Lucky There's a Family Guy (Again)

By: David Michael Wharton
Date: Monday, May 02, 2005

"Everyone, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled. Unfortunately, there's no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like DARK ANGEL, TITUS, UNDECLARED, ACTION, THAT '80S SHOW, WONDERFALLS, FASTLANE, ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE, SKIN, GIRL'S CLUB, CRACKING UP, THE PITTS, FIREFLY, GET REAL, FREAKYLINKS, WANDA AT LARGE, COSTELLO, THE LONE GUNMEN, A MINUTE WITH STAN HOOPER, NORMAL, OHIO, PASADENA, HARSH REALM, KEEN EDDIE, THE STREET, AMERICAN EMBASSY, CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, THE TICK, LUIS, and GREG THE BUNNY. But I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot." Peter Griffin

Thus opened last night's return of FAMILY GUY, after three long years absent from the Fox line-up, deftly skewering the network with an obituary of its own making. It was as clever and stinging an indictment as any of the digs SIMPSONS has made at their home network over the years, and made much the same point I did in this space last week, except in a much more concise and amusing manner, which is why they pay Seth MacFarlane the big bucks.

For FAMILY GUY fans, neither the reruns nor the DVD sets have prevented absence from making the heart grow fonder, but any worries that the three-year hiatus might have dulled the blades of MacFarlane and co.'s wit were proven unfounded. "North By North Quahog" settles right back into the familiar rhythm of pop-culture references, over-the-top absurdity, and the show's trademark knack for jokes that make you simultaneously laugh, wince, and feel the need for a shower. The Pinocchio joke, in particular, was a masterful example of the sort of foul hilarity that the FCC is so agog about. All is well with the world of FAMILY GUY, and it's as if the show never left.


That's the good news.

The bad news, unfortunately, has to do with FAMILY GUY's next-door neighbor and spirit brother, AMERICAN DAD. I won't go down the same path other critics have of deriding the show for being a carbon copy of FAMILY GUY; cosmetic similarities aside, it's not, though since it's from the same creative team, it's no surprise that it features the same comedic accent. No, the problem with AMERICAN DAD is much more disturbing than specious comparisons to the Griffin clan.

The problem is, AMERICAN DAD isn't funny.

Okay, that's actually simplifying things a bit too much. It is funny… sporadically. But during the entirety of last night's premiere, I laughed exactly three times. Trust me, I kept a log. And that's not just out-loud laughs; that's including the quiet little internal chuckles that strike you as funny but don't merit an actual audible outburst. Three times. Not a good batting average for a show as fast-paced and frenetic as its forebear. In an average episode of FAMILY GUY, I've laughed three times before the opening credits, never mind the entire 22-minutes. Make no mistake: FAMILY GUY may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it I'm on it like Picard on Earl Grey. For the new offering from the same team to leave me as cold as AMERICAN DAD does… that doesn't bode well.

Most of the problem can be traced straight to the damn goldfish and the equally-if-not-more-so damned alien. These two "wacky" characters share the house with CIA agent Stan Smith and family, and they're an obvious attempt by the writers to recapture the oddball chemistry of Brian and Stewie from FAMILY GUY -- "Hey, the talking baby and talking dog worked well for us. What crazy characters could we shoehorn into the new show?"

Well, I've got news for you, fellas: I've met Brian and Stewie, and Klaus and Roger are no Brian and Stewie. The goldfish with the lecherous brain of a German scientist? Not funny. The semi-gay alien? Also, you guessed it, not funny. To say that these characters are one-note would be an insult to monotonal compositions the world over. They're giant, convulsing portals of suck, draining any momentum or jocularity from every scene in which they appear. Roger and Klaus are to funny what Paris Hilton is to talent (and I realize that may confuse some of our younger readers since they've removed the analogy section from the SATs).

And it's a shame, because in the moments that are free of these nuggets of enforced wackiness, DAD shows promise. The show's premise sets the stage for all manner of wicked political satire, and the laughs that "Threat Levels" gets are largely rooted in this area. If the writers will focus on milking this part of the show, DAD might have a chance of surviving long enough to differentiate itself from FAMILY GUY and become a worthwhile show.

The return of FAMILY GUY is like running into an old crush from high school and learning that not only does she still like you, but she's spent the past 10 years running marathons, practicing yoga, and studying the Kama Sutra. AMERICAN DAD is the annoying nephew she brings along on your date, the one who spends the entire night lobbing spitballs at you and telling the same three knock-knock jokes over and over again. You might try to like the kid for her sake, but really, you'd kick him out the car door in the middle of the freeway if you thought it wouldn't hurt your chances with the limber, athletic student of Eastern eroticism.

Look, Stan is a CIA agent; is it too much to ask for him to "disappear" the friggin' alien and goldfish? It's the American thing to do. Just ask Jimmy Hoffa.

Oh, and lest I forget…

Last week, kallisious666 posted: "HOORAY FOR ANIMATION DOMINATION!!!
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT SUCKS!!! Arrested is the least funny "comedy" since Sports Night. I'm glad it was finally killed for something that's actually entertaining. Not to mention funny."

Well, first off, the SPORTS NIGHT crack tells me all I need to know about what we shall ironically refer to as your "tastes." Secondly, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT ain't dead yet, it's only mostly dead. If I can find an elderly Yiddish mystic armed with a bellows, it might still have a chance. Thirdly, I'd like to extend my congratulations that you are currently experiencing what must be, for you, a Golden Age of Television. This season has produced an unparalleled bumper crop of forgettable, cramp-inducing sitcoms. So fear not, my friend! Given the I.Q. of your average viewer, ARRESTED will soon be dead, and you'll be able to sit contentedly in your mother's basement, adorned in your footie-pajamas and spill-proof juice cup, reveling in the laugh-a-minute exploits of Pam Anderson's STACKED.

I'm told that Pam Anderson has boobies, and I know how those make you giggle.


So, what brought you the televisual joy this week? Drop me a line at tvwasteland@cinescape.com and let me know. Keep your head and hands inside the television, folks...


MONDAY, MAY 2

24 (8 PM CST, Fox) You folks are on your own. Thanks to a Tivo mishap, I missed last week's episode, so I'm not going anywhere near plot summaries for this week.

LAS VEGAS (8 PM CST, NBC) "Letters, Lawyers, and Loose Women." They go together like a horse and carriage.

MEDIUM (9 PM CST, NBC) "In the Rough." Aside from her standard weekly troubles with the unquiet dead, now Allison has to deal with a visit from her mother-in-law.

CSI: MIAMI (9 PM CST, CBS) "Recoil." A custody battle involving claims of child abuse ends even before it begins when both mother and father are shot to death outside the courthouse.

CLUB DREAD (9 PM CST, Cinemax) Bill Paxton's Coconut "No relation to Jimmy Buffett" Pete is probably the best part of the flick, but this second offering from the Broken Lizard dudes offers a few chuckles.


TUESDAY, MAY 3

GILMORE GIRLS (7 PM CST, WB) "How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?" Sorry, I'm still hung up on BAD SANTA and SIN CITY… Write your own joke.

THE MUMMY RETURNS (7 PM CST, USA) Unfortunately for anyone who suffered through this movie and VAN HELSING, the Mummy will be returning once more with a third Sommers-helmed outing. At least that means it'll be that much longer before he screws up FLASH GORDON.

THE IPCRESS FILE (7 PM CST, TCM) Michael Caine stars as secret agent Harry Palmer (no jokes, you perverts), charged with rescuing a kidnapped British scientist.

HOUSE (8 PM CST, Fox) "Kids." House deals with a meningitis outbreak and offers Cameron her job back, now that the big, mean Vogler's gone bye-bye.

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (8 PM CST, NBC) "Night." Angela Lansbury drops into the franchise in an Emmy-baiting role as the mother of a suspected serial rapist.

VERONICA MARS (8 PM CST, UPN) "A Trip to the Dentist." Veronica finally learns what really happened to her on the night she was raped, which is bad news for whoever turns out to be the rapist.

LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY (9 PM CST, CBS) "Day." The Angela Lansbury plotline begun an hour earlier in SVU concludes here, when the case is solved thanks to the intervention of Jessica Fletcher.

BLIND JUSTICE (9 PM CST, ABC) "In Your Face." Detective Jim Dunbar takes the week off from donning red tights and kicking evil-doers in crotch; spends the evening necking with Karen Page.

THE SHIELD (9 PM CST, FX) "Cut Throat." When an informant is found with his throat slit, Rawling sets up protection for other snitches. Meanwhile, Antwon pressures Shane to snuff Vic.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 4

LOST (7 PM CST, ABC) "The Greater Good." Locke gets to experience Sayid's Republican Guard interrogation training first-hand as the fall-out of Boone's death catches up with him.

SMALLVILLE (7 PM CST, WB) "Ageless." Lana and Clark find a rapidly aging baby in a crater, which sounds like it would make a much better set-up for a sitcom than a drama.

CITIZEN KANE (7 PM CST, TCM) Rosebud's the sled.

REVELATIONS (8 PM CST, NBC) Two words: pregnant nuns.

ALIAS (8 PM CST, ABC) "Mirage." Syd and Sloane have to team-up to find Jack's radiation doc. Screw that noise; let's get Sloane back to beating guys to death over Rambaldi artifacts.

JACK & BOBBY (8 PM CST, WB) "Stand by Me." Last week, Jack's drunken ex-girlfriend aborted her baby and got launched out of the back of a speeding pickup truck. This week, Jack takes the fall for the accident to protect Marcus.

LAW & ORDER (9 PM CST, NBC) "Sports of Kings." The investigation of a dead jockey leads to a cover-up involving a racehorse.

CSI: NY (9 PM CST, CBS) "On the Job." Danny's shooting of an undercover cop brings IA down on him. Which is weird, since I figured New York City was outside Iowa's jurisdiction.

SOMETIMES IN APRIL (9 PM CST, PBS) A thematic companion piece to last year's acclaimed HOTEL RWANDA, this story ventures back to the 1994 Rwandan genocide, focusing on a mixed Hutu-Tutsi couple and an American diplomat attempting to bring about Western intervention in the tragedy.

THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS (9 PM CST, TCM) Orson Welles' follow-up to CITIZEN KANE follows the travails of an aristocratic turn-of-the-century family. Most famous for being taken away from Welles by the studio and recut with a new ending while he was out of the country.


THURSDAY, MAY 5

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (6 PM CST, Sci-Fi) Christopher Reeve and Kirstie Alley face off against creepy Aryan children, all at the behest of John Carpenter.

THE O.C. (7 PM CST, Fox) "The Return of the Nana." This got pre-empted last week by Dubya. See last week's lame banana joke.

THE 'BURBS Still one of my favorite guilty pleasures. Come on, you can't beat Bruce Dern and Corey Feldman in the same flick!

THE O.C. (8 PM CST, Fox) "The Showdown." Showdown? Wait a minute, is this the O.C. vs. BEVERLY HILLS 90210 thing I posited a few weeks ago? Where's my cut, Fox? Where's my cut?!?

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (8 PM CST, CBS) "Weeping Willows." Some dude Catherine picks up in a bar winds up as the prime suspect in the murders of two women last seen at that selfsame bar. And inside, she wonders, "Why wasn't I good enough to murder?"


FRIDAY, MAY 6

STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE (7 PM CST, UPN) "Demons." Ex-Robocop Peter Weller guests as the leader of a xenophobic and isolationist terrorist group intent on riding the Earth of alien influence. Shades of Homeguard, no?

LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY (9 PM CST, NBC) "Boys Will Be Boys." A father and son both claim responsibility for the death of a transvestite.

NUMB3RS (9 PM CST, CBS) "Noisy Edge." Don and Charlie track a UFO over Los Angeles, until math reveals that interstellar travel is virtually impossible, and the UFO vanishes in a puff of logic.

DINNER FOR FIVE (9 PM CST, IFC) Jon Favreau breaks bread with Bill Maher, Alanis Morissette, Rosanna Arquette, and Bob Odenkirk.


SATURDAY, MAY 7

DREAMCATCHER (6:45 PM CST, Cinemax) This ill-conceived Stephen King adaptation is a mess from stem-to-stern, but at least Morgan Freeman has amusing eyebrows.

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS (7 PM CST, ABC) Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

THE CHRONICES OF RIDDICK (7 PM CST, HBO) Plot holes aplenty, and Riddick belongs in the shadows, not in DUNE. Still, it has its moments, especially the teacup scene.

THE BATMAN (7:30 PM CST, Cartoon Network) "The Cat and the Bat." It's got to be better than CATWOMAN.

GHOST WORLD (9 PM CST, IFC) The movie that kick-started my crush on Scarlett Johansson.


SUNDAY, MAY 8

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (6:30 PM CST, Fox) "Buseys Take a Hostage." Dewey's classmates muzzle their teacher, while Malcolm takes advantage of Hal's new position in the neighborhood.

THE SIMPSONS (7 PM CST, Fox) "A Star is Torn." Lisa enters Krusty's singing competition, which unfortunately gives the show an excuse to have an American Idol guest-voice.

ELVIS (7 PM CST, CBS) This two-part mini examines the early years of the King's life, long before he faked his death, got cancer on his crankshaft, and joined forces with J.F.K. to fight a soul-sucking mummy in a rural Texas retirement home.

CHARMED (7 PM CST, WB) "Imaginary Friends." A demon pretends to be Wyatt's imaginary friend in order to lure him astray.

THE SIMPSONS (7:30 PM CST, Fox) "Thank God It's Doomsday." Homer convinces the town that the Rapture's a' comin'.

FAMILY GUY (8 PM CST, Fox) "Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High." Chris has a crush on his English teacher (voiced by Drew Barrymore), and she just might go for it. Expect lots of terribly, terribly wrong humor.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (8 PM CST, ABC) "Sunday in the Park With George." Uh oh, it looks like Bree's crazy pharmacist buddy may be trying to kill her hubby. And with prescription drug prices the way they are, that's probably for the best.

DEADWOOD (8 PM CST, HBO) "Advances, None Miraculous." Al falls through a wormhole into the "Mirror, Mirror" universe, where Deadwood is a peaceful commune run by a cooperative of Americans, British, French, and Indians.

AMERICAN DAD (8:30 PM CST, Fox) "Stan Knows Best." Stan's interference in his daughter's love life drives her to a job at a strip club.


This concludes our broadcast.