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When Magical Girls Go Wrong, Part 3
By His Lordship Chaos
Part III: Real Men Don't Wear Leotards
His lordship Chaos here once more. If you've been keeping up with this whole 'When Magical Girls Go Wrong' series so far...why do you have to keep encouraging the ranter to humiliate me like this?! Are you Otaku all sadists or something?! Does the thought of some hapless guy being forced to cross-dress by a psychotic gerbil named after a breakfast meal make you snicker?!
Tamagoyaki: ^^ "Actually, you have to admit it is rather funny when you think about it."
Chaos: "Shaddup! You're not the one with the lipstick on here, buddy!"
Sailor Star Fighter: "Hmmm...I think we should go with the cherry ochre instead of the violet plum. Now then, pucker your lips so I can apply it properly."
Chaos: --;; "......"
An entire week had passed since the fiasco in Crazy Hino's House of Hosiery. Apparently Tamagoyaki had been banned from the store after that "shaving Ruby-chan bald" incident; after much prodding, I finally managed to get the gerbil to send St. Tail a letter of apology. We also included the collection of photos Tamagoyaki had taken showing the various stages of him cheerfully shaving Ruby-chan.
St. Tail sent us an irate reply about how this crime was unforgivable and in the name of something or other, she would punish us. In all honesty, the only punishment from her I would fear would be another season of Mysterious Thief St. Tail.
But I digress!
So after a week of learning how to parade around like a woman in my magical girl outfit, I was ready to vent my frustrations on a stupid- looking youma in a most cheerfully vicious manner. However, the gerbil insisted we wait until someone with a pure heart ran into us. I decided to take matters into my own hands and marched out to the local park--whereupon I started hauling people up by their shirt collars and demanded to know whether or not they had a pure heart.
Tamagoyaki, dressed today in an EVA plugsuit, shook his head as he looked down at my twitching remains on the grass. I really should have remembered that in Anime, at least half the female population are tomboys who can viciously kick my butt on a whim. I never even got a chance for any fanservice before I was pummeled...twice.
Tamagoyaki: "Well, you asked for it."
Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "Hush, gerbil-thingy! Just call me an ambulance."
So it appeared that we were at a loss for a victim--I mean, a new person to befriend. I grumbled about how I was having to learn to wear pantyhose for nothing, and Tamagoyaki went off to fight with the local squirrels. Just then I happened to notice someone standing beside me.
She was cute. She was my age. She...had a twin! Suddenly my day among other things was looking up. I was entranced by this lovely pair of young ladies, who smiled at me from behind their sunglasses. Though I can't remember whether or not I was drooling onto my shirt as I stared with enormous Bambi-eyes at them.
Kawaii Young Lady #1: "Excuse me for asking--"
Kawaii Young Lady #2: "But are you by any chance--"
Both: [kawaii!! ^^] "Chaos?"
Needless to say, I was more than happy to agree with them. Come to think of it, I would have been more than happy to agree with anything they said. Come to think further of it, I did. Right up until they asked if they could rip out my pure heart, that is.
Something didn't seem right about this. Not that I was really complaining when they grabbed the ends of their suave business suits and ripped them off--revealing two bikini-clad goddesses of evil before me!
Kawaii Bikini-clad Young Lady #1: "I'm Peanut Butter!"
Kawaii Bikini-clad Young Lady #2: "I'm Jelly!"
Both: [pointing at Chaos] "And we're here for your pure heart!"
Chaos: [dazed but contended smile] "Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, I had kind of tuned out after seeing your bosoms. Were you saying something?"
[Peanut Butter & Jelly facevault!]
Now that was something of a strange if not predictable wrinkle in the plot that should have been steampressed a long time ago. I had the fortune of becoming this lovely pair's first victim. Not that I was objecting too much. They were pretty. They were evil. And at the risk of making a bad pun, they were pretty evil.
Suddenly the idea of them grabbing my chest and savagely ripping out my pure heart didn't seem like that bad of an idea. Just then my talking rodent of a mascot decided to actually do something half- useful, and appeared on the scene.
Tamagoyaki: o.O [dressed in a suit of armour] "Peanut Butter? Jelly?! They must have found their first pure heart! Quick, Chaos, who is it?"
Chaos: "Take a wild guess."
Tamagoyaki: [stunned] "*YOU* have a pure heart?"
Chaos: [shrug!] "Apparently so."
Peanut Butter: "Resistance is useless, Chaos! Your pure heart belongs to us now!"
Jelly: "For the glory of Dark Schnitzel, we shall conquer Tokyo-- starting with you!"
[Peanut Butter & Jelly launch into their evil laughter bit.]
Chaos: [aside to Tamagoyaki] "So are they supposed to be wearing that little clothing?"
Tamagoyaki: [shrug!] "Contractual obligations. All female villains are supposed to be scantily-clad. The Gainax bounce gets the male population into watching the show."
Chaos: ^-^ "Hotcha!"
Tamagoyaki: "Now then, we have to stay focused. These are cunning opponents who outnumber you two-to-one. Above all, we cannot be distracted from our mission to protect your pure--"
[Cue Chaos chasing after Peanut Butter & Jelly!]
Chaos: ^-^ [boing boing boing!] "I love you! I need you! Let me date you!"
Peanut Butter: [Run away! Run away!] "Get away from me, you pervert!"
Jelly: "I never thought they'd have someone like *this* defending the Earth!"
Chaos: ^-^ "I could get to like this Magical Girl thing."
Tamagoyaki: [eyebrow twitch!] "Hey! The Magical Girl Instrumentality Handbook says nothing about chasing your enemies around for dates!"
Chaos: "Don't worry! They'll think it's just Rule three!"
Tamagoyaki: [grrr!] "Magical girls are not supposed to flirt with evil--no matter how attractive it might be. For violating the sacred code, I shall punish you!"
[Cue Tamagoyaki pulling out an enormous 1000t mallet!]
Well, at the very least my flirting was good while it lasted. However being crushed by an oversized pan-dimensional mallet o' doom is not exactly the way I enjoy spending my afternoons. After Tamagoyaki reinflated me, it appeared I was now faced with no other option but...to cross-dress!
Depressing, I know, but unfortunately the contractual obligations get you like this every time. And so without further ado (but plenty of adon'ts) I pulled out my henshin and held it high in the air. And as luck would have it, I realized I had no idea what I was supposed to call myself.
Sailor Dragqueen was out of the question.
Tamagoyaki: "Who cares what we should call you?! Just transform, you idiot! I'll make up something later."
Chaos: [grrr!!] "Forget about Dark Schnitzel. Once I get into my skirt, I am going to kill you, you talking rodent."
And so I held my henshin high in the air and shouted something that might have been a string of coherent words. Suddenly I was surrounded by a large flash of light, and I became weightless. For a moment I was overjoyed to think I might have been suddenly abducted by aliens...but it turns out they only seem to capture cute teenage girls in Anime.
[Cue the swarm of colourful glittering ribbons!]
Chaos: "Yeow! What the--?! That tickles!"
Tamagoyaki: "Yes! YES!! We have our first new magical girl!"
Chaos: [flailing around] "A little help here! I've got my magical ribbons stuck in a knot!"
Tamagoyaki: "Ha! I'd liked to see Dark Schnitzel try and take over the--(o.O) Woah! Oh, now that was a nekkid transformation flash I could have done without seeing!"
Chaos: [irate li'l fanboy] "SHADDUP!!!"
And so in big 2 minute-long segment, I transformed from an average guy into a cross-dressing magical girl complete with make-up and accessories. I wasn't too impressed; the earrings didn't match with my pumps.
Now some of you might be asking around now, "Just why didn't Peanut Butter and Jelly attack him during this two minute sequence?" Well I had wondered about that too. The gerbil said it had something to do with villain contractual obligations; a restraining order is in effect whenever a magical girl transforms. Union rules, or something like that. Apparently while I'm transforming, the evil-doers just take five and have a coffee break.
Regardless though, I still had to fight them now. Then again....
Peanut Butter: o.O;; "A magical girl?!"
Jelly: o.O "But he was...and now she's...what the hey?"
Chaos: --;; "So much for dating prospects with those two."
Tamagoyaki: "It would have never worked out anyways. They're trying to date some 'Bagel' guy."
Peanut Butter dramatically pointed at me and stated that now they would turn my lunch into a youma designed to extract my pure heart. I in turn scratched my head and asked them how they would accomplish this, since I hadn't brought my meal with me. But lucky me, Jelly had an extra boxed lunch handy just in case of emergencies like this!
And who says villains are always unprepared?
So now it was time to do the contractual obligatory Magical Girl spiel about how stealing someone's lunch and turning it into a demon-thingy was a naughty naughty thing to do, and how I would give them a severe finger-wagging in the name of love and justice.
That bit of sarcasm earned me another smiting courtesy of Tamagoyaki's 1000t magical mallet of happiness. Suddenly it occurred to the talking gerbil that his trusted magical girl...guy... whatever had just been rendered two-dimensional.
Chaos: @.@ "Owwwww...."
Tamagoyaki: [sigh!] "We lose more magical girls this way."
Peanut Butter: "Prepare to meet our deadly youma, Sailor Dragqueen!"
Chaos: [grrrrr!] "I am not a dragqueen!"
Jelly: "Presenting our pure heart-extractor o' the day: Sandoitchi- chan!"
Tamagoyaki: [consulting a dictionary] "'Little Sandwich'? I thought their youmas would have more original names than this."
[Cue the enormous demonic Clubhouse sandwich youma!]
Sandoitchi-chan: [striking a pose!] "Whole wheat!"
Tamagoyaki & Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "......"
Jelly: "Sandoitchi-chan, go get this cross-dresser's pure heart!"
Sandoitchi-chan: [chaaaarge!] "Pumpernickel!"
Chaos: [bracing himself--er, herself for a fight] "So what do we do now?"
Tamagoyaki: "The only thing we can do, Chaos. Cue the eyecatch!"
Chaos: [facevaulting!] "WHAT?!"
[Cue the eyecatch!]
Next time on When Magical Girls Go Wrong: the big climactic battle in which you learn just how stupidly-dressed youmas really are.