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It Was Late, And I Was Very Tired
By His Lordship Chaos
A long rant ago in a DVD column far, far away, a funny thing happened to me on my way to deliver this latest rant to his weblordiness, Chris Beveridge. I happened upon this newspaper that was talking about the scandal in Tokyo 3. It seems that while they were on that aircraftcarrier, Captain Katsuragi insulted Ikari-kun. The headlines after read, "Sailor Misato Moons!"
Sorry. Seiyuu joke.
Anyhoo, last night I found myself with an unexpected roommate when Carrot Glaces got tossed into my padded cell one night because the asylum was running out of single rooms. Since there wasn't much else to do once we got ourselves stuck to the ceiling, courtesy of our velcro-clad strait jackets, we got to talking. But then Carrot heard a female nurse (no doubt on a medical staff exchange from the Ogenki Clinic), and he started drooling and making unsightly puddles on my padded floor. Then he broke free of his velcro restraints and started chasing after the Ogenki Clinic nurse. Now I gave chase, hopping around as fast as I could given that I was still in my strait jacket (and ruing the fact that I was currently missing the latest epic film, Silence Glaive of the Lambs, starring Hotaru Lector). But then Dominatrix Nurses Tira & Chocolate Misu showed up and started whipping Carrot.
I got smacked as a result. And it hurt...a lot.
And so I swore I would travel to a far away and magical place! A place where magical girls permeate every co-ed high school, where you can buy Gundams next to Volkswagens, where nekojin run free on the streets without needing leashes or collars, and every weekend the world would come to an end if you didn't pay the obligatory harbinger's visit to the Tokyo Tower.
But first I got stuck in the bathroom with Toilet Hanako. Now I enjoy a half-naked female ghost who wanted me to "come out and play" with her as much as the next otaku--but then Red Mantle did a flyby wipe and dozens of love-crazed highschool girls raced across the bathroom and ran me down.
I managed to peel myself off the floor and scrub the footprints off my back, and then started saying many colourful Japanese words that I won't repeat here in case I start getting constantly pestered by an Anime newbie who'd bug me to learn what they mean, annoying me just like the incessant singing during any given Utena duel!
Suddenly I got punted by an irate Akane who mistook me for Happosai (even if her pink panties didn't match her blue dress at all!), and I got my face stuck in Hanako-chan's toilet--only to discover that the water in the toilet bowl had been replaced with Jusenkyo's cursed Spring of Drowned Babbit. So now I was walking around with a Babbit head, but then Sana-chan started attacking me with her Sana-hammer, all because the Babbit was a registered mascot trademark of Child's Toy.
Well, I didn't take too kindly to that, so I hijacked an EVA and started chasing after Sana-chan. But then my S2 Engine overheated and the EVA went berserk, tap-dancing across the Tokyo skyscrapers as it sang a bad rendition of Fly Me To The Moon (Asuka's Bossa Techno version).
Now who should suddenly show up but the vampire princess, Miyu herself. The only problem was she mistook me for a Shinma and tried to banish me to the darkness with one of her killer fireballs. I can't really understand why she'd mistake an otaku with a Babbit's head who's got his plugsuit riding up his rear while he's driving a run-amok EVA for some kind of monster.
But at least she didn't give me some speech about the values of love and justice and puppy dogs and all things cute and Gainax bouncy. So I had to eject from my EVA entry plug, but instead of grabbing a parachute I accidentally pulled the ripcord and deployed my emergency Giga Slave.
Twenty seconds and one massive hole in the earth later, I awoke inside a hospital and saw Nurse Ling-Ling tending to my bruised and battered body.
Quite frankly, I was impressed that while I had been flambéed by Lina Inverse's ultimate spell I didn't die.
That confused me completely, since why is it no one can have the old-fashioned quick death these days? Why do you have to stumble around saying gushy emotional things as you're spurting blood like any naughty tentacle in your given hentai flick (hapless female victim not included) for around five minutes when all your vital organs have been rearranged into a lovely artistic design on the ceiling above you?
Then I realized why deaths were so drawn out: Anime created Wu's.
Someone knocked on the hospital room door a few moments later, and I cringed beneath my bedsheets. I could only hope that it wasn't a Pokemon with a portable Karaoke machine, dressed up like a rapper and calling itself Jigglypuff Daddy, waiting on the other side for me.
But it was.
You could call it uncanny intuition that I knew this beforehand, but in truth I just read the script. You'd think the token villains in any given magical girl series would try this. But then we'd be stuck with tyrannical and stupidly-dressed megalomaniacs ruling the world, who use bad English pronunciation and severely need a hug from their demonic mommies.
I naturally freaked out and frantically searched for a means of escaping. Lucky for me, on the bedside table was a book entitled The Universe of the Four Gods. So I opened the book and got sucked into this parallel universe where all these cute guys were running around--but since I'm not an obsessed Femme otaku, I didn't really care. So I called for a cabbit and took a quick non-stop flight to Jurai.
Well, it was supposed to have been for Jurai. But then the oversized bathtub sprang a leak and the water drained out, leaving me with numerous bathing catgirls and many gratuitous fanservice shots. I'd like to take the time out to thank Pioneer for producing this rant and giving me an obligatory onsen (bathhouse) scene for today. And lucky for me the water was warm, so I didn't get a Babbit head again.
However, the catgirls didn't seem to like their nekkid flashes too much. Aisha ClanClan more than anyone, who then upon behalf of the Ctarl-Ctarl empire declared war on me. The Puma sisters then pulled out Bonapart the tank and tried to waste me. Now you really shouldn't blow a hole in the hull of any ship (even if it a big flying Juraian tree), lest you depressurize the inside and risk having everyone get sucked into space.
The catgirls unanimously decided to stuff me into the hole to plug the leak, but I just got sucked right out anyways. I shot down to earth and burned up on re-entry--but lucky for me, the Clamp Campus broke my fall. I pulled my head out from the Chaos-shaped crater in the lawn, only to find myself in the middle of a game of Yggdrasil bug croquet with goddesses Urd & Skuld.
I thought this was a pretty good thing.
So I thusly achieved the ultimate dream of all otaku: I managed to buy for myself a pair of SD Sanosuke boxer shorts (with the kanji for 'Bad' written on a very prolific part ^^). But then the censors for this column showed up and slapped me around for that kind of joke.
In retribution they gave me a psychotic gerbil dressed like Captain Tylor, who happened to be named after an omelette. And so as a dancing Mink-chan started belting out her Omelette song in the background, Tamagoyaki pointed out the fact that Mokona had just been cross-bred with Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star.
Curse Diol for playing with forces he couldn't possibly comprehend! I wasn't about to let this happen, so I pulled out my pan-dimensional cellular phone and had Bean Bandit run the thing down. Then Tamagoyaki did a quick costume change and informed me that Megami Paradise was accepting new goddesses.
I asked him what this had to do with me. And then he handed me my henshin and told me to become Sailor Dragqueen and apply. I retorted by trying to crush the little twerp with the Nadesico. Side note: immense intergalactic battleships are a lot heavier than they look.
And then I met a young female otaku of my subtitled dreams, who looked at me and said, "You've got a gerbil with a tutu on your face."
I was sure it was true love!
But then Ifurita showed up with the Eye of God and tried to kill me. So I shrank into super-deformed mode and started running away--only to bump into Largo. And so for the crime of injuring him, a god, the punishment had to be death. Fortunately his Satellite Strike blew up the Eye of God...which still didn't really do any good because the flaming wreckage fell from the sky and squished some poor hapless 'Wu' named Yakumo.
What was I trying to prove with this rant? Don't you just hate it when those random thoughts get lose and then you have to go chasing them down before they create some sort of embarrassing scene like the time I decided to use Sylia Stingray's favorite lingerie as a pool filter, only to discover that I was still wearing it when I stuffed the lingerie into the slot..?
Now I remember what I've been trying to say: I look way cuter in a dress than Captain Harlock ever could.