting at 9 p.m.
It puts the lotion in the basket when it is told. Yep, Starz has got THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS at 9 p.m.
Noggin has got (my animated doppelganger) DARIA at 10 p.m.
SUNDAY, january 19
Fox is already rerunning the episode of THE SIMPSONS (7 p.m.) that spoofs PBS' FRONTIER HOUSE.
Fox has got the film that launched a million gross-out movies: THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY at 7:30 p.m.
Allow me to predict something about THE GOLDEN GLOBES (NBC, 8 p.m.) for you. Your favorite show will not win. Your favorite actor will not win. Your favorite actress will not win. Your favorite movie will not win. Trust me. You don't need to be Miss Cleo to predict this.
UPN is giving you a second chance to check out Wednesday's ENTERPRISE at 8 p.m.
Cole tries to destroy the ladies' future by changing the past, preventing the Halliwell sisters from meeting Paige in tonight's all-new CHARMED (WB, 8 p.m.).
Man. That sucks. Tonight's ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.) is a rerun. Booooooo! Hisssssss!
Don't forget to check out tonight's all-new OZ (HBO, 9 p.m.).
FUTURAMA kicks off the Cartoon Network's line-up of ADULT SWIM starting at 10 p.m.
Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.