Random thoughts alert!
Anyone else think that if Dawn from BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER were in a horror movie she would be the first to get killed?
Why is it that every time there's trouble Dawn sneaks out of her bedroom window and makes it worse? Hasn't she learned anything? Hasn't she at least seen SCREAM? She might as well go outside to investigate a strange noise...
I think I know the secret behind JOE MILLIONAIRE. Everyone thinks that Fox is going to pull the ol' switcheroo on us and that it will turn out that he's loaded. I think we're going to find out he's got no brain! He's a Frankenstein-type experiment gone horribly wrong! Run, don't walk, from JOE MILLIONAIRE!
Obsessed with movies?! What's up with that? It's not like it's television or something.
Yeah, so anyway, let me know what you think? E-mail it to me at RedSonia@cinescape.com.
Now, let me break down the week for you. Oh, and as always, check your local listings.
Monday, january 27
I have seen ABC's new show VERITAS: THE QUEST (which airs at 8 p.m.) and I'm telling you right now it's totally lame.
Dom DeLuise, Richard Lewis, Peter Falk and director John Herzfeld chow down with Jon Favreau in tonight's DINNER FOR FIVE (IFC, 8 p.m.).
Amy and Colin are elected Homecoming King and Queen in tonight's EVERWOOD at 9 p.m. Nice to know that being in a coma for six months didn't have any impact on Colin's popularity.
Horatio investigates the death of a man who accidentally inhaled a lethal combination of chemicals in a neighboring house after he went inside to retrieve his dog in tonight's all-new CSI: MIAMI (CBS, 10 p.m.). I hope the dog is OK.
A priest who investigates miracles for the church meets a boy who can heal people in the new show MIRACLES (ABC, 10 p.m.). But is the boy's power the work of God or something more sinister? I've seen this one too and I think, given a chance, it could become the next X-FILES.
Abe and John Kennedy compete against each other in the school presidential elections in tonight's all-new CLONE HIGH (MTV, 10:30 p.m.). I bet George W. wins even though he's not running.
TUESDAY, january 28
Hey, remember when that student Cassie predicted her own death on BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.)? Well, that episode is on tonight.
Lorelei studies in tonight's all-new GILMORE GIRLS (WB, 8 p.m.). What a nerd! Reading books! HA!
It's "Who shot Lionel Luther" in tonight's all-new SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.).
Don't forget to check out tonight's all-new THE SHIELD (FX, 10 p.m.). The best damn cop show on TV. Well, I mean since HOMICIDE reruns aren't on anymore.
You don't want to miss THE OSBOURNES at 10:30 p.m. on MTV.
WEDNESDAY, january 29
T'Pol and Archer team up to nab a corrupt Vulcan in this repeat of ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.). It seems this Vulcan is appearing on a reality show posing as a millionaire...
Wesley brings in a mystic to extract Angel's soul and release Angelus after Cordy predicted he would make a deadly pact with the demon in tonight's all-new ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.). Ummm, if the mystic doesn't work then maybe Cordy will have to remove his soul the old fashioned way.
A man tries a virtual-sex computer program with a shocking star in this repeat of THE TWILIGHT ZONE (UPN, 9 p.m.).
Don't forget to check out tonight's SOUTH PARK (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.).
THURSDAY, january 30
Elliot has got a crush on Paul (Rick Schroder) who she believes is a doctor, but he's actually a nurse in tonight's all-new "super-sized" SCRUBS (NBC, 8:40 p.m.).
Warrick investigates a drive-by shooting in his old neighborhood in tonight's all-new CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 9 p.m.).
A man who has been searching for his missing son for the last six years disappears himself in tonight's all-new WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, 10 p.m.).
Noggin has got a full hour of my hero DARIA at 11 p.m.
FRIDAY, january 31
Billie fends off an Internal Affairs bigwig (played by Jay Mohr) intent on closing the Candy Store in tonight's all-new FASTLANE (Fox, 8 p.m.). Wouldn't it be cool if Jay Mohr went undercover with Deaq and Van and all three of them fell in love with each other? Now that's just good television, folks.
Mayborne touches base with Jack and convinces him that he knows the location of a possible alien weapons cache in tonight's STARGATE SG-1 (Sci Fi, 8:30 p.m.). Oh, I know the location too. I hear they are in Iraq or something. It's all over the news.
D'Argo faces the Peacekeeper who killed his wife and then pinned the crime on him in tonight's all-new FARSCAPE at 9:30 p.m. on Sci Fi. That's weird. I heard the one-armed man did it.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1
HBO has got what some people consider the most boring Jim Carrey movie ever, THE MAJESTIC at 8 p.m. Maybe it's time for THE CABLE GUY 2.
Teens encounter hostile parasites from space in the movie ALIEN PREDATOR (Sci Fi, 8 p.m.). I don't know if I would call crabs "hostile parasites from space."
Cha-chunk. It's LAW & ORDER as far as the eyes can see tonight on NBC starting with the original at 8 p.m., CRIMINAL INTENT at 9 p.m. and SPECIAL VICITIMS UNIT at 10 p.m.
The Cartoon Network has got a full hour of JUSTICE LEAGUE, starting at 9 p.m.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 2
"Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, boy" - STAR WARS (ABC, 6:30 p.m.) Yeah. Damn, sometimes Luke can be so stupid. You tell him, Han, you hunky son of a bitch.
Fox has got a full hour of KING OF THE HILL starting at 7 p.m., but I don't want a full hour of KING OF THE HILL!!! [Stomping my feet and crying.] Where's FUTURAMA dammit?!
Well, at least Fox is making up for it with a full hour of THE SIMPSONS starting 8 p.m.
UPN is giving you a second chance to check out Wednesday's ENTERPRISE at 8 p.m.
The sisters call someone to rid the mansion of the evil entities haunting their home in tonight's CHARMED (WB, 8 p.m.). Ummm, let me guess... Ghostbusters.
Continuing it's tradition of not airing the shows I love to watch on Sunday nights, Fox preempts ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE for a full hour of MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE, starting at 9 p.m.
Ethan Hawke shows up as a CIA agent, who falls under suspicion after his partner kicks the bucket while searching for a gene-splicing machine that allows users to alter their appearance in tonight's all-new ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.). Sydney must find out if he's a double agent or just unlucky with partners.
Just the facts ma'am. Ed O'Neill from MARRIED WITH CHILDREN sheds his Al Bundy persona and fits perfectly into his role as Joe Friday in this series remake of the classic cop show DRAGNET (ABC, 10 p.m.). I'm serious. O'Neill doesn't jam his hands down his pants or flush the toilet once.
Trust me you don't want to miss one minute of NBC's six-part miniseries (which could become a regular series) KINGPIN (starting at 10 p.m.), which chronicles the rise of a Mexican drug trafficking family.
Johnny clashes with the management of a pharmaceutical firm after he has a vision revealing the deadly effects of the company's newest drug in tonight's all-new THE DEAD ZONE (USA, 10 p.m.). Its newest drug? Crack-O's. It's in cereal form.
Don't forget to check out tonight's all-new OZ (HBO, 9 p.m.).
FUTURAMA kicks off the Cartoon Network's line-up of ADULT SWIM starting at 10 p.m.
Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.