I don't normally do the whole "10 best of 2002" thing. It's not really my style. It just reeks of TV Guide.
Yeah, so I'm going to do my 12 best and worst TV of 2002.
Take that TV Guide!
The good stuff:
12. ROBBERY HOMICIDE DIVISION
10. THE JOB
9. GILMORE GIRLS
8. THE AMAZING RACE and THE OSBOURNES
5. THE SHIELD
4. Almost all of HBO's Sunday night shows THE SOPRANOS, SEX AND THE CITY, OZ, THE WIRE, SIX FEET UNDER and CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
3. THE SIMPSONS and
2. ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE
1. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
I've also got much love for SCRUBS, BERNIE MAC, ANGEL, THE WEST WING, CSI, LESS THAN PERFECT and LAW & ORDER in all its incarnations.
And now for something completely different... the bad stuff:
12. STEPHEN KING'S ROSE RED The six-hour miniseries that felt like a six-week miniseries.
11. UPN's RANDOM YEARS and AS IF Don't remember them? Aren't you the lucky one?
10. Fox's THE CHAMBER and ABC's THE CHAIR Wanna know the difference? THE CHAMBER was stupid. THE CHAIR was lame. It's that simple.
9. ER It's the cure for insomnia.
8. THAT WAS THEN And this is canceled.
7. CELEBRITY BOXING, THE BACHELOR, THE GLUTTON BOWL, SURVIVOR, THE MOLE and all those other crappy reality shows that take up valuable primetime schedule space.
6. GIRLS CLUB It made me long for the good ol' days of ALLY MCBEAL.
5. THE MIND OF THE MARRIED MAN See, not everything on HBO is pure gold.
4. THE ANNA NICOLE SHOW She doesn't need a show. She needs an intervention.
3. IN-LAWS, GOOD MORNING MIAMI, HIDDEN HILLS and IMAGINE THAT NBC couldn't create a good sitcom if the lives of the FRIENDS depended on it. (Obviously, SCRUBS is the exception to the rule.)
2. BABY BOB It's about a talking baby. 'Nuff said.
1. DINOTOPIA - The miniseries and the TV show. I would give anything to get back the time I wasted watching DINOTOPIA the TV series and the six-hour miniseries. My time could have been much better spent doing drugs or drinking booze or sitting in a corner and hitting myself in the head with a shoe.
Yeah, so anyway, let me know what you think? E-mail it to me at RedSonia@cinescape.com.
Now, let me break down the week for you. Oh, and as always, check your local listings.
Monday, january 6
The Sci Fi Channel has got four back-to-back episodes of STARGATE SG-1 starting at 6 p.m.
Everybody sells their souls for 15 minutes of fame in Fox's latest reality show, JOE MILLIONAIRE, premiering tonight at 9 p.m.
Colin comes home in tonight's all-new EVERWOOD (WB, 9 p.m.). And I'm sure Ephram does absolutely no sulking about it.
Horatio and Speedle investigate the slaying of a hooker who was stabbed 23 times and shoved under a bed in a plush beachside cottage in tonight's all-new CSI: MIAMI at 10 p.m. Always check under the bed at hotels, because hey, you never know what's under there.
Comedy Central has a full hour of TRIGGER HAPPY TV at 10 p.m.
TUESDAY, january 7
Buffy trains the apprentice slayers in preparation for battle with The First in tonight's all-new BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.). Here's a question: How long will it be before Dawn is revealed to be a potential slayer as well? Yawn.
It's 4 p.m. the pilots struggle to control the damaged plane while Jack tries to get Nina to divulge the location of the nuclear device planted in Los Angeles. Also, Kim's existence annoys millions of viewers across the country.
It's a twister. It's a twister in this two-hour repeat of SMALLVILLE starting at 8 p.m.
THE SHIELD (FX, 10 p.m.) known around my house as the best damn cop show on TV kicks off its second season tonight. Just so you know, I've seen the first two new episodes, and the show still kicks much ass. There's no sophomore slump here, folks.
WEDNESDAY, january 8
Fox has got AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME at 8 p.m. I still think a better name would have been NEVER SAY SHAG AGAIN or LICENSE TO SHAG. But hey, that's just me.
Trip is marooned on a moon in tonight's all-new ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.).
The WB is offering up two hours of BIRDS OF PREY tonight, starting at 8 p.m. Enjoy it while you can.
A flower shop girl is stalked by a pet store clerk in tonight's all-new THE TWILIGHT ZONE (UPN, 9 p.m.). It could be worse. He could be a gun shop clerk.
Oh, and there's an all-new episode of THE WEST WING at 9 p.m. on NBC.
Don't forget to check out tonight's SOUTH PARK (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.).
THURSDAY, january 9
It turns out that Elliot wants more than just sex from J.D. in tonight's all-new SCRUBS (NBC, 8:30 p.m.). Some women just want it all I guess.
A human arm is discovered stuck in a grinder at a meat-processing plant and the evidence leads Grissom and Catherine to an upscale restaurant where the victim worked as a chef in tonight's all-new CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 9 p.m.). CSI continues to be the second grossest thing on TV. The first being Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne Smith kissing on ACCORDING TO JIM, of course.
Corey Feldman alert! Mouth is just one of seven has-beens, er, celebrities living in a house and having their lives taped in the WB's SURREAL LIFE at 9 p.m.
A 13-year-old girl disappears on her way to school and the only clue is her discarded video camera found on a road in the opposite direction of the school in tonight's all-new WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, 10 p.m.). No doubt the video will end up on AMERICA'S FUNNIEST KIDNAPPING VIDEOS.
FRIDAY, january 10
Sci Fi has got five back-to-back episodes of STARGATE SG-1, starting at 6 p.m. Enjoy.
Van and Dreq try to infiltrate a beach-bum surf crew that operates a dope-dealing ring in tonight's all-new FASTLANE (Fox, 8 p.m.). And I bet one of them falls in love with a member of the surf crew, most likely a hot, busty member of the crew.
Josh Brolin, who will forever be Brand from THE GOONIES to me, stars in the MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON-like drama, MISTER STERLING, premiering tonight at 8 p.m. on NBC.
FARSCAPE returns for the remainder of its fourth - and quite possibly final - season tonight at 9 p.m. on Sci Fi. Unless of course you all tell your friends to tune in and watch (and they tell their friends, and so on).
CBS' new dramedy QUEENS SUPREME (CBS, 10 p.m.) goes behind the bench of the Queens County Courthouse in New York City. Most of the time the show tries too hard to be wacky and original and fails, but a strong cast including Oliver Platt (who I've always liked since DIGGSTOWN) and Annabella Sciorra makes it at least worth checking out.
SATURDAY, january 11
USA has got INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE at 8 p.m.
NBC has got a whole night of LAW & ORDER with the original LAW & ORDER at 8 p.m., CRIMINAL INTENT at 9 p.m. and SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT at 10 p.m. Well, I know what I'm doing tonight, even if they are all reruns.
The Cartoon Network has got a full hour of JUSTICE LEAGUE, starting at 9 p.m.
One of my faves of 2001 THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS - premieres on Starz at 8 p.m.
SUNDAY, january 12
Kif gets knocked up in tonight's all-new FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.). Poor Kif an unwed pregnant male alien. What will people say?!
Dale exterminates at the Megalomart in tonight's all-new KING OF THE HILL (Fox, 8:30 p.m.).
After his insensitive birthday gift to Lisa, Homer hires a private investigator to dig up information on her so he can know her better in tonight's all-new THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.).
UPN is giving you a second chance to check out Wednesday's ENTERPRISE at 8 p.m.
Cole prepares an assault on the ladies' home to manipulate a source of magical energy that emanates from underneath the building in tonight's all-new CHARMED (WB, 8 p.m.).
Syd and Vaughn's risky rendezvous while on a mission in France threatens to expose their CIA covers to SD-6 in tonight's all-new ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.).
The boys pay Francis a visit in tonight's all-new MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 9 p.m.). Sometimes I wish Francis would go back to military school.
A men's magazine stops by death row for a fashion shoot in tonight's all-new OZ (HBO, 9 p.m.).
Andy starts a relationship with Jessica's housekeeper in tonight's all-new ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE (Fox, 9:30 p.m.).
Don't forget to check out tonight's all-new BOOMTOWN (NBC, 10 p.m.).
FUTURAMA kicks off the Cartoon Network's all-new line-up of ADULT SWIM at 10 p.m.
Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.