When Magical Girls Go Wrong, Part 2

By: His Lordship Chaos
Date: -

Part II: Dressing Up For A Blind Date With Destiny



Greetings!



His lordship Chaos here, just an all-around average teenager living an all-around average life in Tokyo. Not much happens here, save for the weekly megalomaniac trying to dominate the world from within some big mecha...or the demon/alien invasion that is tentatively penned in for sometime next Tuesday around lunch.



But I'm digressing.



My life was ordinary until a few days ago, when a talking gerbil in a tutu attacked me. And so now I'm supposed to be some magical girl fighting evil in the name of love and justice...which of course will be impressive considering that I'M A GUY!!!



Tamagoyaki: [now dressed in a high school boy's uniform] "You needn't get irate about that. Magical Girl Instrumentality chose you as the new heroine to fight evil."



Chaos: [grrrr!] "And just what makes you think I'm going to publicly prance around in a miniskirt, you talking rodent?"



Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "I bought matching pumps for your costume yesterday!"



[Chaos facevaults!]



Tamagoyaki: o.O [looking down at the floor] "Or should I have just gone with the women's boots?"



Chaos: --;; "Look at what life has been reduced to! I'm contemplating skirt and blouse combinations with a gerbil named Omlette!!"




Tamagoyaki: [indignant sniff!] "My mother, Soufflé, gave me that name. And I'll thank you not to mock it."



[Chaos facevaults yet again!]



Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "S-Soufflé?!"



Tamagoyaki: "I'll have you know that I come from a long and proud line of magical girl mascots. We have an integrity to keep here."



Chaos: [hmph!] "Go let a Pokemon choke on you. I'm leaving this place right now."



Tamagoyaki: "But we haven't finished your wardrobe selection yet!"



Chaos: "WE'RE IN THE LADIES SECTION OF A MAGICAL GIRLS STORE!!!"



Yes indeed, this was the season of my humiliation, and the embarrassment was in full bloom. Not long after I had been "convinced" into going along with this Magical Girl Instrumentality Project (that gerbil still has his particle cannon aimed at me. If you're reading this, call the AD Police!), Tamagoyaki had brought me to "Crazy Hino's Miracle House of Hosiery."



You ever wonder what Rei (otherwise known as Sailor Mars) did in her spare time? Well unfortunately for me, I know now. The only reason I had wandered into the store was because a really cute idol girl had gone inside...unfortunately she turned out to be Fancy LaLa, who then reverted from being 17 back into her 10 year-old self.



I was devastated. Not to mention being given really funny looks by everyone else in the store when I started checking out ribbons and flashy accessories. Tamagoyaki helped me drown further into my psychosis by pointing out the various magical girls shopping in the store, and giving me their histories.



By a stroke of luck though, the incessantly yakking gerbil only got halfway through his spiel of telling me how Card Captor Sakura was the only magical girl to have a Gold Express credit card, because she gets a new costume with each transformation. Right then St. Tails' little hedgehog-thingy of a mascot, Ruby-chan, popped up.



Evidently mascots don't always get along; a territorial thing or something I'd have learned about had I actually watched National Geographic last night. Anyways, Tamagoyaki and Ruby-chan started hissing at each other before leaping into a vicious fight.



Tamagoyaki lost when St. Tail showed up and bopped him on the head with her transformation wand. I promised the dejected mascot that we'd shave Ruby-chan bald the first chance we got.



On the downside, the mascot melee had resulted in everyone's unwanted attention being focused on me. Before I knew it, magical girls were swarming all around me. I was flailing in a sickeningly uber-kawaii pile of skirts and ruffles and ribbons and wands...well, I would have had these girls actually been around my age and height. At the very least they were up to my chest.



Pretty Sammy: "Call security! There's a guy in the Magical Girls store!"



Chaos: [protesting] "It's not like I want to be in here, okay?!"



Creamy Mami: [shaking her head] "Well you must have come in here for a reason."



Magical Sally: "He'll discover our secret identities at this rate!"



Chaos: "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT?!"



Angel Daisy: "You're not one of those perverts who likes to collect girls' school uniforms, are you?"



Chaos: [irate demonic head mode!] "NO!!"



Sailor Mercury: "You don't think he's...one of us?"



Magical girls: o.O;;; "......"



Chaos: [smacking his forehead] "Somebody's gonna pay for this, yes they will."



Galaxy Fraulein Yuna: "A male magical girl? But what kind of a heroine for love and justice is that?"



Nurse Angel Ririka: "Maybe we should call an expert. Seiya!"



Sailor Star Fighter: [walking in from the hairstyling department] "What is it?"



Ririka: [pointing to Chaos] "I think you're more qualified to handle this. You're the expert on gender-bending magical girls."



Chaos: --;; "I swear I am going to kill that gerbil when I find out where he's escaped to."



No doubt betting this was retribution for all those "transsexual Senshi wanna-be" jokes I had made about the Starlights, I suffered quietly as Sailor Star Fighter went about getting my costume assembled. There was the obvious question as to my gender after the transformation. To be honest, I had no idea if I'd do a Jusenkyo curse thing and go female...or play up the stereotype that 25% of the male Anime population enjoys cross dressing.



The only one who knew the answer was the gerbil. I glared at Tamagoyaki as he finally decided to show up after abandoning me to the horde of other magical girls. Upon demanding where he had been, the gerbil merely gave an evil grin and produced an electric razor.



St. Tail: [from across the store] "KYAAAAA!!! Okay, who shaved my kawaii Ruby-chan bald?!"



Well, I at least had to give the gerbil credit for that one. In the end we withheld the gender-bending thing; Fighter quietly told us that the never-ending rumors were not worth the fame. So that just left me to become Sailor Dragqueen. I was not impressed, though both Seiya and Tamagoyaki promised to make me look as female as possible after I transformed.



Sailor Star Fighter: "Obviously battle armour, hot pants and bikini tops are out. The hair needs to be longer, though; we might have to go for a wig."



Tamagoyaki: "Let's stick with the usual magical girl leotard. We can just pack his chest with Kleenexes or something."



Chaos: --;; "......"



Sailor Star Fighter: "At least you've got nice, supple legs."



Chaos: "Hey, watch where your hands are, buddy!"



Tamagoyaki: "No short skirts. The closer it goes to his knees the better. We'll keep the outfit sleeveless--but you're going to have to shave your armpits every night."



Chaos: o.O "WHAT?!"



Sailor Star Fighter: "Quit squirming. Another few bowties and we should be done the basic design. After that you'll have to visit Card Captor Sakura for extra accessories."



It took another five hours for everything to get finalized. Surprisingly enough there's a lot of "should you get killed we're not responsible for resurrecting you" forms to sign. And then there was make-up and hair styling. And then I had to choose my preference of transformation wand.



I wanted to hit the Weaponry department, but Tamagoyaki said I needed to practice transforming at home first. Like piano lessons from hell. Besides, Sailor Uranus told us there was a 7-day waiting period for any magical weapon.



And so that was how I spent my day: humiliating myself. I wasn't exactly thrilled in walking home with an obvious magical girls clothing store bag in my hands. I was even less thrilled in having to wear my wig. So much for showing off my luxurious and silky smooth, turquoise-blue hair.



Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Now that we have your costume tailored, all that we need to do is introduce you to your nemesis. Every magical girl has one."



Chaos: "So who gets to be mine?"



Tamagoyaki: [consulting a reference guide] "Um...according to this, Tokyo is currently being threatened by an evil overlord named Dark Schnitzel."



Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "What is with everyone in this rant being named after food? If he's got two villainess accomplices named Peanut Butter and Jelly, I'm going to very upset."



Tamagoyaki: [???] "How'd you know their names?"



Chaos: [NASTY eyebrow twitch!] "Gyaaaa!!!"



Tamagoyaki: "Calm down. You should only panic when Dark Schnitzel arrives here in Tokyo. When that happens, no one will be safe."



Chaos: "You know, I've been stuck as a magical girl for a while so I think it's safe for me to ask this: just why are all the villains inexplicably drawn to attack Tokyo? Why not conquer someplace like Australia first?"



Tamagoyaki: [shrug!] "It's the whole Tokyo Tower thing. When the first magical girl was created, they built the tower to act as a lightening rod. Villains are drawn to it, and the city, like a moth to a light bulb."



Chaos: [sigh!] "Makes sense."



My next question was how long I had to wait until I'd be forced to dress up in the outfit, and parade around masquerading as a girl. The gerbil told me that it depended on Dark Schnitzel striking first. Turns out this evil overlord was searching for the hearts of innocent people, and then transformed their lunches into strange creatures who would extract said innocent hearts.



I didn't press the matter.



So as it turned out, I wouldn't have to go on a crusade to find some hapless idiot with a pure heart/happy dream/lovely face/whatever. These kinds of people automatically seek out magical girls; it's like having a literal magnetic personality.



Magical girls are lazy this way.



[Cue the eyecatch!]



Next time on When Magical Girls Go Wrong: how to be the master of your transformation sequence...and not get caught up in all those sparkly ribbons that fly around your body.